Everyone has faults, everyone screws up at some point or another and everyone is capable of hurting those around them; be it often unintentionally. Every day is an opportunity for us to be better, do better and feel better. But if things were that easy, then we wouldn’t have so much suffering in the world.
I get it, sometimes you know better but your emotions are blocking you from being able to break free from the thoughts that hinder you. Whenever you let yourself down, you tend to kick yourself even more for not being able to achieve your goals and or act on your intention. This kicking is damaging. This kicking, is what is holding us back and often it is driven by expectations that have been formed based on a standard that was set externally to us.
I’ve come to the conclusion that the only priority in life is to maintain your mental, physical and emotional health. That it is ok to prioritise these ahead of achievements that you get measured on by society, because earning more money doesn’t solve the void you feel inside when you feel insecure. Having the job you dreamt of doesn’t always equate to being at peace with yourself. Being able to afford expensive things and or indulging in luxuries of life doesn’t mean that you will feel joyful and or grateful. As part of this realisation I’ve also come to accept that some of us, like myself, have to work harder on maintaining their emotional and mental balance in a world where everything is fast pace and superficial.
This is absolutely ok and there is no shame in it, if anything, pretending otherwise and trying to be something that you’re not is what pressures you into thinking that you’re not good enough. I sometimes feel like I have so much inner conflict in me that I confuse myself more than anyone or anything else. This inner dialogue is often unkind because it has conflicting views on what the priorities should be. I have a side to me that is free willed, independent in thought and emotion, resilient and strong, so when this side of me is nourished I feel in control, clear and ready to take on the world. But I also have a side of me that is a perfectionist, that continuously makes me procrastinate because failing feels worse than trying; so when I don’t try and I feel disappointed in myself I kick myself for failing to make the changes I need to make. This is unhealthy and counterproductive, so it this dialogue needs to change – but human behaviour and human mindset doesn’t change easily and it requires a lot of conscious time and effort to be able to train yourself to be kinder to yourself.
I get frustrated though, because like most people I want fast turn around and results that will motivate me to keep going; but of course, that would make it too easy. So this unhealthy cycle is a trap that I continuously fall into and one that I won’t be able to break any time soon. I don’t have the answers and that makes me feel uncomfortable, I don’t know what to expect and I freak out when I feel out of control. But what I do know is that eventually everything works out in a way that exceeds your imagination and so I need to trust the process.
If the only thing I do today is to replace my negative thoughts of “you’re being lazy again you’re wasting time” with “it’s ok to rest and let your body heal from a stressful week” then I would’ve have achieved something really important. This alone is a starting point and a starting point is all you need when you’re trying to shift your direction.
Be kind to yourself when you’re trying to adopt a whole new narrative, it’ll take time but you will get there if you persevere through the set backs.
This is life, enjoy it because it’s precious.
Love Always,
Miss Dreamer
Souloom™ 