Self-trust: the trust one would place in themselves, their capabilities, their decisions and their judgement.
We often talk about self-esteem and have a good gauge on our own self-esteem levels, but self-trust is an unfamiliar concept. There are different ways of defining self-trust and some would equate it to self-confidence, but to me the definition of self-trust that most resonates is the ability to trust in yourself and to know that you will survive any situation through practicing kindness instead of perfection.
Based on this definition I would say that I don’t have a great deal of self-trust because I am a recovering perfectionist; I say recovering because I am always trying to reduce my perfectionistic tendencies (even this statement is tainted by perfectionism)!
It’s interesting how on the surface we can hold certain beliefs about ourselves and yet when we spend some time reflecting on our behaviours, thoughts and feelings we realise that sometimes we tell ourselves stories to help feed the need of the ego within; but these stories aren’t always the full truth. If I were to be asked outright if I have self-trust I would say yes without hesitating. But during a recent meditation practice I had to pause and sit with myself in stillness and observe my inner thoughts and by doing so I realised that despite the superficial belief that I have full trust in myself, I often don’t behave in ways which would support this belief.
Reflecting on work in particular, I don’t seem to trust myself when making decisions. I don’t know why doubt creeps in, I’ve got no reason to doubt myself and yet there are times where I don’t trust my own judgement. It’s all subconscious as well, so I don’t realise that I am behaving like this unless I deliberately decide to be aware of my behaviours and thoughts throughout the day. I’ve had many people tell me that I need to back myself and trust my own decisions because I make sound and logical ones, but how can I back myself if I don’t realise that I am not backing myself? This needed some dedicated reflection and pondering!
The more I reflect on my self-trust issue the more I come to realise that it has been influenced by the many social messages that implicitly or explicitly encourage self-doubt. You see, I have come to learn that when you are inexperienced then that defines you, when you are young then your elders know better, when you don’t have a degree in a field then you’re no expert, that logic matters more than your feelings and that failure or pain are circumstance which you have to avoid at all cost. These lessons may differ from person to person and culture to culture; but there are always self-destructive messages that we are exposed to which can negatively impact our perceptions of ourselves and ultimately our self-trust. I guess it doesn’t matter where the source is from, what matters is the impact it is having on you now as an adult.
For me I’ve observed that my self-trust is weak because my intuition is often not the loudest decision maker. It has mostly been logic and reason which has dictated my path. This year when I got stuck at a crossroad with the decisions I needed to make I found it incredibly hard to reach a decision because logic and reason weren’t going to work. I mean, how can they when there is no right or wrong decision to make? I found that the only way I could navigate through these decisions was if I placed some trust in myself and my inner judgement of what I need instead of what is the best decision to make and you know what, in hindsight it turned out to be the best decision anyway!
Despite this experience, my default approach to decision making is still logic and reason. Don’t get me wrong, logic and reason are neccessary, but they’re not the only tool available to us for building our paths and paving our ways. Our intiution, our self-trust also deserves a seat at the table, it deserves to be heard and valued. Some do a really good job with this, others like myself, tend to dismiss self-trust subconsciously and unintentionally. Again going back to perfectionism, it’s hard to have full trust in yourself if you know that you’re not perfect and yet subconcsiously you strive for it in everything that you do!
Self-trust knows that we are guided to make the right decision as long as we live our heart’s truth, purely and without agenda. We then know there are really no failures, only growth. – Almine
Self-trust impacts everything about us and our lives, not just the decisions that we make. It can impact the narratives we tell ourselves when things don’t go our way. Like when we don’t get the job we are qualified for, when relationships don’t last, when we get cheated on, when people don’t treat us well etc. in all these circumstance we have two options, the first being to continue to trust our own worth, value and capabilities despite the external circumstance and the other is to allow another person(s) view of us define our abilities for us. The latter can be dangerous because it can lead to lack of self-esteem, lack of self self-love and narratives that bring us down and limit us. On the other hand the former gives us a sense of freedom which allows us to appreciate that circumstance and outcomes don’t define us, that the only key position we should hold is self-trust, that despite rejection, pain or lack of recognition we are still valuable, we have positive things to contribute and that nothing external to us can define us.
