Clouded

We are consumed by the hustle and bustle, the worries, the fears, the day to day stressors we create for ourselves – where we lose perspective of what matters, strive to achieve perfection and race towards the dreams we have; not realising, that trying this hard, overworking, overthinking, overdoing everything only makes us lose the precious moments we have.

I’ve been guilty of this for the past decade, I will continue to be guilty of this, until I can build the habit to tell more positive narratives, choose the perspectives that bring me joy and invest in people that can and want to do the same for themselves. Everything is so simple, we make it complex. Everything we need we have, but we desire more and all that we don’t have but want, not realising that what we want may not be the best thing for us at this point in time. I can’t tell if these traps that I fall into are socially enabled or are due to my personal experiences, but I know that so many people around me can relate to something similar and so to them I want to say, it doesn’t have to be this way.

I’ve finally arrived in London and well, I have no words. Not because of what most would envision, I haven’t been WOWed or taken aback by the ‘sexy’ lifestyle that comes with this decision. Actually, I haven’t even had the chance to do or see much as I’ve been mostly stuck in bed due to being sick and unwell. But I’m speechless because of the version of myself that has shown up that I wasn’t expecting to meet. It’s day 2, so it’s early, but I seem to be far more relaxed and laid back then I thought I would be – despite being sick, with fever and chills and not being able to have a ‘perfect’ start to this move. I mean, if this was in Sydney I would guarantee that I wouldn’t be feeling this way. But it’s not the location that makes the difference, it’s the lessons I’ve learned on this journey that have given me this perspective. Despite the imperfections this start, is just the right start for me – to remind me that you can’t control things no matter how hard you may try.  It’s the way my journey had to go so that I could realise and learn more about myself.

The past 3 months have been full of life lessons, full of evolutions, realisations and gratitude. Then again the past 12 months have been a huge learning experience full of so many experiences that I’m grateful for. The best decision I’ve made so far is when I decided to pause, to practice patience and to stop running after the next thrill, achievement, change, growth and or ‘life race’ that I could think of. As an ambitious person who always strives to achieve the best in life, pausing seemed impossible. But with practice, it actually showed me that I can still get growth without trying to hard; the difference was, the growth that was coming my way was exactly what I needed not what I wanted.

It started with a new role that I went for so that I can get out of a role that was making me miserable and my gosh I am so glad that I went for it – it wasn’t a promotion, nor was it something that I had been waiting for, but it was exactly what I needed and I can say it is a milestone in my adult life because the impact it had on me has altered me completely. I’ve been able to grow and find my voice in an environment where I felt undervalued, unnoticed and isolated, as a result of having the privilege to work with a leader who helped me find my voice, strength and valued me for me. It’s an incredible feeling when someone gives you the space to be you, to contribute in your unique way and doesn’t punish you for making mistakes, for being human and for learning. To him, I will forever be grateful.

Then I faced fears, many of them, flying alone, which to me seemed impossible. For anyone who has a phobia then you can relate, but a quote stuck with me which gave me the determination I needed, which I’m sure I have mentioned plenty of times and that is, ‘everything you want is on the other side of fear’; and let me tell you it really is!

Then I finally realised that home is where I choose to make a home and so the process of healing began and after a decade long resistance, I was finally able to accept Sydney as a home for myself also. This instantly made things easier and allowed me to pursue a dream of coming to London, not because I was running from anything, but because something in me was calling me towards London, an instinct, which I decided to trust.

I also faced what was one of the hardest 4 weeks of my life which was healing through influenza all by myself; having a 40 degree fever nonstop for 3 weeks, with no one to help take care of me, with so much pain that no pain killers helped, infected eyes that impaired my vision, infected sinuses that made me lose hearing in my right ear and of course the isolation; this all took it’s toll on me. It was horrendous and I would never, ever wish it upon anyone. I remember calling my mother on the other side of the world a couple of times saying I feel like I will die tonight; not a comment I made lightly, I was being serious, as nothing was reducing my fever, the pain wasn’t going away and I’ve never felt that sick. This is coming from someone who has had a fare share of experiences of feeling sick; but influenza, it was an absolute nightmare. But once it was over, it gave me a gift that I didn’t have before, which was perspective of what really matters in life. Work doesn’t matter, worry doesn’t matter, whether you get all the things you wish for don’t matter either; the only thing that matters is gratitude, presence, kindness and love. I instantly made life changes and stopped overworking – for the first time in my career I left work at a descent time and before it had gotten dark outside.

