There will be many people who will be undeserving of your love, your time, affection, energy and presence; but the question doesn’t lie in whether or not they’re deserving, the question lies in whether or not you want to be the person who loves unconditionally or if you want to be the person who loves transactionally i.e. someone who gives their time, love and attention away only if there is something to gain in return.
This is not the same as not having boundaries or letting others hurt and disrespect you, this is about knowing that when you open your heart and yourself to someone else, you’re doing it because you choose to do so and not because you want something in return from that person. It’s letting go of expectations but having your own personal boundaries as to what you will and will not be ok with.
It’s a fine line to get right and I’ve struggled with it my whole life; because I’ve always given myself away to those that I love and have expected the same back from them. But not everyone can love as hard, deep or purely as yourself. When you encounter that imbalance that’s where pain can occur. Because you expect the same in return. I’ve been trying to let go of the expectation so that I can see people as they are and not as what they give me and sometimes it’s still hard and it still hurts when someone I admire, care for or love doesn’t reciprocate the same feelings, time or energy. But I’ve come to understand that the narrative I tell myself when they don’t, is what can cause either suffering or understanding. If the narrative I play in my head is that they don’t care about me, love me, used me, aren’t good people etc. then ultimately I’m making myself suffer. But if I change that narrative to, this person doesn’t have the understanding, emotional intelligence and or mindset as I do on things, then it becomes about understanding that person for who they are which is ultimately different to me; therefore, they will show up differently to the way I’d expect them to.
We will never be in someones heart and or mind to know the intentions and thoughts that lie in there. So we rely on their words and behaviours to arrive at some form of truth; but here is the thing, there is no such thing as truth because we interpret those behaviours, words and or actions based on our own subjective life story, narratives, perspectives and view of the world. Therefore, there is always the probability that we can be wrong about the judgement we arrive at and so why arrive at conclusions that don’t serve us and or can contract us? Why not make positive narratives that are scented with love, compassion and self-love?
I can’t fight the amount of love I have in me, I have so much love to give and I often give it to those who may not be deserving; when people surprise me and reciprocate that’s when it all becomes worth it. But I’m making a choice that if someone doesn’t reciprocate the same investment then I will need to decide if that person is worth the time and effort; because of who they are and not what they give me. Some may not understand this concept, because this approach can be perceived as painful. But I know now that pain is not something to avoid, that love is not something to put conditions on and that fear of how things can go wrong will make you blind to all the ways that it can go right.
I’m deciding today to be generous, kind, loving, caring and compassionate to those that I know will not extend the same back to me in the future; but these are individuals that I know need the love most and I know that I will no longer hide these qualities in me so that I don’t get hurt. It’s not my job to fix them, or love them better, but I will show up authentically around them will all my love, all my vulnerability and my being because I know now that they can’t ultimately hurt me, I’m the one that has hurt myself by wanting them to show up like me.
Everybody has something beautiful to bring and share with you; sometimes we don’t understand it or see it because it doesn’t match our filter of the world and so we lose the opportunity to recognise the wonderful things or necessary lessons that each person can show us.
I need to call out that as I remove the expectations, I build very clear boundaries which maintain my peace and energy. Within that boundary I no longer sacrifice myself for others. I know that respect matters to me, I know that I will not allow others to utilise me for their own gains. I have boundaries about my time and emotions, in that I will extend them to myself just as much as the next person; a concept that I’m not naturally familiar with.
I’m starting to find peace, I’m starting to understand that the narratives and the stories can be beautiful all the time. I’m starting to regain my power in forming my attitude, thoughts and beliefs – knowing that I have this one life and I can choose to make the most of the pain and the joy.
I know it hurts, to not get the love, care and attention that you want from others; but make sure you also love yourself as much as you love others and that you are not hoping that their love and affection will fill any void within you that you are too fearful of facing. Because I promise that you are stronger than you realise, braver than you know and more capable than you can imagine. It’s all about taking that leap of faith and going deep within the dark places that you think you can never come out of; but don’t forget you’re the light that will guide your own way through it all.
Love Always,
Miss Dreamer
Souloom™ 