Fear of the unknown, good or bad, who knows. Life altering decisions can cripple you before they set you free; in particular if you aren’t friends with risk or ambiguity. Change is never easy for those of us who crave security and stability; but without change there is no growth. When you know it’s time, you need to build up the courage and let go of everything you’ve worked for in order to see where the next stage of your evolution is going to take you.
I recently made a life altering decision to move to London at the end of March; I’ve been thinking about this move for a couple of years and have wanted to try out London since I was 18. This year just seems to be the year that I need to do this and whilst this decision excites me (granted for brief short moments), I’m also incredibly nervous by it and observe myself thinking about the most trivial things that my ego somehow thinks can persuade me to stay here in Sydney.
I made the move to Sydney almost 10 years ago that move was unwanted and sudden; I came here for holidays and ended up staying for good and accepting this was not an easy journey for me. For the first year in particular it was incredibly tough as I hadn’t properly said goodbye to my friends and family and had only packed one suitcase; because I was due to go back in a months time. Well who would’ve thought that life doesn’t always go to plan? I learned that lesson the hard way and so I don’t really plan for my life anymore; I’ve got dreams and aspirations, but planning seems so counterproductive, to spend all your time planning for something that realistically you have minimal control over.
The past 9 years have had a lot of life altering lessons for me, I’ve gone through so many forms of evolution and growth that I’ve lost count. Most of the journey was painful, lonely, full of loss, depression, anxiety, many and serious family health concerns, heartbreaks, sense of not belonging, not having a home, being in limbo, craving stability, attention, love, being needed and valued. But like every journey amongst the bad there is always the good, good people, good souls, laughs, experiences, achievements, learnings, books – oh how books saved me, from my own thoughts, from the pain and from giving up; food, romances, deaths – yes I’ve listed this in the good category also, despite the death of a loved one being the most painful thing one can experience, it is also the most holy experience as it gives you perspective that you didn’t have before, it can save you from your dwelling by reminding you how precious life is and how important it is to be grateful no matter how hard things can get.
So 9 years of lessons passed, 9 years of change, loss, growth, evolution and dreams. The person I was 9 years ago is so different to who I am today and yet we both share the same core, the soul within that has always been there and will continue to be, despite the various versions of myself that I get to meet. There is still a lot of pain that I need to unfold and sit with, so much that I need to forgive myself and others for, so much that I need to love away; but for all this to happen I need to shake myself to the core and get the pain, fear and fragility to come to the surface. I’m too comfortable now, here, in a place that I’ve built and finally call home after 9 years of resisting it. I’m too familiar with the various versions of myself that have shown up here. This is why the decision to move is so important to me, not to say that everyone needs to make drastic life decisions to get to know themselves, but for me I need to take a risk because I never do. I like my comfort-zone, I like control, knowing what to expect. So for me, this was it. This is what I have to do to sit with fear, discomfort and loneliness. All of which I recognise as holy teachers but whom I’ve always avoided.
Of course this can all go pear shape, see how my fear is now typing this to you; the doubts, the questions the ‘what the hell are you thinking’ thoughts. The moment I made the decision was the moment that I got to meet a new version of myself, that seemed courageous but really is terrified. This new version of myself is going to be the hardest part of this transition because like a child it throws tantrums and causes a scene. For one thing I’ve learned that my fear state is much stronger than my excitement state. When everyone asks me if I am excited I politely say yes, but deep down I am trembling at the thought of what this will mean to me. When I share that I am nervous with some, they don’t understand why I wouldn’t be more excited than nervous; I feel judged like maybe there is something wrong with me for not being more excited? But yet another lesson is being unravelled in front of me, an important one that I need to remind myself of constantly in all areas of my life – don’t worry about not feeling the way others expect you to feel – we should never feel bad or ashamed of how we feel, our experiences are our own and we don’t need to validate them through external means.
I have the most illogical thoughts cross my mind about this move and it makes me realise that I’ve gotten used to being prepared for the worst case scenario. Trauma in the past has given me no other choice but to always be prepared for the worst, but maybe life doesn’t have to always be the worst case scenario? Maybe sometimes things can be good and easy? It’s funny that as I type those questions I think to myself ‘please, since when?’
So much inner conflict, this is it; the start of the next evolution. I share these views openly because I know I’m not the only one who goes through them. No matter the life circumstance we all have moments of doubt, fear, pain, judgement and struggle. People don’t talk about it because it’s taboo to speak of the hard times, instead most put on the fake smile and pretend they’re ok; that’s never been my style and it won’t be something I adopt now.
I share these with whoever happens to read this post, to remind them that the only thing that we can do in any situation is to observe our own thoughts, feelings and narrative and where they are critical and harsh to show compassion towards ourselves and tap into the love that is within us. The more we can cultivate our inner love the weaker the fear becomes. You may not realise how much love is within you, but if you sit in stillness and show kindness towards yourself you will come to realise that it is there; that there is something inside you that has your back.
I want to end this with a quote I heard recently that gave me goosebumps and slapped some hope and courage into me:
I don’t know how to do this, but something inside me does.
Remember that the next time you feel afraid or doubtful.
Love Always,
Miss Dreamer
Souloom™ 