Can you imagine the sense of freedom, relief and love we would feel towards ourselves if we had full trust in ourselves? No more questioning if a question we have is too dumb to ask, if what we said made us look stupid, if how we behaved was inappropriate, if the decisions we made were right or wrong and most importantly if we are good enough for an opportunity, a partner or a dream.
It’s not who you are that holds you back, it’s who you think you’re not. – Unknown
Self-trust can’t co-exist with self-doubt or perfectionism. Here is the thing, like many people I subconsciously self sabatoge myself everytime I question my own capabilities and or skills because I tend to rely heavily on external validation from others in order to build trust in myself. I realise that I fall into this thought pattern at work where I sometimes lack the self-trust to back myself and instead rely on others perception to validate my performance for me. This is incredibly dangerous and for a while it had put me in a victimised mentality where I felt helpless and where I had built self-views based on the toxic, misguided and subjective views of a few insecure people around me. But now I’m working on building a kinder and loving attitude towards myself. This won’t be achieved overnight and will require years of unlearning and re-learning; but I have faith that eventually I will get there. On this soul journey I need to learn how to let go of utilising other people’s perceptions and beliefs as a measure for my own self-worth and self-trust. I need to continuously and kindly remind myself that I’ve got this and that I will find my way around the situations I am faced with and that no matter what the outcome is, my self-worth and value isn’t determined by it.
My lack of self-trust impacts areas outside of work too, recently I’ve observed how it manifests itself in how I perceive my value as friend. I find myself thinking that I am just another person in peoples’ lives and dismiss the value I bring to the table as a friend and as a person. I don’t trust that I will be missed, remembered or needed. This has nothing to do with how others feel about me, but about how I dismiss myself and my value add. I lack the self-trust in the truth that I am a giving, loving and reliable friend, which has had an impact on the lives of those around me. I often thought that these thoughts and feelings were a result of the lack of trust I had in others; but upon digging deep I’ve realised that the trust in others isn’t what makes me question myself rather it is the lack of self-trust that welcomes the doubt. For me these particular beliefs around friendship have been influenced by the many separations I have had to experience due to moving back and forth in between countries my whole life. With every move I have found myself saying goodbye to some friendships that I never dreamed living without; not because of a lack of effort, but because with time people change and friendships dissolve. But I’ve confused the external circumstance of my life with the internal value that I bring into the friendships. I’ve associated these losses and or seperations to my value instead of circumstance. Yet another perfectionistic tendency, when things go wrong you internalise it as though it’s somehow something you’ve done or lack; but really there is a range of events, circumstance and inputs that play a role in determining an outcome.
My relationships have also been influenced by the lack of self-trust I have displayed in trusting my intuition and my own needs. It’s hard with relationships because I’ve always felt torn, I thought I was letting my emotions guide me so I felt like I was trusting my gut feel, but in reality my emotions were clouding my thoughts and my thoughts were dismissing the stillness in me that was quietly and patiently guiding me towards the path that was right for me. Any glimpse I got into this I would dismiss because I would doubt it’s validity and or truth; I would doubt me. My self-trust kicks in far too late in the process and only after some damage is done to my soul and some serious work is required to manage the impact. It’s as though it is only ignited to help me survive but not to help me thrive and there is a big difference between the two!
Having self-trust is vital to living out your dreams, being at peace with yourself and finding joy in your life. Having self-trust is the best gift you can give to yorself so that you can be kind towards your soul, to your being. Like all things, building self-trust needs love and kindness, it’s very foundation is built on these. But it also takes time, patience and effort to build and practice. This doesn’t mean that it has to be a difficult journey, you can start off small and work your way through building the self-trust you need and deserve. Start by being aware of it, observe yourself and reflect on how you have navigated through your day, how you feel about the key people in your life, key decisions you need to make and how you feel about yourself. Write it down, walk it out or dance it off, do whatever you need to do so that you can tap into your inner source of love and find the strength to build the self-trust you need.
Next time self-doubt creeps in, pause, acknowledge and let it go. Don’t spend time dwelling on it, thinking about it or obsessing over it, in fact don’t even entertain it, it won’t do you any good.
Remember that you’ve got this, there is no right or wrong, there is just you trusting yourself on your soul journey and finding the courage to be unapologetically kind to yourself.
Love Always
Miss Dreamer
Souloom™ 