It wasn’t his fault that I was unwell, that I was suffering from the pain, that I was evolving into the version that I needed to be. He was there during my worst and he tried his best. But I put the blame on him because he was nowhere near perfect himself. He too was suffering from pain, he was carrying so much shame, guilt and hurt with him that ultimately it cost him his own balance and our relationship. But there is always two sides to a story and for so long I wanted to convince myself that it’s his fault that we didn’t last, or that I lost myself in our relationship. He was 9 years older than me. so he should’ve known better; but I’m not a child and so I too need to take responsibility for the relationship which we shared.
Yes I invested alot into our relationship and wished he would at least try a bit; but it was my own decision to ignore the signs, the lack of happiness and my needs that were being denied by him. I chose to ignore the differences and justify the relationship out of fear of leaving my best friend and a beautiful soul. Because that’s what he is, a beautiful soul. But even beautiful souls can cause pain, can suffer from pain and can behave in ways which are hurtful. But it shouldn’t take away from all the joy he brought into my life.
He helped me heal, he helped me find my voice, he helped me learn what’s truly important to me and what I will never sacrifice again. He helped me learn patience, gentleness and freedom.
Some relationships can hurt and or put challenges on your life journey that are more lasting than the relationship itself. I have become so guarded ever since; but I’m not this way out of fear of being hurt. I’ve become guarded because I now value myself so much more than I ever did; that I recognise that it will require more than a beautiful soul to come through the gates of my heart.
That my identity, goals, desires, needs and dreams matter and that only those who are willing to share me with me are welcomed into this sacred space.
I’m not afraid of being alone anymore because I now realise that I’m never alone because I’ve got my inner love and spirit holding me. So who will be deserving of the love, affection, energy, intimacy and support that I will offer? To answer that question I need to understand who I will be deserving of myself.
I have to thank him for all of this; without my ex I would never have reached myself; without him I wouldn’t have understood my boundaries. Without him I would’ve never understood and embarked on the journey of self-love.
I think I’m ready to forgive him for his mistakes, forgive myself for my own and take responsibility for the relationship. I know I would have hurt him too and for that I’m sorry; neither one of us intended to harm each other. When I look back, I will remember the fond moments where he was able to add the joy in my life, the safety that I needed so desparately. I will remember him holding me together as I went through the hardest times of my life. I will be forever grateful for his love, kindness, patience and time.
He tried his best and so too did I.
I consider our relationship as a successful time; I hope he does too.
Love Always,
M
Souloom™ 