Life is but a temporary journey and everything we experience, whether it be positive or otherwise, is also fleeting. But it’s interesting that as humans we tend to appreciate our opportunities, circumstance, challenges and or routine lives the moment that we find out that there is an expiry date for it all. We gain a perspective that we didn’t have before, one that suddenly points out all the things we enjoy and cherish.
Perhaps that’s why when we go through irreversible changes such as our health deteriorating, losing a loved one, having our hearts shattered and or are faced with pain that we wonder about the ‘if only’ feelings of regret. If only I had spent more time with my family, if only I had more fun and didn’t take myself so seriously, if only I pursued my dreams and not my fears, if only I said how I feel, if only I cared more about my partner than about being right, if only…
This if only feeling is a feeling of regret that harbours pain in us and for those of us who have felt it, we know that it is something that is unpleasant and more often than not preventable; should we be more mindful and deliberate about our choices. I live by the philosophy that it’s important to not have regrets and so more often than not I have pursued what I felt was right at the time for me; however, I’ve also had to make decisions that have been influenced by the circumstances of my life and which were out of my control and so I have shown resistance in accepting them for what they have to offer and instead held onto a rigid sense of rebellion that didn’t allow me to enjoy the opportunities present, because I was so scared of letting go of the past and or losing my identity.
So naturally, the “if only” moments started accumulating, but the thing about these moments is that you only gain perspective when the moment is gone, when the present moment has become the past and when you understand the teachings of hindsight. Some of my if only moments include:
- If only I wasn’t afraid of change
- If only I knew my worth
- If only I had clear boundaries and non-negotiable’s in my career, relationships and life choices
- If only I prioritised my family over individuals I considered as friends but who didn’t serve my soul with love
- If only I saw the blessings in my life, present in front of me, instead of clinging onto the blessings that had expired and were long in the past
- If only I didn’t define myself based on others view of me and stood tall and proud of who I am and all the flaws I have
- If only I knew how to listen better, judge less and be more patient
- If only I knew sooner that the narrative of my life is in my control and that victimising myself is my ego feeding itself
- If only I didn’t romanticise over a love that wasn’t meant to be
- If only, if only, if only…
And so the list goes on. I’ve learned that the narrative of my if only thoughts doesn’t necessarily have to be one of regret, pain or sadness. The narrative could be one of learning, compassion, growth, forgiveness and love; and so, it’s up to me to see and value them that way.
This perspective has taken 9 years to develop, this view is only clear to me because there is an expiry date on my current circumstance as I take the leap of faith and jump into the unknown and move away from a place that I resisted to call home for 9 years; but which has blessed me with countless lessons, growth and opportunities that I needed as a part of my evolution.
Suddenly all the flaws fade away, all the resistance is surrendered, all the pain and resentment is forgiven and all the beautiful and cherish-able moments are clear as day.
Suddenly what I resisted all these years is a blessing that I am terrified of losing. The choice is mine, I am walking away from all this so that I can heal other pain, learn more lessons and value the hardships in life just as much as the blessings. I need to practice letting go because god knows how I get so attached to people and circumstance!
It’s amazing how we gain perspective when we know there is an expiry date around the corner. The ones amongst us who can gain this perspective before the opportunity is lost, are the ones who live in bliss. I want to follow that path and I hope that I don’t have to relearn all the lessons of the past so that I can be opened up to knew growth and evolution.
Love deeply, smile constantly, belly laugh for no reason, be grateful for the small moments and reduce your “if only” moments by being honest with yourself about what makes you happy.
Love Always,
Miss Dreamer
Souloom™ 