Things don’t always make sense, not everything is fair and we don’t always get what we want. No one said that life would be easy but no one said it has to be hard. It’s all a matter of perspective and attitude. I say this with full understanding that sometimes we are handed shit cards, we are faced with situations where being positive and or joyful doesn’t seem possible and for a while it won’t be easy. But choosing our narratives and how we describe things to ourselves can help reduce the day to day hurt, rejection, insecurities, doubts and or any other feelings that take away the opportunity to smile and just let things go.
Our minds are so incredibly strong, our ego controls everything if we let it. It tells you how to interpret the world around you and how to judge situations so that you don’t have to face the consciousness that is within you. The ego is powerful and comfortable. It is also multi-layered, you can feel like as though you’ve set yourself free from it, but the truth is that you can’t truly be free from your ego because as long as you are alive you have a brain which is where your ego resides.
Some of us know and or feel that there is more to us than the thoughts that go through our minds, others may see themselves as their thoughts and their minds. I am not here to tell anyone which path to choose and or what is right or wrong. I truly believe we all have our own journeys and all of our journeys are valid in their own way. So they all need to be respected, valued and understood. Some of us have faith, some don’t, some of us use logic as the guiding compass in our lives and others use their intuition and senses which they can’t articulate. Neither path is more valid than the other (though I am sure that not everyone would agree with my comment). This is my view and so when I interact with people I try to remind myself to be compassionate towards their journey. Even if it doesn’t make sense to me, even if it seems too constrained and or too free. Just because I can’t make sense of it and or agree with it doesn’t make it any more legitimate. I’ve committed to working on non-judgement, whether it be judging myself for how I think, feel or behave or whether it be judging others based on their actions and or views.
It’s particularly hard not to judge and run to a conclusion when peoples comments hurt you. One particular topic that bugs me is how some of my close friends can’t extend this understanding towards me. I’ve been told I care too much, think too much, have too many deep conversations, want too much time with others and many other comments that I’m just too much for some people. It particularly bugs me because my ‘too muchness’ benefits them but when I expect the same level of effort in return then suddenly it is too much. I get frustrated even thinking about this because very rarely do I find people who accept me as I am and are able to appreciate me as I am for who I am.
I understand that my friends don’t understand how much it hurts when they make comments like that, but every time the topic comes up it bugs me. Then I get frustrated with myself for letting it bug me and so the cycle is never ending. The residue of all this is that I feel misunderstood, under appreciated and like I don’t belong. It’s always hard when your tribe doesn’t seem to resonate with you and makes out as though there is something different about you. But I’ve come to realise that perhaps it’s not that I think too much, care too much and or feel too much; I mean if we look at everything on a scale and a continuum we would only be able to appreciate, understand and tolerate others who are at the same part of the scale as us. Like for example I’ve had people comment that I care too much, but equally to me it could be that they don’t care enough. Neither is right or wrong. I’m no hero and they’re no villain, it’s just we are at different parts of the scale and so we judge and conclude based on what we understand.
Whilst I would never point this out to anyone, I think I just need to understand that others may always point out my too muchness; instead of it hurting, I need to accept that this is just who I am and if others can’t appreciate it and or love me as is, then that is ok. Not everyone is meant to understand us and not all our loved ones and or trusted people are meant to relate to us. That’s the point of love, it’s meant to go beyond the differences and exist despite of the things that we don’t understand.
I’ve developed pain towards this topic, because ultimately I’ve always strived to belong, be accepted and to be loved. All of these are basic human desires and needs. I’m slowly understanding that I first need to accept myself, believe that I belong despite being different and or misunderstood and love myself as I am. People aren’t trying to hurt us when they don’t relate to you, more often than not your friends don’t even realise that they’ve done something to upset you. If they were to know the impact, they would be upset with themselves; because your friends love and care for you in their own way and the best way they know how.
The ego tries to convince us otherwise, it tries to form narratives of pain and victimisation because that’s where it has control. But I’m determined to challenge my ego and so I will give others the benefit of the doubt, the compassion that I’d expect as well as the love and trust that I want to receive in return.
Our tribe, our people our loved ones deserve our compassion and forgiveness because we will always hurt each other; even though it’s unintentional, it still hurts. Knowing this, there’s not point piling up the pain so that you suffer. Instead, extending the benefit of the doubt and trusting that the people you’ve chosen as your tribe and as your friends, are deserving of the love and forgiveness.
Love Always, Forgive as you go.
Miss Dreamer
Souloom™ 