Recently I received some uninvited news from my sister around the potential return of my mothers cancer. Whilst we are still waiting for the test results to confirm what path lays ahead, the possibility of such news being true is enough to shake up our world. On the same day I too got admitted to hospital because I had an incident earlier in the week which indicated I may have had a mini-stroke. So as my mother and family were waiting in emergency in Sydney Australia, I too was waiting to be seen in emergency in London!
After what was a very overwhelming 24 hours I received good news that despite my symptoms mirroring a mini-stroke, I was experiencing exacerbated effects of a hidden migraine and that I need to de-stress for the symptoms to go away. Easier said than done, because I was experiencing a heightened level of stress before my mothers news and now, well let’s just say there was a lot for one person to handle! But I was lucky enough to have friends who showed up with so much love and words of kindness. Friends who reminded me of my strength and who took the worries and held onto it with me so that I don’t have to feel crushed under the weight of what appeared to be too much to handle.
Naturally throughout the days to come it was difficult for me to digest the news, especially being so far away from my family and also because I tend to have a worrying mind that isn’t always my friend. It’s important to be truthful about the hard parts because before anyone finds their strength, they go through a lot of pain, challenge and exhaustion. So I don’t want anyone reading this thinking that I somehow have more strenght or courage than they do, because I don’t. I just have a lot of experience with dealing with trauma and pain because of the soul journey I’ve been on, so I know the drill that’s all. I know that I have a worrying mind, I know that fear comes more naturally to me than trust, so I know that I have to find the fine line between feeling what I need to feel and not falling into a dark place where I can’t serve anyone, including myself.
This is a challenge and requires a lot of cognitive energy. When you receive news like this about a loved one, it’s only natural to worry, to cry, to be afraid and to feel a bit numb after you digest it all. My friends ask me if I’m ok and I don’t know what to say, because the answer is yes I am and no I’m not. I guess it depends on what perspective you take. Yes I am ok, because it could always be worse but no I’m not ok because no one wants to see their loved one go through this.
I know my mother wouldn’t want me to be scared or sad and she would always want me to have faith and be strong, but I also know that being human means having moments of vulnerability and weakness before you could rise to your strength and fight the demons you are faced with. It was important to be kind to myself as I digested the news and the knock on impact it would have on critical life choices around where I live, where I go next, what I do with my relationship, my career etc. These were all questions I had to address even before this curve ball was thrown at me as I am on a visa in a country that I wanted to call home but knew I wouldn’t be able to (let’s talk about this later). I was trying to navigate my way through the uncertainties in my life so that I can hopefully establish the path that I wanted to, now of course everything may change and I need to find a way to cope with it until I can figure it all out. Of course noting that the main priority is my mothers health, because like all mothers she is the reason why I have life and so her health and happiness is always priority.
I’m not going to lie, this week involved a lot of napping and crying both of which are coping mechanisms that help my body process stress. In the midst of this I realised something profound that has given me strength to proceed with the circumstance. My realisation was that when life gives you lemons you don’t have to make lemonade; you can choose to make something else, you can make lemon meringue, lemon tart, lemon souffle or you can choose to make something completely new that no one else has made.
When life gives you lemons you don’t have to make lemonade; you can choose to make something else, you can make lemon meringue, lemon tart, lemon soufle or you can choose to make something completely new that no one else has made. – Miss Dreamer
To do this, you have to place the lemons on the kitchen table, ponder about the creative things that come to your mind and then use your instinct to whip up something that is unique to you and that you feel like eating. Metaphors help me, what can I say! I was going to make lemonade with the lemons that were handed to me, but to be honest lemonade hasn’t worked very well for me in the past. I’ve been down this road before and I now know that actually, I want to make my own kind of recipe from the ingredients set out in front of me. I’m not making light of the situation but I do want to make an important point that we don’t always have to follow the most obvious route and that perhaps there are alternative solutions that we can explore.
When we are faced with unwanted and unforeseen challenges in our lives we have a variety of ways which we can react to it. Often we opt in for a solution that we’ve used in the past and or that is based on the advice and experience of those around us. But adversity doesn’t have to be managed in the same way every time. Maybe there is a different way that we can manage the pressure and the stress so that we can experience a little bit more joy than we have done so in the past. That’s right I said it, experience more joy in the midst of pain and pressure. Let’s not lose perspective of the gift of life even when the whole world feels like it is crumbling underneath your feet. In every moment there is an opportunity to practice joy and the only person that can make you feel joy is you. This is an inredibly difficult thing to do but I know it’s better than the alternative because in the past, I never allowed any room for joy and I became victim to my fears and my worries. In retrospect, that didn’t help me or those around me and I wish that I knew better, but I guess that is what growing up is all about; you live and you learn.
Experiencing joy in the midst of pain doesn’t mean you won’t be giving into your fears or your worries. Heck it’s more likely that you will be consumed with fear and worry than you will be swimming in joy; but it’s all practice and you have to start somewhere. So, even if you could allow yourself to feel joy for 5 seconds then that is enough. Because little moments like that is what is going to give you the strength you need to get through the sh!t that life throws at you.
