Anger

I realised this morning that I’m angry, not at a surface level but at a deep level whereby I don’t even notice it myself.

But I’m angry at a lot of things in both the world around me and deep within me. This anger manifests itself in so many ways but mainly in the form of control and perfectionism. But it’s all counter productive and actually it is doing more harm than good. So, the simple solution here would be to stop this mindset and free myself from the anger and control, right? But of course being human comes with ups, downs and way down moments.

To expect yourself to heal quickly and stay healed long term can sometimes be unrealistic. We hear so many people talk about their journey and how they’ve overcome their own fears, battles and challenges and now they’re in a state of bliss, joy and gratitude. This could be true for some. but even if it is, there are behind the scenes that we wouldn’t be exposed to and or know about and those behind the scenes moments well and truly matter, because they’re the journey which has led them there and that journey is more relatable than the destination.

I don’t know where my destination is and or if I will be successful in reaching a glossy, blissful one, but here is my behind the scenes, it’s a bit of a mess and I haven’t fully thought it through because I’m speaking freely and from a place of hurt, emotion and fear. All of which are places which we can find ourselves for different reasons. These are the places we need the most help but often find it too hard, shameful or isolating to discuss and share openly. Instead of embracing our humanness, we’re embellishing it so that we can maintain a reality that is more pleasant for others but less fulfilling for ourselves. Collectively we don’t benefit from this embellishment either as we don’t realise that we’re isolating ourselves from human compassion, care and understanding – the only cures for most emotional and psychological scars.

I want to let go of the anger that I have inside so to help me get started I need to understand what it is that I am angry about. In listing it in my head I realised I’m angry at a few things. But there is a pattern of emotion underlying the anger. I will never forget learning about anger being a secondary emotion whereby it acts as the smoke detector for our emotions inside our bodies, notifying us of other vulnerable and important emotions that need our love and care. This is powerful because it can help us become more alert to our own internal cry for help. But often, we can get swooped up in the energy that anger has and express the anger instead of the underlying emotion.

First I need to understand what the anger is related to, so here goes:

1. I’m angry at health cares system that is centred around treatment instead of prevention – this led to Drs not detecting my mothers cancer before it had advanced when they were so called monitoring her post her initial diagnosis
2. I’m angry at all the people who meant something to me in my life, but then abandoned me
3. I’m angry at the world for being so consumed with superficial and materialistic things and failing to see the negative impact we are collectively leaving on mother nature and all it’s living creatures
4. I’m angry at the greed and selfishness that we are exposed to daily in our society
5. I’m angry at the boys who came into my life and used my kindness, feelings, body and love for their own personal interest and in the process made me believe lies and untruths about myself
6. I’m angry for being rejected and or ridiculed for my way of being in the world
7. I’m angry for not being given the opportunities I worked so hard towards for no apparent reason other than being perceived as different than those who had my future in their hands
8. I’m angry for not being where I want to be in my life and not being able to achieve the ‘success’ which I thought would come so easily to me due to my dedication and hard work – turns out the world isn’t a just place and that there is no direct relationship between input and output
9. I’m angry about all the shit my family has been through and the number of times I’ve been in tears praying that they would survive the cards they’ve been dealt with
10. I’m angry about all the friends I had to say goodbye to because of moving back and forth
11. I’m angry about being bullied for my hair, glasses and way of being in one shape or another
12. I’m angry about having to leave London so abruptly and without any idea about what the hell is going to happen to my life
13. I’m angry about saying goodbye to a home that I thought I would never find again and a version of myself that I hoped hadn’t been lost
14. I’m angry about being criticised for my sensitivity and emotionality
15. I’m angry about my partners boss who threw him under the bus to protect her own reputation and as a result meant I had to go on this journey on my own
16. I’m angry about all the injustice in the world, where the rich keep getting richer and the poor keep getting poorer
17. I’m angry about the number of women and children being trafficked for the pleasure of disgusting men
18. I’m angry about being sold a lie about what ‘role’ I have to play as a woman and the beliefs I’m meant to have about myself which are all restrictive and foreign to me as a person
19. I’m angry about confusing objectification as sexiness because that is what had been sold to me as a woman my whole life – sexiness is not objectification of women and their bodies!
20. I’m angry about being called too passionate because I care about what happens to others in the world
21. I’m angry about my curiosity and creativity not being embraced in the workplace but instead being crushed because it challenged status quo
22. I’m angry about the mental health issues I have to deal with on a daily basis and how some days it feels like the battle is never over
23. I’m angry at myself for not being kinder to myself when I know better
24. I’m angry about the expectations that I can’t meet and the expectations I have of others
25. I’m angry about the lack of attention and care I receive from some of my most dearest loved ones because of certain dynamics that have been created
26. I’m angry at myself for defining myself for so many years based on the views of others
27. I’m angry that authenticity isn’t what wins you opportunity or popularity – instead knowing how to play the politics of any game that you are involved in is what gets you ahead

Listing these out openly has made me realise that I have some fundamental psychological barriers that have been masked by anger and have also manifested in unhealthy narratives or behaviours which now require some processing, care and release.

Most of the anger above is rooted in:

• Sadness or fear related to events that have impacted my loved ones
• Sense of rejection and not belonging
• Social injustice in the world and lack of compassion demonstrated – with an increased emphasise on personal greed and gain
• Sense of feeling unworthy, not enough and undervalued – whether it be socially, professionally or romantically
• Sense of unfairness and realising that there are more variables at play in the world than one’s personal intentions, behaviours, efforts and input
• Sense of loss and the change that comes with it – every chapter in our lives brings with it a bittersweetness that takes time to get used to
• Lack of self love, self acceptance, self compassion and self kindness – being my own harshest critic and punishing myself for not being better than what I already am –  at any point in time we are all the best we can be
• False beliefs that have been manufactured against womanhood and being a person in this world – it’s not even about gender – it’s about inequality and the lies that we are told to sell us false narratives that don’t benefit us

If we reflect on the world that we live in today, there is so much distraction that takes us away from our sense of self – we lose our path home and so we inhale all the toxic narratives into the depths of our souls. Breaking free from this is not an easy battle and it comes with more failures than wins, but the alternative is doesn’t serve us well either.

I am angry at some key fundamental events, beliefs, expectations, relationship dynamics and social injustices. This anger isn’t going to go away easily and a part of me prefers to ignore it all together because it’s easier to avoid and numb myself with distractions. Even the intention of doing this work will not last very long, because I still have a long way to go before the awareness will turn into healing and growth.

Here is the only thing that one can do when such awareness comes, sit with it – for however long you need so that you can take a step towards the path that you’re meant to go on your soul journey.

Love Always

Miss Dreamer