Timing, is such an important ingredient in the recipe of life.
So many opportunities, relationships and experiences are determined by a sheer fact of luck and being in the right place, at the right time with the right person and experiencing the right things. Sometimes we get to observe and witness a glimpse of what and how things could be if only the timing was right. The hardest part is accepting that sometimes we miss each other by a millisecond, a glance, a smile, a call, all of which can happen a moment later can significantly impact our whole lives. This is both for better and worse, but it’s the hardest when it involves the matter of love.
I care for someone deeply, have cared for them since the moment I met them 8 years ago. I’ve had this feeling that I’ve never been able to express or justify, but it’s been there since the moment I recall crossing paths with him. We became good friends and we both were searching for love, but the circumstance never worked out and so we moved on with our lives and forgot about the feeling deep down that was trying to get our attention. Fast forward 7 years and despite all odds, changes and struggles we somehow found our way back to each other. A message that I wouldn’t have otherwise sent if not for being out so late with friends, re-triggered our friendship and from there fate had us falling into each others arms and hearts. But, timing, well it couldn’t have been worse. He’s at a part in his journey where he is being tested, pulled, pushed and stretched from all possible aspects and I, well I have started a journey that requires me to stay focused on healing the pain, insecurities and chasing ambitions that I’ve shut down for years.
Fast-froward another year since we fell back into each other’s lives and we’ve pursued our own individual paths. We needed to, we had to and didn’t have another choice and as a result we’ve fallen back out from each other’s lives. We are no longer in each other’s space and have no clue of where each of us is heading.
I search for his face around every corner, despite being on different continents. I wonder if I will ever see him again and I’ve seen a few people that remind me of him and every time I have it brings me both pain and joy, the pain is because I miss him and the joy is because I feel so blessed to have loved him and been with him even if for such a short period of time.
The timing wasn’t meant to be and there is nothing we can do about that, it’s as though we jumped onto the same train but I had to get off before he did. I’ve been here before, I’ve always chosen to get off at the stop that suited others and well that hasn’t worked out the best for me. So despite this being the hardest choice I’ve had to make, I decided to get off before him and now I don’t know what stop he got off at or if I can get back onto the train to find him again. Maybe our paths may cross and maybe they won’t. Maybe he thinks of me, maybe he doesn’t. Maybe our story is over or maybe it hasn’t even begun. Who’s to know?
I think of him often, I miss him all the time and I wonder what if I had stayed on the train. But you know what, missing someone isn’t the worst feeling. The worst feeling is losing yourself and never following your dreams, your desires and your calling. I take comfort knowing that he too is following his dreams and what he needed to do in order to find the peace he deserves.
I will look for his face around the corner and if I ever see him again, I will let him know that I’m ok with him not jumping off at my stop with me. That I have learned so much from loving him from afar than I could’ve possibly from being next to him and that when you love someone, you don’t have to always end up with them.
But I don’t know the end to this story, or any other story. Only time will show what is in store for us. Either way, I made the choice to love myself more than I do another soul and as a result I have found peace.
Love always, but don’t sacrifice yourself in the process…
Miss Dreamer
Souloom™ 