I haven’t written in a while, to be honest there has been too much going on in my head recently that I’ve been trying to make sense of everything myself. But today I’ve come to the realisation that clarity isn’t a permanent state. We will go through our lives with more uncertainty than we will with clarity and that has to be ok, because otherwise we will miss the fleeting opportunities in our daily lives to be present and to enjoy what we have. A while ago I messaged one of my close friends unveiling the vulnerability that I am feeling from not knowing who I am, what I want and where I want to go; as though who I am can be defined and set into stone, what a naive concept. Like everyone else, I too have moments that all my learnings and understanding can’t keep me strong and or resilient in the face of life’s fluctuations. We feel like we need to have stability, strength and resilience in the face of everything that life throws at us. But the truth is that we don’t have to be anything other than who we are at any point in time; whether it be vulnerable, lost, lonely, happy, strong, weak, patient, understanding, angry, frustrated etc. whatever it is that we are feeling and whoever we are, it’s valid and it’s ok.
Life isn’t about being happy cheery all the time, or having it together all the time. We go through this journey with so many more questions than we do answers, but from the outside looking in, somehow others seem to have it more together than we do. Or at least that’s what we think, which doesn’t serve us well because we only put further pressure on ourselves to be something or someone other than who we are at any given time.
Human beings are complex, you can be fucked up (pardon my French) and all good at the same time. You can be happy and sad, weak or strong, successful and unfulfilled all at once. We’re not black and white, we’re not meant to be one thing and not another – I mean can you imagine how boring people and life would be if we were only one dimensional or even bi-dimensional?
As we grow older we unveil more and more about who we are and what we want out of life. Depending on our circumstances, some of us will go through this journey faster than others – but we are all on the same journey of self-discovery and reaching the optimum point of joy and bliss in the way that it is defined for us. There is no common dream, no one feeling, no ‘finish line’ – there is only subjective experiences, desires, wants and hopes; all of which are packaged by society to appear the same as each other. How we define happiness or success will differ from each other, how we define any concept will differ from each other – because no two of us are the same. When we connect with like minded people and or find a group of people who we resonate with, it’s not because our views and or experiences are identical, it’s because there is enough similarity between us that we gain a sense of familiarity and thus feel more connected.
There is one common ground amongst us though and that is our vulnerability. We are all vulnerable, some of us just talk about it openly and some of us hide it out of fear that we won’t be understood and or we will be alone in that vulnerability. But the more you talk about it to others the more you realise that no one has it together, everyone has insecurities, everyone has dreams they aspire to but which they feel they can never obtain. We all have a fear of failing, being alone, being unloved and being judged, we all feel pain when we lose someone we love, whether it be through death or separation, we all feel hurt when we disappoint ourselves and our loved ones, we all go through various emotions throughout our days and yet most of us feel so isolated in this journey because we are constantly worried about exposing our truth and our vulnerability to those around us.
Sometimes I wonder what the world would be like if we were all an open book, maybe it would be better or maybe it would be worse, but surely there would be more connection, understanding and empathy? The more we share the more we would see that we are more alike than we are different.
I don’t have the answers to a lot of the questions that have risen in my journey at the moment and the future is a big giant question mark where I can’t even envision what I want it to look like – not because I don’t have hope, but because I am so unclear about what I want it to hold and who I want to be for this next stage of my evolution. This ambiguity has made me realise that I’ve outgrown my current day to day routine and life choices, but at the same time I want to embrace it and enjoy it because it took me years to get to this point which I fought hard for. Where I am today is the result of where I wanted to head towards for the past decade, but who I am today is not who I was ten years ago; so this leaves me with the question of ‘what the hell do I do now’? It’s incredibly fascinating how much inner conflict I have, not just between my heart and my head but between my current self, past self and future aspired self.
Complex. That is what human beings are and trying to simplify ourselves and our thoughts is not an easy task; at least not for all of us.
There is a lesson that life is teaching me and the universe wants me to hear, there always is – I believe this wholeheartedly. But I also know that right now I am not able to receive this lesson fully because I am tired, confused and at times a bit numb to this next stage of my evolution. Partially because I am trying to take in all the change that has happened so far and enjoy the fruits of my hard labour as they say. But it turns out that I don’t have the time to do this because I need to move on from this stage; like everything this too shall pass. That’s the thing, nothing is forever and so whatever we are going through is a particular stage, a chapter that we may or may not be able to re-read. So fully immerse yourself in it and take it in as much as you can, while you can. Or, not. Whatever works for you. Whatever brings you joy and bliss. Just remember that you don’t have to be anything but who you are right now and that in time and in the right place, your next evolution will come to you. Being vulnerable is a part of being human. Don’t fight with yourself, life goes on.
Love Always,
Miss Dreamer
Souloom™ 