Here we are now, with so much change that has come and gone; with so much stress that is now forgotten, with so much difficulty that is now not important. So then, what was the point of all the energy that was invested in the moments that seemed impossible at the time and or seemed unfair or somehow uncomfortable?
I have invested so much energy into caring about things that simply don’t matter in the future because life always has a way of making things work – even when they don’t work out the way you intended, they still work the way they need to; the way that only your future self can appreciate and recognise. So then what’s the point of worrying about the things we can’t control? I feel as though when you’ve been brought up in a developed country you are at risk of losing your perspective and therefore stressing over mundane things that really don’t matter – first world problems as they say.
I often try to remind myself that my conflict at work isn’t as stressful as the conflict that a mother faces in a war zone, or that my little tantrum for plans not going a certain way isn’t as important or life altering as people losing their homes and their whole life plans because of circumstances that are completely out of their hands. I need to provide myself with these extreme perspectives because growing up in a safe, secure and fortunate environment I find that I often stress over the smallest things that don’t even matter to me a few weeks later.
The world that we have created is so fast paced, so materialistic and so competitive that we often don’t even realise that we’ve been pulled into a whirlpool that is taking us deeper and deeper into the depths of nothingness. I have become so consumed with my insecurities and the worries that I don’t even have the cognitive capacity to hope, dream and create. I have become so trapped by the external noise of the world that it’s becoming harder and harder to realise who I am in my depths and my core. This anxiety that my body feels is an alarm that is telling me that I need to get myself out of the whirlpool and into the sacred place where joy sits and peace exists. I’ve done it before, but when I’ve done so in the past it was under more relaxed circumstance and so now I need to learn how to do it when everything seems impossible, where nothing is certain and where the distraction is increasing.
I am going to be 30 years old in a few months time and I recall starting this blog at 25 thinking that I want to pursue the things that bring me joy and I want to change the course of my life by doing things that I find interesting and fulfilling. Almost 5 years have passed and I’ve not invested the time and energy I need into building this dream and this path that I envisioned for myself; instead I’ve used external reasons to blame my lack of action on, the reality is that my lack of internal trust and belief is what has and will continue to stop me.
When I think about where my motivation and energy has gone I get really upset because I judge myself for not doing better when I know better. I feel disappointed when I look back at my younger self and feel as though somehow I’ve let her down because I’m not where she dreamt I would be. Not all of this is related to success or achievement, in fact most of my disappointments lie in the essence of me continuing to force myself to do things that I don’t want to because somehow they help my anxiety feel a little less overwhelming. I’ve known for years I don’t want to pursue a corporate job and yet I can’t walk away because the fear of financial insecurity makes me panic and it only makes me talk myself out of the path that brings me joy.
The lack of trust and faith which I have in myself is what is holding me back and ultimately it’s the narrative in my head that makes me feel as though I need to wait until the right time and the right place. But there is no such thing as a right time and a right place, because time is not guaranteed and those of us who put things off for ‘someday’ are risking the fact that ‘someday’ may never arrive.
If only it was easy for us to change those narratives around overnight; if only once you thought that you want to do something differently you actually would. It’s not that simple, at least not for everybody and it’s ok. Everyone has their own pace at growing, changing and evolving and it’s not about speed but about perseverance and hope.
Here we are, another day to digest the lessons of life. Here we are and that’s exactly where we’re meant to be at any one point. So don’t punish yourself for the things you ‘should’ve’ done differently, instead love yourself for recognising that you’re on a journey and that despite all the pain and challenge, you’re still persevering.
Love Always,
Miss Dreamer
Souloom™ 