It’s all convention, find love, get married, buy house and have kids. A story that has taken shape in many ways throughout all of civilisation.
It’s a convention that I thought I wanted for a very long time; but the older I got and the more I got to know myself, the more I question if that is what will bring me joy. Am I seeking these things because I feel like I should? Or because I genuinely find joy through them?
It was an odd question to ask myself because I’ve never known any different, I didn’t realise that these were choices we could make. I accepted convention as the way of life but I feel as though maybe this convention doesn’t suit my journey. That it doesn’t feel natural to me and that it makes me feel constrained. I need to be clear about something here, wanting all of this is valuable and worth celebrating. Wanting a marriage, family and children are great things to aspire towards and I respect and admire people who dedicate themselves towards these callings.
To be a loving and committed partner in a union is the height of vulnerability, to have children is the greatest act of self-sacrifice and unconditional love. Anyone who becomes a loyal partner or a loving parent is blessed. But this doesn’t mean that those who don’t get married or have children are any less happy, blessed or fulfilled.
It’s difficult for others to digest, because when this convention is challenged it makes some people feel as though their decisions are not deemed as valuable. That’s not my intention here, I’m not picking sides or saying one path is better than the other. But I do believe that everyone has a different path and that they need to be honest with themselves and others, so that they can pursue what brings them joy. There’s nothing worse than following a dream that’s not yours.
I’ve known for over 7 years that I don’t want kids and I am so tired of the comments people make, questioning my judgement, finding the decision odd, immature or temporary. They may be right, things always change and I’m not naive enough to say never. But I’m so sure about this decision, so sure that if it changes I will be so surprised that I would find it hard to believe myself. I’ve got my reasons for making this decision and I just wish others would accept and respect it, instead of criticise, judge or question it.
I have also started questioning the concept of marriage, in that I don’t know if I believe in forever or if forever is a destination I can aim for when I don’t even know what tomorrow holds. Don’t get me wrong, I’d like to find a partner that I can share my journey with and throughout this journey grow and learn with, but I’m also very realistic that despite all efforts, love, intent and energy invested into a relationship sometimes forever is not the best outcome. Balance is what’s more important, feeling joy and blessed for the opportunity to be sharing this path with someone and their various evolution is what is more valuable to me. That doesn’t mean that as soon as things get rough I will walk away, but it does mean that I will not sacrifice myself or my joy for anyone.
I also feel that marriage is not a legal paper, rather it is a bond that you can share with various people throughout your life. It’s the sacred place you hold with another human being, a space where love is felt, essence is experienced and your soul intertwines – no matter the length of time together or the commitment invested towards a common goal.
I just want to find someone who is willing to share themselves and is wanting to share me with me. Someone who is on a journey that is sacred to them and respects that we all have this sacred journey. Someone who is in the space of love when they’re on their own because they understand that love is who they are and where we return to. Someone that is flawed and yet aware of those flaws in a compassionate way.
Up until now I’ve not really found a lot of people that understand these views, accept them and or live with it. I’ve read about similar views and I’m sure I’m not alone in this but when people reject convention they usually go to the other extreme end of the scale.
Recently I’ve been lucky enough to cross paths with a couple who had the same views and had arrived to these views through somewhat of a similar journey. They had questioned convention and realised that convention is not for them, it doesn’t bring them joy and it’s not something that they can relate with. I felt so safe in knowing that my authentic self is understood, accepted and appreciated just as it is and without question. It was a very humbling feeling to find others who could relate to me and I could relate to them and it also gave me hope that I too can find a partner who will be aligned to me and that I wouldn’t have to sacrifice anything in the process. This hope is important because it gives me the strength to remain patient and to work on other things that I’m passionate about, until the the right person comes along and we just make sense with each other.
I’m still figuring out what I want to pursue in my life and how I want to experience the miracle of life that I’ve been gifted with. I know that there is no right or wrong way, but I also know that there are certain choices that are authentic to me and then there are choices that will make those around me happy and comfortable. I hope that I will always have the courage to follow what brings me joy, because when I’m joyful I can radiate it back out to the partner that I will have, to the community I will serve and to the loved ones that I bring into my tribe.
Maybe the conventional choices aren’t suited to me or I’m not suited to them; maybe they are things that I will forever question or maybe I will understand why they are convention.
Who knows what the future holds, but for now I need to be ok with flowing against the river, with dreaming differently and for finding joy in other ways.
Love Always
Miss Dreamer
Souloom™ 