You are not perfect and neither is our love. Our memories are going to be a combination of good times, bad times, highs and lows and sometimes we will question if this is what we want. But maybe we are asking ourselves the wrong question, maybe it’s not about what we want but about what we need?
Love is a not just a fuzzy feeling you get inside, it’s also a choice to see beyond someone’s flaws and limitations and to recognise them for their truth and light. Often, the ability to do this is tainted by egotistical narratives which decieve us into thinking that the person we are with is somehow not good enough because they don’t fulfil our every need and expectation. But what we don’t always pay attention to is how we perceive the world and the role that we and others play in it. Once you are sure about some of the basics like the person you’re with is a kind and descent person who you can trust and who respects you, then the rest becomes personal preference. Which, is also important to a degree when trying to form a relationship, but there is a fine line between having boundaries around what values you seek in your partner vs. having an expectation for your partner to fulfil your ideal view of them. Reality is that no one is perfect, not even those of us who try so hard to be. We all have flaws that are annoying and can come across as unpleasant to others.
When you go into a relationship things can get really confusing. What metric are you meant to use to measure the happiness or success of a relationship? How do we define compatability when we are always evolving and changing? How can you ever be sure that the person you want to spend the rest of your life with will be able to show up in ways that will keep you happy and satisfied? All these questions are a bit hard to answer, though I’m sure many will make attempts at answering them. But seeking to answer these questions will only give us a false sense of security because it will take away the ambiguity of the situation for temporary time. In other words, responding to these questions confidently doesn’t necessarily mean that you will never have challenges in your relationship.
So back to the drawing board, what do you use to determine if the person you’re with is the right one or not? Gut feeling is the only response I have at this stage of my life. Don’t mistake your intuition with your feelings about a person, often we may love someone deeply but deep within us we just know that it’s not going to work for whatever reason. So emotions aren’t the same as our gut feeling and our gut feelings aren’t bullet proof; they can only serve our current versions and may alter as we alter.
This is the thing, the concept of thinking that relationships are forerver is a bit foreign to me. Don’t get me wrong, I’d like to think that is the case and that the person I love and choose will be the one I grow old with – but there is no way of guaranteeing this and that is ok!
Now that I know the outcome isn’t something I can control, I need to become more attuned to how I can improve the journey and the experience. For a long time I thought that my partner was responsible for changing their behviours to suit my needs. But sometimes for some things, you both need to re-evaluate yourselves. More often than not, it’s the narratives, expectations, judgements, templates and views in our own heads that blind us to the essence of the person in front of us. What they do, we interpret with our subjective minds – this can lead to some great misunderstandings and some unintended consequences. Khalil Gibran put it best when he said “Between what is said and not meant, and what is meant but not said, most love is lost”. What a profound and simple way of bringing us back to the centre of what love is really about.
I went on a road trip with my partner recently where I was expecting to have a really good time. I had this expectation that we would bond throughout the road trip through some really deep and meaningful conversations. In my head, I had a vision of what I wanted the road trip to be like – because I’ve thought about this before I even met him! I mean to say I’ve always wanted to do a road trip with my partner and there is this ‘film’ that I had recorded in my head around how it would go. So when we embarked on this trip, I was thinking that this time and space away from everything will helps us connect on an even more deeper level. In hindsight we did connect on a deeper level, but in the moment I felt nothing but frustration, disappointment and agitation. Why? Because the experience didn’t match the expectation that I had in my head of how I wanted it to go. He wasn’t fulfilling the ‘role’ that I had given my partner and he wasn’t engaging with me in the way that I would want him to.
For the first couple of days the frustration led me to question our compatibility but then on the third day something kicked in, I had an insight that said “pause and observe”. I realised that he was making conversations and effort with me, but it just wasn’t to the standard or level that I was expecting. When I took a step back and put myself in his shoes, I understood that actually making non stop conversations and being all romantic and mooshi, is not who he is. He is a shy and quiet type of guy, who often enjoys silence and doesn’t see the expression of feelings in big bold events but in small daily things that can often be taken for granted by me. I realised that I was punishing him for not being the way I want him to be and equally not enjoying his company for what it was. I had to really assess where all this was coming from and I realised that my feelings about this whole situation is more reflective of my own past experiences, narratives and personality traits then it is about him. I also recognised that I need to express my feelings to him but also understand that we both need to take a step towards each other and that it’s unfair for me to expect him to fulfil these needs at the standard in which I would expect.
I want to be clear that I’m not ‘settling’ for something that doesn’t make me happy, rather, I was wearing the wrong tainted glasses in looking at the situation. When we look at our partners with a certain set of expectations we are bound to be disappointed. No two human beings are the same, in a relationship the important thing is to give each other the space so that you can observe and learn about each other. You need to appreciate each others differences and also be open to seeing the contributions and efforts that your partner offers – even if it isn’t packaged in the way that you would package your own contributions and efforts. At the end of the day you may decide that you still don’t think you are compatible but you will be deciding that through a fair assessment as opposed to one that is based on your own expectations and views of the world.
Whenever we have a particular idea in our head, we can become closed off to the things that are in front of us and this is because our brains like templates, shortcuts and biases. They also like anything that is familiar and relatable. But sometimes there is beauty outside of all of this and we can’t see that beauty if we are constantly shutting ourselves off to it. For those of you who are familiar with the 5 love languages, then you will understand the intent behind this blog a bit better. What I’m trying to get at here though goes slightly above and beyond the expression of our love to each other, yes our love languages can be different but in a relationship there is a lot more than just the love we express to each other. It’s also about the behaviours we demonstrate and the personality traits that we bring to the table. In addition we each have our own spiritual journeys that we are experiencing with our partners.
In a round about way the point that I’m trying to make here is that we all need to give ourselves and our partners the space to be their authentic self. In that presence we need to observe as compassionately and as kindly as possible the way they show up and see them for who they are without punishing them for not being who you want them to be. If who they are isn’t what brings you joy, then you need to ask yourself the hard question of is this the right union for me? It’s important though that you don’t confuse joy with your ego being satisfied. Often, when we decide if someone is for us or not we do so based on how much of our ego they satisfy or please. But, joy is about the essence of how they make you feel beyond the space of the narratives that are written by your ego.
This is a very complex topic and one that I hope to write about some more as I evolve through my own journey and unfolding. In the meantime, I want to leave you with this Rumi quote:
If you look too closely at the form, you will miss the essence – Rumi
Love Always,
Miss Dreamer
Souloom™ 