Have you ever noticed the number of stories and narratives you tell yourself throughout the day? Stories about people, work, family, world events, stories about yourself and how you show up in the world? We go through each day making judgements about everything around us and sometimes these judgements have long lasting impacts on our mood, behaviours, relationships and quality of life. I don’t like using the word judgement because it has a negative connotation attached to it. But judgement is really part of being human, it is your brain taking shortcuts in processing millions of stimuli around you to make life easier for you. Despite this simple and practical use, we’re socially taught not to be judgemental and so when we find ourselves judging we can feel somewhat guilty. Maybe the aim should be focused on what we do with our judgements and not the act of judging itself.
To get around this negative connotation I like to replace the words judge and judgemental with story and storyteller instead. I mean it all boils down to that, we go through the world in our own subjective ways and we narrate and create stories about ourselves and those around us and anytime we share those stories through behaviour, conversation, social media posts etc. we are taking the role of a storyteller. Not realising that as the storyteller we have so much creativity at our disaposal. Yet the only colour palletes we have seen around us are of black, gray and white. It’s time we start telling stories that make us happy, stories that make us grow and thrive, stories that resonate with love and kindness. Of course this is easier said than done, like many other realisations through life; but it’s not impossible to do. This quote summarises it rather well:
It’s like everyone tells a story about themselves inside their own head. Always. All the time. That story makes you what you are. We build on ourselves out of that story. – Patrick Rothfuss
Recently I have been reflecting on the narratives I have been telling myself, the stories about myself that I have come to believe because the storytellers around me have been convincing in their delivery and had been able to pursuade me to buy into their truth. Once I realised that I could listen to their stories but that I didn’t have to draft my stories based on their version of reality, it was as though I gained more freedom over my life and my choices.
See the thing is we are all constantly judging ourselves and others, but each of us has been programmed to do this in a way that is unique to us. The output of this is that sometimes others may come across as different to us often making us draw conclusions about them through labels we attach them or their behaviours; throwing around labels like stupid, mean, angry, selfish, shy etc. But all these judgements are stories we tell ourselves to seek comfort in what best feeds our ego.
Picture the following various scenarios: if a colleague at work criticises you for the way you do your job, if a friend becomes too busy to reach out, if a partner is consumed by stress and you are at the recieving end of interactions with these individuals, what is your reaction to their behaviours? Most often the stories we tell ourselves about scenarios like these tends to be of diservice to ourselves and you may be surprised to find out that more often than not the conclusion drawn from such scenarios is that we don’t qualify or that we are not enough. What we don’t realise is that there is no such thing as good enough or not good enough, there are only narratives and stories we tell ourselves, flavouring it one way or another.
Remember how as children when we read stories our imaginations went wild and we almost always looked for ways that we can make the story better? Well, we need to do more of that as adults. When we find ourselves narrating stories about our lives and the characters in it, lets pay attention to whether or not that story is kind, compassionate, understanding, calm, fair, supportive, joyfuly and grateful. We owe this much to ourselves and to those around us.
Next time your boss is rude and condesending pause before you label them with nasty labels and change the narrative to come from a place of compassion towards them, that way you won’t get resentful. When your friends disappoint you, don’t rush to dismissing relationships because your convinced they’re not good friends, change your narrative to a place of understanding and unconditional love. When you do poorly in an exam, at work or in sports, don’t quit and judge yourself as incapable or not good enough. When you see people who dress differently, look differently, act differently, love differently and or believe differently don’t make your stories bitter and hateful just because you are not familiar with their stories, instead remember that we’re all storytellers and we all have the need to make our stories heard and valued by others. When the media is telling you that you need to look a certain way, be a certain way and or have certain things, don’t buy into their stories that have no heart and soul and are created to drown out your voice, look for ways to make your story more beautiful, more authentic, more unique and more powerful.
Next time you find yourself reflecting on your day or catch yourself in middle of a thought, pay attention to what you are making yourself believe; to what conclusions you are drawing and what judgements you have placed. Our lives represent our stories and are made up of each and every precious moment that we use to write the narrative of our chapters and of our journey.
The beauty of it all is that each day, you can work on your draft and refine it to the place which is worthy of your experience. It’s not about having perfect stories, it’s about having joyful and kind stories. Like Ben Okri said:
The fact of storytelling hints at a fundamental human unease, hints at human imperfection, where there is perfection, there is no story to tell.
Love Always,
Miss Dreamer
Souloom™ 