People have various forms, shades and versions. You can’t possibly fully know someone, because there will always be new circumstance which will bring into question one’s character, beliefs, attitude and behaviour. This makes it difficult to trust, I mean how can you trust people if you can’t actually ever know who they are and what they intend?
Maybe it’s me, maybe I have trust issues. Maybe the experiences I’ve had have made me sceptical to kindness, truth and innocence. I’d like to think that I can trust people, but I’ve learned that perhaps trust is something that may take a lifetime to form; in that it needs to be earned every day through actions, behaviours and how people show up.
Recently I’ve had someone from the past come back into my life, someone unexpected and as a result of this, he has raised questions and created circumstances that I wasn’t expecting to find myself in. None of which are negative, but they’re shedding light on so much of my inner gaps and the lessons that I still need to learn. This person came forward with the intention to connect and see if we can form a long-term relationship together. We’re very different to each other, he’s traditional (hence this method of reaching out) and I’m a modernist that challenges norms. He’s black and white, structured and influenced by certain “rights” and “wrongs” and well I’m fluid, ever evolving and a mixture of all the shades of the rainbow, constantly learning and unlearning.
At first I was sceptical to him coming back into my life and I was both guarded and defensive; trying to protect myself from what I don’t understand. From a person that is the opposite to me. But then I built up the courage to learn more about him so that I can see what lies underneath the surface that I can’t understand. As I talk to him I come to understand that we are dressed in different clothing, but that underneath we are one of the same. Our values seem to be aligned, our approach to life is similar and we can understand each other – on most things. But environmental circumstance has made us take on-board cultural norms, behaviours and rituals that the other doesn’t understand and or agree with. Neither is right or wrong, we just come from different worlds. We’re like parallel lines but we are both straight lines and even though it seems like we will never reach each other, we are both of the same shape and going in the same direction. It’s very bizarre actually, it’s very interesting to experience.
I’m slowly starting to let the guard down because I want to feel this experience fully and get to know him better. But this vulnerability has left me exposed and now I’m not sure where he is at and whether or not I’ve interpreted his intentions correctly. I’m struggling to see if his intentions are selfish or if they are pure. Am I just another option that he can pick and choose or am I someone that he sets a part from others?
I don’t know what to expect from him and equally I don’t know if he is another option for me or if I set him a part from others too. I can’t expect something from him that I’m not giving myself. I’m going ahead with this experience to learn more about myself and to practice trusting in the concept of what is meant to be will be. I don’t want to control this situation and or how I show up to it. I don’t want to control me, him or our interactions. But I’m terrified of the vulnerability that I am feeling, the pain that I can become exposed to. Not because I’m scared of pain but because I am afraid of letting go of control.
Control is all I know, it helps me feel safe. I try letting go of control on a day to day basis, but even in doing that I have some form of control because I decide where and how to practice this. But opening your heart, your mind and yourself to another person, well there is no part of that which you can control. The moment that you try to control relationships is the moment you taint it because you bring the past pain into your current experience.
But how am I meant to know what his intentions are and if he’s deserving of this trust and vulnerability? Maybe it’s not about him or what he deserves, maybe it’s about whether or not I am ready to re-expose myself to yet another level of change. Maybe it’s about whether or not the risk is worth it for me or not. I’ve been here so many times, you’d think that the decision would be simple. But when you crave control of your circumstance it’s never easy to let go. No matter how much you practice, there will be scenarios that will test you harder than before. This is one of those scenarios and I have to decide if I want to jump in and take the risk or if I want to run away but maintain my control.
I mean both choices have pros and cons, that is why there is no right or wrong. That is why life is never fixed, because ultimately we choose the path we go down and the experiences we curate for ourselves based on the information we have at hand.
So what choice will I make? Maybe that’s something I just need to pause on and sit with, unpack slowly and not rush into. I find it hard to trust others, but I’m becoming better at trusting myself and my choices. So I will sit with this decision and hear what my inner voice says.
Love Always,
Miss Dreamer
Souloom™ 