Ashamed

When I got up yesterday morning, I checked my phone (a bad habit which I keep promising I will shed) and sadly the first thing that I learned was that Chester Bennington (frontman of my favourite band Linkin Park) had committed suicide at the age of 41. Immediately I found myself back in bed weeping over this tragic news, my heart was broken. The shock had overwhelmed me and left me distraught, how could a person who has been so influential in saving so many lives through his music, talent and gift find himself in a situation where suicide is the only way out? My heart broke into a million pieces, for his pain, for his family, for his band, for his fans and for his loss. I couldn’t stop crying and was left speechless. Now I’ve never reacted to the loss of a stranger like this before, I mean I’ve shed tears when I’ve heard tragic stories of loss but I’ve never found myself struggling to get up and go to work. Despite not wanting to go into work, I knew I had to, it was big day at work and my leader was relying on me. I didn’t want to dismiss my feelings and his loss so I continued to cry discretely on the bus and then locked myself in a meeting room when I got into work.

And I felt so uncomfortable with all of this, with the way that I felt like I had to hide my sadness and sorrow, for the way as though it was something to be ashamed of. But I was worried about what people would think when they found out that I am so heavily impacted by the loss of someone that I don’t even know. See the thing is he meant something to me, their band and their music played such a big role in my life as I was growing up that to me it didn’t feel like the loss of a stranger, it felt like the loss of a friend. Someone who had helped me through so many difficult times throughout my teenage years in particular and to lose him through suicide made me feel so helpless because it just wasn’t good enough that no one could help him.

I continued to hide away from everyone all day because I didn’t think people would understand. I felt like I had to justify myself to those that I did share it with and this whole process made me feel like as though there was something to be ashamed of. But there wasn’t, just because I didn’t know him and or wasn’t related to him doesn’t mean he didn’t matter to me. But this brought about a wider social issue and or stigma. As a society we are so far behind understanding human emotions and feelings; we’re just not taught to deal with pain and or sadness. We’re taught to dismiss them both and or hide them away as though they don’t exist because it makes others around us feel uncomfortable. We have a fear of being judged by others and yet most the time the fear we have isn’t even realistic and others aren’t as harsh as we think they may be.

Yesterday was a tough day, as I continued on with my work I had to dismiss my feelings and push back the tears because I had work that needed my attention. To be honest it wasn’t the work that I cared about, it was being their for my leader through a challenging time. You may notice I call him a leader and not a manager, this is deliberate. I do this because he has showed me the difference between the two, a leader inspires you and makes you feel worthy and valued but a manager is an individual fulfilling a role within a corporation, a manager doesn’t inspire you. I had decided that I need to let him know what I was going through just in case I needed to leave early if it all got too much. When I first told him about what had happened and how I felt so silly that I can’t stop crying he was supportive and said ‘this isn’t silly at all, this person has had an impact on you and that matters’. Later in the day when we were talking again, I thanked him for understanding and he said something to me that has left such a deep impact, he said ‘don’t ever feel like you have to change and or be someone you are not, don’t let the cold people around you tell you that you shouldn’t feel a particular way and or feel things that you feel, just be you and be yourself unapologetically’. This why I call him a leader and not a manager, in that moment and with those words he lifted the shame off of my shoulders.

I realised that I was apologising for being the way that I am and feeling the way that I do, that I was hiding my true self because I was too worried that others would judge me and or not understand me. I’m sure that they will judge and that there will be some who won’t understand, but I realised that it shouldn’t matter; because at the end of the day this is me and my journey and how I am.

We all have moments of shame, we all fear judgement and we all want to be liked and understood. But what we fail to understand is that love is absence in all of these, that if we were kinder to ourselves, if we were unapologetically in love with ourselves and those around us, then shame, fear, judgement and loneliness wouldn’t drive us to hide ourselves away. All these feelings are a reflection of our own narratives and the way we view the world, they’re not a reflection of how others are and or will behave. Once I was able to snap out of the shameful narrative that I had on replay, I realised that had I shared my feelings with those around me they would have been more understanding and compassionate than I gave them credit for. That those who know me would have been there for me to help me and those who didn’t know me, well their thoughts shouldn’t matter anyway.

All of this, was a brief and small window into what many people with mental illness feel everyday as they go through some really tough days. I am lucky in that I know my experience was temporary. But so many of our colleagues, friends, family members and or strangers around us are carrying shame, pain, fear, anxiety and or depression with them everywhere that they go. They shouldn’t have to go through it alone and they shouldn’t have to feel ashamed of their soul journey and experiences. We all deserve compassion, love and kindness and we all need to be conscious about how often we give this to ourselves and to others and do so unconditionally!

If you are going through tough times, know that you’re not alone. If you are carrying shame, know that you don’t have to and that you can free yourself from it. If you have pain and fear within you, know that you have courage to face them both and come through stronger. And if you are tired of going through all these experiences alone, then make sure you lean on someone for help; because you deserve it, because you are made of love, you will be loved and you will find love.

No one should apologise for how they feel, who they are and what they’re going through.

I want to finish this post up with a poem dedicated to Chester Bennington, a soul that has touched so many lives and a soul I hope will rest in peace.

I’ve had hard times,

I’ve been through pain,

I’ve seen the sun, but these days there is only rain,

I wish I knew how to stop feeling this way,

I wish I didn’t have to run away,

I’ve had blessings and I’ve had joy,

But I can’t make them last when the pain just grows,

When you remember me, think of what I’ve done,

Think of who I’ve helped and all the songs I’ve sung,

Think of me when I was on stage in front of a crowd,

Screaming out the pain, ever so loud,

We all have a journey, we all have a cause,

I lived mine out, but I couldn’t go on,

And as I move on into the light,

Know that love will forever unite,

My time has come, I’m sorry I had to leave,

But I am always with you, in your memories.

 

Love Always

Miss Dreamer