Some experiences in life are sacred, like the warmth of his touch and the smile on his lips. Some changes are so deep that only we realise them and no one will ever see the inner evolution we undergo. As someone who shares everything on their sleeve, I find these experiences hard to digest on my own. But some things need to be felt in the depths of our own hearts and souls – alone. I’ve come to accept this both for myself and for my loved ones. This is particularly true when you are faced with a challenge or a problem a loved one may be going through and they request space instead of love, they request time alone, instead of company, they want to digest their grief, failures, pain and heartaches on their own instead of with your help. For me this is a really hard thing to accept, why? Because when you love someone you’re meant to constantly smother them with love, protect them from pain and be there for them no matter what.. Right?
Well, turns out maybe it’s not as black and white. Maybe, there are various ways we can love someone and in order for us to do a good job at it, we need to pay attention to what they want, instead of what we need. This has been a challenging journey for me to experience and accept – because on top of letting go of this constant need to control a situation and make things better, I also had to practice patience and maintaining boundaries. All of which are parts of my own growth journey, parts that I don’t do well in but have learned in the past year I need to become better at. There have been various milestones that have helped me grow, but there is one individual in particular that has influenced my path without even realising it. I will refer to him as ‘He’.
The story of us is long, it may sound romantic or as though it is a love story – but that is a judgement others may cast based on their own perception of the world. I say this, because I don’t view us as a love story, well not your typical one anyway. I’ve got strong feelings and emotions towards him, but they’re not something that I can articular or describe in words for anyone else to understand the difference between him and those whom I’ve loved in the past.
All I will say is that not every love story is romantic nor does every love story have to meet the expectations of society, friends or family. Some love stories ring true only between two souls, some of them may be fleeting but impactful, some of them may be necessary but painful, but most of them will be stable and sustained due to hard work and effort that is put in by both parties. I’m not going to simplify love and or relationships by categorising them into these versions, of course there are so many other versions. But for the purpose of sharing my experience, I will categorise ours as the fleeting yet impactful version. Though I am still digesting all of this, what I know for sure is that there are so many evolutions I’ve had to undergo as a result of him walking into my life, so that I can grow into the person that I need to become.
He and I were never ‘meant’ to be, or at least that’s what we told ourselves, for years. Then, we had a glimpse in time where a few interactions left footprints on our lives that changed it’s course. He made me go down the path of patience, boundary and space. He tested it all, unintentionally, because it was always meant to work out this way. He, is my biggest test, because all my emotions and weaknesses come to the surface and I see the younger versions of myself gaining momentum, life and energy to resurface whilst my new found versions would be tested over and over again; oh how they are being tested!
It’s interesting how some people can have such a big impact on you – as a person, for better or worse. It’s interesting how much power we give others and sometimes we don’t want to give this power away but we can’t seem to ‘control’ it. Sometimes, it’s important to pay attention to what each person is here to teach us – and to accept them and the situation for what it is. Sometimes, the less than ideal circumstance is all we get and we need to decide if we treat these moments as a blessing or as a curse. Just because some experiences and relationships are fleeting and temporary, doesn’t mean that they are not here to leave an important footprint.
It’s important to not be afraid of this, to not be afraid of good feelings and highs fleeting. It’s ok if the joy you feel with a soul isn’t forever, but the moments you share together are your forever moments. We all fear letting go of joy because we don’t know when, where or how it will come by. But the moment you put experiences of joy and happiness into the hands of others or based on external factors, that is the moment you surrender your own role into experiencing joy on your own and from within.
Of course it’s natural to crave and search for joyful experiences with others, we are social creatures and crave these beautiful connections and bonds that make us feel good. But, it’s important to appreciate them for what they are and not build a full story and or a conclusion based on these external circumstance and connections. That is, it’s important to realise that true joy is from within, therefore, anything external to us is a guiding compass towards this inner joy, the question is, whether or not we confuse this compass as the destination instead of the guiding tool on our journey.
A compass that fell into my lap was him, suddenly and out of the blue; our paths had separated years ago but all of a sudden, they intersected and it took us both by surprise. This unexpected meeting was an instant shock and a high for both of us. A window to an opportunity that we had lost in the past, that we both wanted but never took; but then we found ourselves in a familiar place, a rare opportunity to get a second chance at something we always wanted but thought we could or should never have. But equally taking this second chance isn’t as simple or as easy as it sounds, because timing is everything and whilst our paths have crossed again, the timing wasn’t right because it was clear for us that our paths would soon separate. The irony of life, what we want isn’t always what we need.
He, he is everything I would describe as fun, joyful, exciting, new, energised and fresh but He is also everything that challenges me, frustrates me and tests me. He, is wonderful and great, but he is more than the feelings he gives me and or the experiences we share. He, is an opportunity for me to see myself in a vulnerable way in which all the cracks come to the surface, all the needs that I disguise become bare. He, is my test.
His journey, his life, pull him away and this pulling away is what makes me learn so much about myself. There are a certain set of conditions that mean we can’t be together, but before you, I or anyone get’s all gloomy or romantic about this, it’s important to know that this is the whole point of this relationship. The fact is, that we can’t be together right now, or perhaps ever and this fact, is the lesson. I’m learning that what I want, may not be what I need, that just because I want something now, doesn’t mean I will get it now nor does it indicate that I will ever get anything more than what I already have. Perhaps the ideas I have of him or us, is just that, an idea. But an idea that allows me to practice patience and let things be naturally, without my influence, control or pressure. Perhaps learning to give him space to deal with his journey, will teach me to build my own boundaries for space that I too need from others, so that I can navigate through my own experiences alone and without someone else.
These discomforts have allowed me to grow and I am willing to feel uncomfortable not only because of the lessons I’m learning, but also because I recognise that this is what he needs me to do right now. For the first time in my life I have come to experience and appreciate a version of love that isn’t consumed by ego or my needs alone. I see this person and I am in awe of his existence, because I see so much beauty in his soul and in him. I’m surprised that I find joy and bliss in his happiness, his smile and his success even if it doesn’t involve me, because his joy is more important to me than mine. I would love to experience love with him, but even if I don’t, knowing that he is happy makes everything ok. What is this? I’ve never felt this selflessly about anyone, is this what ‘love’ is meant to be like? Guess time will tell. I’m no hero, or romantic by the way. Though I know it definitely will be interpreted that way. Interpret it how you will, but know that any interpretation is perhaps trying to show you something about your own view and experiences of love.
It’s bizarre, because despite not being in a ‘standard’ relationship, I feel as though this experience between us has helped me grow in so many ways that none of my relationships in the past have. Or perhaps it’s all coincidence, maybe he was there at a point in time in my journey that creates the illusion that he was the one that sparked the change, but in fact it was me, myself who ignited the evolution that I am currently experiencing. Who knows and I guess who cares?
It doesn’t have to make sense, nor does it have to be understood, accepted or appreciated by anyone else other than me. He may not even feel the same, or see it the same way. All of this detail is beside the point – why? Because some things are sacred, they’re deep within our soul for us to know and no external validation, confirmation and or acceptance is needed. Not by others or by our harsh critical selves. Some things are just the way they are, full stop.
For now, I will take the inspiration he provides me to grow and learn about who I am and who I am becoming.
He, he is my mirror on an evolution journey that I can’t wait to experience.
Who is yours?
Love Always,
Miss Dreamer
Souloom™ 