We’re afraid, we’re all afraid of something. But being afraid doesn’t have to be the worst feeling in the world. I mean it can be crippling and it can make you feel vulnerable but it can also tell you that you are about to experience something life changing. More often than not the fears we face in our modern lives are unwarranted, seeing as though they can’t actually kill us, though it may feel as though they can. We are afraid of decisions that require us to be brave, bold and strong because we question whether or not we have what it takes to live through them.
We’re afraid of the dark because we can’t see anything, but we’re also afraid of the light when there is too much of it. In life we are often faced with decisions that may seem dark or may seem too bright, but we can get through both if we have the right torch light and or sunglasses to help us navigate through it. The question is, what path do we want to pursue? Neither is right or wrong and both require their own kind of courage.
We are all so gifted in many ways but the world that we live in and the constructs that we have been taught can sometimes make us feel crippled by the dark. We’re led to believe that certain paths are harder and they may be, but they might be the only path that brings you joy. Sometimes we may not have all the answers we need and this can lead us further away from our true calling, but sometimes having too many answers may make us wonder why we haven’t done anything about it? We have gifts, some of us know how to use them and or have been given the means to know what they are and share them with the world. Others, have to go through a lot of trial and error in life to understand what their gift is, what their dreams are and who they were born to be. For a perfectionist, I wish I knew all the answers from the start. I wish that I knew what I wanted to do, could do and be from the moment that I had to decide what my future held. But I didn’t realise the talents I had, I didn’t understand the power of my own voice and I wasn’t in an environment that saw any different. My parents always believed in me and were proud of me, but I don’t think they knew how to flourish me into the best version of me. Partly because I think they were not flourished into the best versions of themselves. They have many gifts and talents that have not been nurtured and or explored. It’s no ones fault, it’s not something to be sad about, it just is the way it has been but doesn’t mean it has to be this way forever.
In this moment I’m disappointed in myself for not fulfilling the promising future I had imagined for myself as a child. I thought that by now I’d be a somebody, that I would have made a difference and that I would’ve helped others. I thought I would have a beautiful love in my life and that together we’d be unstoppable in the good we created. I’d imagined that I would become a voice for good, justice and peace. But instead, I feel disappointed that I’ve been pulled into a corporate lifestyle that helps put my financial insecurities to rest. I don’t earn a lot of money, but the thought of stability helps me feel like as though this is the right thing to do. So I’ve become afraid of taking risks, I’ve become afraid of prioritising my gifts, my dreams and my aspirations. Why? Well because I like many others, am afraid of failure. I’m afraid of my own light and I’m afraid of the dark that I’m creating for myself by settling for something less than joyful. I’m pursuing a dream that is valued by so many and that I’m unable to fulfil because to me it feels forced.
I need to find the faith to take another leap, to prioritise my own joy over the thirst I have for power and money. I know that from the outside looking in, so many may deem me as successful, but I don’t want to live a life that others find of value. I want to be brave enough to lead a life that makes me feel successful in. I don’t want fear to guide me towards the path that will dictate how I leave a mark in this world. There are so many aspects of my job and my current journey that I enjoy, which is probably why I’ve been able to grow so much; but I know that this isn’t the path that I want to see myself on for the rest of my life.
In a world where there are no obstacles what would I do? What would I dare to dream? If I were to close my eyes right now this is what I would dream in a world where nothing is impossible:
I would dream about going back to university to not only continue my studies in psychology but to also pursue law. I would envisage myself as a scientist in the field of psychology and as a human rights lawyer who becomes a voice for those who need someone to fight for them. I would spend my time working for non-for profit organisations that are helping people thrive and consulting large, influential organisations and politicians on important events. With a long-term goal of getting into world politics in the UN.
I would have a successful blog, a best selling book about self-discovery and poetry and I would be giving talks as a philanthropist. I would be doing life coaching in my spare time and pursuing dance and photography as means to help heal my own soul.
Dreamy right? Seems like a lot to do? Because it is and every time I think of this dream I freeze. Because I see either the dark whereby I can’t see what the future holds or the light whereby I can achieve all of this and live out a dream that feels near impossible to me. This all sounds impossible to me, I don’t even know where to start. I feel crippled by the thought of it all. There is the factor of wanting everything else in life too, you know a social life, travel, relationship (or pursuit of one). How can I possibly as a perfectionist achieve all this? As I write all this down, I realise that my fears have crippled me and I’ve lost the energy to dream. I’ve bought into the it will be hard game and have gotten lazy.
Crazy? Who knows maybe, but now that I’ve actually put it down I need to ponder on whether or not this dream is something that I want to pursue enough whereby I’m willing to take the big risks for it.
This song is what has brought all this up, this song makes me want to find my courage to live out my dreams, let’s see if I will be brave enough.
I hope you are brave enough to let your dreams and gifts become a reality.
Love Always,
Miss Dreamer
Souloom™ 