Swan

You can’t “rewrite” history, or can you?

We go through so many experiences throughout our lives and some of these experiences can shape us for better or worse. But it’s the ones that leave scars which we often recall the most, as they tend to form narratives that make us suffer with our pain over and over again.

As part of my own personal healing journey, I want to take back my power and literally “rewrite” my history in this blog post. I want to rewrite the traumatic events of a particular night 7 years ago as well as the long lasting narratives that have been sold to me throughout the past 20 years.

7 years ago I was in a very toxic relationship with a boy who managed to hurt me beyond what words could convey, the pain he caused had a long lasting impact and one which I’ve been battling on a daily basis ever since. I don’t want to go into the details because they don’t matter, what matters is that now I realise what I need to do.

I need to go back to the night that he made me believe that I was not good enough, the night he injected me with the narrative that I am not beautiful. To the night where his poor, degrading character made me question my own worth, beauty and confidence because I couldn’t be what he desired or wanted.

For years I’ve been struggling with the narrative that perhaps I’m the ugly duckling he made me out to be; the reason he gained so much power was because my whole life in school I was bullied about the way I looked, about my glasses, my hair, my skin and my body. So when he put me down, I believed him because by that point hearing that I’m ugly, wierd or not enough had become a narrative that I had been fighting off for years and so I didn’t have the strength to fight anymore.

When the world tells you lies in a convincing way it’s hard not to buy into them, especially when you trust those that are selling you these lies. On the night which I tipped over the edge and developed the pain and suffering that I am working so hard to let go of, I needed to stand up for myself and to walk away from him and our other company that was not worthy of my love, time, energy, loyalty, grace or compassion. I needed to stand up for myself and the girls that were disrespected by being objectified as sheer bodies that only have one purpose, to feed the shallow desires of boys who don’t have any class or character. But I didn’t do that, I sat there and exposed myself to that toxic environment.

Last night, I was meditating and suddenly I reimagined the past, I reimagined the events of that night except this time I did what was right by me and by my friend. I did what I didn’t have the strength to do back then because I wanted so badly to be loved, accepted and desired. This time, I got up from my chair, grabbed her hand and got us out of there and I told her and myself that we are beautiful not because of the superficial standards in which they label us with but because of our individual courage to persevere through pains which we had experienced in our lives. I told her that we are beautiful because we are kind, smart and full of love and that the way we looked and dressed is irrelevant to our worth. Surprisingly this narrative made me feel so empowered that suddenly I imagined us both as wonderwoman, we were strong, powerful, brave, beautiful amazonians fighting off the superficial and shallow narratives of this fake world.

This was what needed to happen, this is how that night should’ve gone; but of course hindsight, experience and growth give you a perspective that your youtful self is naive to.

I’ve been questioning my own narrative about this for years and have been struggling in relationships thinking I’m not good enough or that I will be mistreated again. But the truth is that his poor behaviours don’t determine my reality and that I am only as worthy and valuable as I see myself.

In a world where everything around you is selling you insecurity, competition, fakeness and perfection, you need to find the strength to stand up and say I will not allow you to determine my feelings of self-worth. My body, my face, my clothes and my way of showing up in the world will only be determined by me! I will be the one who decides if I’m sexy, beautiful, desirable and worthy.

If others (in particular your so called partners) make you feel like the ugly duckling then remind them how that story ends, remind them that the ugly duckling grew up to be a swan and find your courage to walk away from those who fail to see this.

This pain has no more space in my future, this pain can’t be carried on. This pain needs to be healed and I am ready to take back my power and stand up for myself.

This swan is ready to move onto other stories, this swan is no longer the ugly duckling.

Love Always,

Miss Dreamer