Then the decision for London was confirmed, the packing and prepping started, there was so much to do, so much to organise, so much to learn – and I had to do it on my own. I had friends share their experiences with me and a couple lend a hand here and there. But ultimately I had to do everything on my own, which to me was very hard – purely because I have never had to embark on such an endeavour on my own. But you know what I learned that any fear, worry or doubt I had was due to me not knowing myself very well. I mean that’s all that fear and doubt are, we all have so much potential, capability and strength that we never get to experience because we get paralysed by the negative thoughts and narratives we tell ourselves. At what point will you decide that enough is enough? I decided that in October 2015 and listened to another quote which made it all simple: ‘Be afraid and do it anyway’. I guarantee you that in hindsight you will realise that it is always worth it.

The past 12 months was also special not because of the growth I had and the lessons I learned, but because of the incredible and surprising friendships I formed with such beautiful souls that appeared in my life and for relationships I got to re-flourish which I thought had ended. This is the most humbling feeling to have, to have good hearted souls who are going through their own journeys and who share that with you.

Then the flight happened, it was time to say goodbye to my life in Sydney and make my way into the unknown. This wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be, which is a big statement coming from because I can be really sensitive to change and also find it hard to detach from my loved ones – but, surprisingly I felt more secure in the relationships, in the timing and knowing that this is just what I need to do for me right now.

Of course the flight wasn’t going to be easy but on top of that I had fever and chills the whole way – it was tough, but it was another fear of mine that I was so worried about. I thought it would be hell on earth to be both sick and experiencing your phobia; but realised that actually, hell on earth is built or designed by me, if this is what I define as hell then it will be, if this is what I define as another experience that will pass then, suddenly it doesn’t matter. I continuously remind myself that ‘this too shall pass’ – such a powerful reminder.

Of course arriving to London sick, unwell and with no help wasn’t the ideal start – then I realised, what is? I mean focusing on everything that goes wrong is so easy, a habit that we all fall into. But then these are all days of our lives that equally matter – if we only value the moments that are going right or positively then we will miss out on so much of our lives. So I sucked it up and decided to ignore the narratives that were going to ruin this experience and took all pressures off myself. Nothing has to be a certain way, nothing has to be perfect.

2 days in and I realised how clouded my mind has been the past decade, consumed by worry and pressure, by trying to be who I’m not, fit in where I couldn’t, force things that were never in my control and find and fulfil dreams that I didn’t even know how to define and or articulate. I got lost, in the process of growing into an adult – but not the type of lost that results in silly decisions and some regretful nights, instead I got lost in the seriousness of it all, running from truths, pain and fears. But here is the beauty, when you stop running, when you stop avoiding, when you just stay still and notice the space around you – you realise how simple things could be.

It’s been 2 days, but surprisingly my friends and family who have spoken to me have all commented about how different, calm and more like me I seem. This is an example of where your heart and instincts are important compasses in your life. I followed my head and ignored my heart, but our instincts, feelings and bodies are so sophisticated and always know what we need. We may have been brought up to ignore and or avoid them because they can’t be explained and or always proven scientifically, but they are valuable nonetheless. Not everything needs to make logical sense, not everything needs to be right and not everything needs be accepted by others. Our loved ones are all on their own journey and each have their own experiences, therefore, we can’t expect them to show up and or understand our experiences the way we would like them to. Doesn’t mean our experiences matter any less, or that they are not as real as they feel to us.

It’s a paradox – a complexity that is so simple in it’s core. Start by being still as much as you can, love yourself as much as you can – be kind to yourself and others and practice gratitude. No matter how cloudy the sky or hard your life, try and find the little things that you can be grateful for and start shifting the narratives towards things that serve you well. Baby steps, every moment is a chance to heal.

Love Always,

Miss Dreamer