Sometimes in life we have to accept truths that are hard and or even heartbreaking. But it's so important to accept these truths so that we can set ourselves free from expectations that will never be met, judgements that don't serve us well and resentment that we build up because our needs aren't addressed.
Today I had to face a truth that I've been faced with for the past few months and kept avoiding. If I can gain the courage to face and accept this truth, it will eventually set me free. That truth is the expectations I have of my loved ones and in particular my family. I love my parents and my sister with all my being, but the older I get and the more I learn about who I am, who I want to be and shape myself as an individual the more I realise there are going to be many occasions where my nearest and dearest people may not understand me, be able to provide me with the support I need and or handle situations in a way that my soul craves them to. I have to accept that there are parts of me that doesn't resonate with them and parts of them that doesn't resonate with me; and this is ok.
One simple example of this is that very rarely can I talk to my parents without them sharing their words of wisdom, guiding me, problem solving for me and or trying to give me some form of insight about life. Whilst I appreciate what they have to say, more often than not I am not seeking words of wisdom or advice from them, I am seeking an ear to listen, one that will try and understand me by exploring my depths, thoughts and feelings. I expect them to ask me questions and to share their feelings not their thoughts. But the reality is that's just not how they're wired and or what they value.
My sister is also similar; she is my rock, my biggest supporter but she is also my toughest teacher and my most respected role model. The age difference between us probably encourages her to protect me even more. But I crave silliness and comfort with her. I am most critical of myself when I do things that my sister won't agree with and or wouldn't advise. She always encourages me down the planned and logical path and I know almost everything she says is right. But it's not me or the life I want to live at the moment and I wish she would understand that.
To be clear I wouldn't change my family and despite the differences I love them more than anything in the world. But just because they are my family doesn't mean that they can meet all my emotional and psychological needs and it also doesn't mean that they are going to understand me without any effort. All of this needs to be ok, all of this needs to be accepted as the truth that it is, so that my expectations can adjust to become more understanding and accepting of them.
But accepting this truth isn't as easy as it sounds and it will require a grieving process; one that will be painful but which I need to sit through and observe. Through this process I need to be compassionate towards myself and forgiving of not just my family but of myself for feeling guilty about not relying on them for everything.
I somehow feel that readjusting my expectations means that I love, value or respect them any less. But in fact it's the opposite. The moment I accept them and our family dynamic for what it is the more freedom I have to not feel hurt by the needs that they don't even realise they are not meeting.
I also think it is incredibly important for me to state that this is a two way street, like all other relationships. I myself am unable to meet a lot of their needs and expectations, because I can't really relate to them on an emotional level. So I know that I too leave their needs unmet and expectations shattered because without realising it my approach, view and values may not be aligned to theirs.
I need to forgive myself for this as well, because despite wanting to make my family happy I cannot be untrue to myself. I am sure as we all evolve and change as part of our soul journeys, our relationships will also differ. What gives me comfort is knowing that there is no finite conclusion on any relationship, let alone family relationships.
I do hope that through my evolutions I can be more accepting of the truth, more understanding of their needs and more content with appreciating what they can offer instead of what they can't.
It's a process, everything is. This journey has started for me today and I hope I can gain the courage to pull through it with grace and compassion.
I love my family and I think I am starting to see them for the beautiful individuals they are and not the god like, perfected roles that I had put them in my mind as my mother, father and sister. They too are their own people, with their own soul journey, evolution and life learnings.
Once you digest these truths and observe what the pain is telling you, you can let go of expectations and live a more blissful life.
Love Always,
Miss Dreamer
Souloom™ 