It’s also really important to observe the thoughts and the narratives that come into your mind. Managing your mental health requires you to understand your downfalls when it comes to stress and how you process it. These downfalls aren’t something you should punish yourself over, but it’s important that you become friends with them so that you can be kind to yourself and acknowledge them when they’re trying to pull you down. In my own personal experience over the past few days my mind has gone through various scenarios of which all of them involve some level of victimisation whereby I feel as though I’ve lost all choice and and that the path in life which I wanted to take is no longer existent. I have also observed that I tend to catastrophize scenarios, probably cause of my wild imagination. Which is annoying because this imagination can be put to better use and towards more positive outcomes, but my brain isn’t used to utilising it in this way and so I have to be very conscious that I don’t create a dramatic hollywood movie where I feel sorry for myself because of what I’m experiencing. Again, this doesn’t mean that there is no credit to how I feel or that the things that I personally experience are any less important than those around me. This just simply means for example that when I think about being unemployed over the next few months, that doesn’t mean I will never be employable again and that I’m going to become homeless because I will never get back on my feet, that is classic catastrophising.
But like every reaction, your body is trying to bring certain messages to your consciousness so that you can manage them better. My fear of unemployment is a way of my body saying “hey, over the next few months there is going to be a level of uncertainty with your career, just want to flag it with you so that you can find the best possible solution for this.” The solution may not match the ideals that I had for my career, but that doesn’t matter. What matters is that I address the concern in a practical way under existing circumstance so that I can maintain my confidence and sense of control which will ultimately make me feel more secure.
Another thing that I’ve come to understand is that my mind is trying to manage this news the way it did before, when I was in my early 20s and my mother first got diagnosed. It is trying to focus in on being the pillar of strength that my family needs by dismissing my own emotions, feelings, needs and boundaries. This approach was effective temporarily but in hindsight it was an approach that didn’t serve me well as it manifested in ways that had consequences which I am still managing a decade on. When you don’t put your emotions, feelings and boundaries first, you end up making poor decisions that don’t have a good outcome for you in the long run. As adults we are responsible for our own well-being and so that does mean putting our needs and boundaries first when we find that failing to do so will mean harming our mental, emotional or phsyical health.
This can be incredibly hard to achieve especially in a family dynamic where you want to show up and be supportive of your loved ones. Where you want to put them first and help make things easier for them. But you also recognise that as a result of that you will have to be engaged in situations that don’t bring you joy, that don’t energise you and that don’t give you the strength you need to do what you have to do. We can’t love and support others if we are not at our best, so it’s always important to take care of yourself even it if means disappointing those around you. This takes courage and like Nelson Mandela said courage is not the absence of fear, it’s being afraid but doing it anyway (paraphrased).
I know personally there are some unhealthy emotional patterns coming up that are driven by the fear of letting my family down. These unhealthy patterns manifest themselves as me being silent about how I feel about the situation and articulating my personal needs because I feel as though right now is not a time to have any personal needs and it’s just a time to take care of them. But this is unrealistic because as humans we always have personal needs not matter what the situation is. This reaction is what I’m aliking to making lemonade, my natural response to managing situations like this.
I now know that no matter how hard it is, it’s important to set boundaries for yourself that allow you to stay healthy and stable so that you can love others who may need your strength. I now know that expectations are what causes most of our suffering and that these expectations can be set even without an utterance of a word; but it is up to us to kindly unpack them and understand their intetion.
I have set myself expectations that I perceive my family have of me, because when I look at them I see that they have always showed up for me. But I know that the way in which I show up doesn’t match the same behaviours which they demonstrate. This has to do with our differences as people and not the intention behind it. My family is a priority to me and one that I would like to support, but I need to be ok that my support may not manifest itself in the way that they expect of me. This is the part that I need to work on, because I feel guilty about not being able to meet the needs of my sister in particular. I feel as though I fail her every time I don’t provide her with what she needs. But we are very different in how we are driven and how we thrive. The difference in our love language can often make it difficult for us to comfort each other in the way we need. I know my biggest challenge will be maintaining the fine line where I can take care of her whilst also taking care of me. The crux of it all is that we can’t take care of others if we don’t take care of ourselves.
To make this work, there needs to be a middle ground and that middle ground needs to be determined based on needs, boundaries and managing expectations of both yourself and others. We all need to speak our truth and not be afraid that we won’t meet the expectations of our loved ones. I’m not blind to my father, mother and sister also having their own personal challenges, needs and boundaries so it’s important that they too put themselves first so we can all show up for each other in the best way we can.
I don’t know what I’m going to make with these lemons yet, but I feel a little more hopeful knowing that it doesn’t have to be as sour as last time and that this time I can take my time and use my experience to create something more joyful.
Love Always,
Miss Dreamer
Souloom™ 