Saying no is ok. Disappointing people or not pleasing them all the time is allowed. I often tend to put others before myself, I've learned how to make others feel comfortable and happy regardless of how it makes me feel. But the older I get the more I realise that we are not here to please each other and or sacrifice our own needs, wants and preferences for others.
Don't get me wrong, kindness and generosity are important attributes to have; but like everything else they need to be balanced. Otherwise, we can continuously put ourselves last on the priority list. I often tend to care for the comfort and feelings of complete strangers, not only because I want to be a kind and helpful person, but also because I feel guilty and selfish when I am not putting the needs of others first. Recently on my commute to work I was faced with a scenario which tested me on this very topic.
On my commute to work I tend to give up my seat for elderly and or pregnant women, without question, no matter how I am feeling or how desperate I am for a seat for the hour long bus ride. Sometimes people ask if they can squeeze next to me on a one seater seat and I always make myself uncomfortable and or give up my seat for them so that they are comfortable and get what they asked for; despite putting myself in an uncomfortable position for the remainder of the trip and being squashed into the corner by a stranger that is far closer to me than I would like. But yesterday I had a man tell me (not ask me), to move my bag so that he could squeeze in on the one seater which I was occupying. Now this is a relatively young person who appeared healthy and didn't appear to need a seat, rather he just wanted one; one that wasn't available. In that situation I did something I've never done and I politely informed him that I can't move into the seat anymore. To be clear this seat is only a one seater, but because I am of small build people think that my personal space is somehow as small as my frame; well it's not. I, like most people, don't like complete strangers (let alone big men) breathing in my face and or touching my body, even if it is circumstantial.
After saying no to him, I observed my inner emotions and judgements which were characterised by guilt and shame; like saying no to someones request and putting my needs first was somehow the worst thing I could possibly do. I also felt as though the whole bus was judging me (even-though no body noticed) and that somehow I was a horrible person for maintaining a boundary for myself and my needs.
This experience made me realise how uncomfortable I feel in saying no to others and or not giving into peoples needs before my own. This is of course never a good sign, because it just shows how I disregard my own needs. To be fair, if the situation was reversed I would never ask the same thing, I've been in situations where I could squeeze next to someone on the one seater and I have never taken advantage of it. Because I recognise that discomfort that can go with it. This constant care for others feelings and being mindful of them is what makes me a caring person; but at the same time makes me care more about others than I do about myself.
Whether it be at work, or other environments, more often than not I don't express my wants and think that I am being a good team player and or person by dismissing my preferences for that of others. Again, to a degree all this is fine and we should all be mindful of each others needs and wants. But not everyone reciprocates the thoughtfulness and in those situations one needs to feel comfortable enough to maintain their own boundaries; even if it means experiencing some cognitive dissonance and feeling uncomfortable for saying no.
That whole bus ride I felt guilty for putting myself first and I am sure I am not alone in sharing these feelings as a result of saying no to people. We have socially been conditioned to put the needs of others before our own and encouraged to be selfless. But being selfless shouldn't mean being self "less" and disregarding yourself. Sometimes we need to say no and feel comfortable about the judgements that people make and the discomfort we feel inside for not putting ourselves last.
Sometimes we need to ask ourselves am I doing this because I want to and or because it is the right thing to do or am I doing this because I've been told to do so and or because I don't know how to respect my own needs more than others? If the answer to these questions results in self disregard, then use that opportunity to make yourself uncomfortable and respect that you have needs that are equally important and that you need to protect.
Every so often we need to recognise that even our good traits can be of disservice to us and that the attributes which we socially look down upon can become helpful life tools for maintaining what is important to us.
Always be kind, be respectful of others, be generous and be helpful; but don't forget to extend these same attributes towards yourself.
Love Always,
Miss Dreamer
Souloom™ 