Do you ever feel trapped? Like your life is passing you by but you’re stuck in a ripple that you try to get out of so you can catch up with it all but the harder you try the more stuck you feel?
We all go through life in our own unique ways. We have our good days, our bad days, the easy days where we are hopeful and the hard days that drain us. No one really gives you a warning about it all and we don’t really talk about our struggles. But here is the truth, just because you may struggle doesn’t mean your weak, or defeated and or there is something wrong with you. We are human and being human means going through a range of thoughts and feelings throughout our lives that may knock us down. Even a single day can be full of ups and downs that contradict everything we think and feel throughout a space of 24 hours. We’re all so focused on finding happiness, success, love, joy and fulfilment that we shut down any other feeling that is too painful or hard to sit with. But the more we ignore our other feelings the longer they will linger deep in our hearts, our minds and our souls.
I feel stuck in my life at the moment and I know logically I have no reason to feel this way because there are so many people in the world going through much harder times with more difficult issues. But the more I deny myself of my feelings and the struggles that I am going through, the longer they haunt me. Everyone has their own set of challenges and problems but we all deserve to have the same level of care and love that another deserves.
I am still learning about being kind to myself, about not feeling guilty about the way I feel. About understanding the source of the pain and the hardships. I feel stuck in a ripple and I know all the ways in which I can get out, but maybe it’s not about getting out. Maybe it’s about not panicking about being stuck or feeling helpless and at times hopeless. Maybe it’s about surrendering to the reality of your humaness and not trying to be something that is so unnatural, I am talking about the urge to be perfectly happy all the time.
I don’t think anyone should ever quit in life and or give up. But I am starting to wonder if we should give ourselves more time and understanding when we feel defeated. To accept the reality of it. To mourn the dreams that haven’t yet come true and may possibly never come true. To realign who we are now with who we thought we should be by now. To forgive ourselves for the mistakes we made, the people we hurt, the pressure we put on ourselves and for the ego which we fight to feed.
Life is so precious, yet everyday we take it for granted because frankly we haven’t been given the tools or the education to sit with the pain and the hurt. Always running away from it to ensure we have a smile on our face and that we don’t make people uncomfortable. But is that real?
I am going through a break up that on the surface I know was needed, that I know the decision was mutual and we had to go our seperate ways at this point in time. But that doesn’t mean that the loss of 5.5 years of emotional investment into the relationship and into the the identity which I formed as a result, doesn’t have an impact on me now. Day to day I feel free from the pressure of forcing something that wasn’t working and enjoy the freedom of focusing on me. But there are moments that I allow the pain to hit me and I have to appreciate that this change is significant. That it’s ok if I feel lost, heartbroken and or plain defeated.
People ask me how I am coping and if I am ok. I don’t know how to answer this, it’s such a complex question! The answer is I am ok and not ok and everything in between. I am wise enough to know that a breakup isn’t the end of the world, but sometimes it feels like it is. I have enough experience to know that I will get through this and things will be ok, but sometimes it’s just too hard to bear. I have enough courage to stay strong and keep going, but sometimes I just feel like giving up and surrendering; waving the white flag and letting life know that I don’t have the energy to bother anymore. I have enough education to know that the emotions I am feeling and the thoughts I am thinking are just my brain and ego, reacting to the situation based on a complex range of nature and nurture experiences I have had as a human; but that doesn’t dismiss the validity in which they have and how real they are to me. I have enough faith to know that destiny has better and bigger things in store for me; but I don’t understand how you can love someone so much and be loved back, yet at the same time end up on separate paths. I also appreciate people trying to tell me that everything will be ok and I know they’re right and I know they say this with the best of intentions; but right now things aren’t ok, I don’t need hope I need acceptance that it’s ok that things are not ok right now and it’s ok to feel how I feel.
Life is ironic and strange. Full of surprises and lessons. Is there a manual somewhere? Or a pause button? As tempting as a rewind button would be, I don’t want to undo the significant learnings I have had as a result of all the challenges I went through. Sure they suck, but in hindsight they’re neccessary. It doesn’t always feel that way I know, but don’t give up on yourself and the person you will become as a result of all the resilience you have been buckling up under your belt.
Bottom line is, it’s tough and depending on our individual journies it may just keep getting tougher. But ultimately we have a choice around how we decide to go about dealing with it. We can choose the can do attitude, the ‘hit me with all you got life, I will keep standing up’ mentality, the approach of love and kindness towards ourselves. The acceptance of defeat but knowing it doesn’t equate to loss. The understanding that you can’t always be strong and happy; but you can decide to rest and and regain your energy. Better these than, the ‘why bother, I give up, things suck, I have no influence, choice or impact on my life’ mentality.
Cry if you need to, ask for help where you get stuck, feel the pain, feel lost, do what you need to do to get rid of the energy that makes you fall. But then, lift your spirit up and keep going, it’s hard but you’re capable of it. Your future self will thank you for it. Eventually you will understand all of it and gain the hindsight that is neccessary.
Love yourself.
Love Always,
Miss Dreamer
Souloom™ 