Shed

I’m currently 29 years old and I’ve been in 6 relationships since the age of 16. Of these 6 relationships 4 were incredibly toxic and in hindsight incredibly difficult lessons that have cost me years of trauma, anxieties, insecurities and emotional pain. I’ve been lied to, cheated on, emotionally abused, physically used, threatened, stalked and defamed. To those that know me, this may come as a shock because I’m not the type of girl that would look for trouble or ‘bad guys’, I’ve got a good head on my shoulders and I’m not one that seeks attention. So what the fu*% right? I blamed myself for years too, but I’ve realised that is incredibly toxic and also incredibly misguided because I am not responsible for the actions of others. Unfortunately, I found myself falling for manipulative boys during some really vulnerable periods of my life and whilst I’ve learned some valuable lessons from these relationships, I’m still learning and unlearning a lot that has come from them.   Eventually I found my strength and left these relationships, but most the time this strength came after a period of time so the damage was done. But, I am proud of myself for walking away and I have come to understand that what kept me in these toxic relationships was a combination of 1) thinking that people were capable of change 2) thinking that loving someone meant forgiving their poor behaviours 3) going through family health issues / trauma 4) going through depression during one of them 4) being threatened in to maintaining the relationships 5) being afraid of getting help from adults when I was younger and from friends when I was older.

My 5th relationship was an interesting experience because it was with an incredibly kind hearted man who took care of my soul but didn’t know how to show up in a healthy way in the relationship. At the time we were both dealing with our personal struggles, insecurities and anxieties and so we often would argue over petty things. In hindsight I realise that we probably weren’t in the right mindset to be in a relationship together, we didn’t know how to communicate well with each other and we were both stubborn, immature and just not capable of showing up as the best versions of ourselves despite our best intentions. That being said, there was nothing fundamentally wrong with this individual and I only have good things to say about him but I recognise it was the wrong time, wrong place and the wrong dynamic for that to work. This was a different type of toxic relationship, it was toxic because it drained our energy and our joy, but didn’t damage our souls or spirits. It was also the longest relationship I was in, 5.5 years; one of the reasons which it lasted so long for was because we were best friends for 3 years before that and also because he was genuinely a descent human being with a beautiful heart. We also had some great times together and a really deep connection and a bond, but I’ve learned none of that is enough if your underlying values in life aren’t aligned and if you are both aren’t working on yourselves as individuals. No relationship can thrive if the individuals haven’t gone the hard yards on their own to deal with their personal issues first and understand who they are and what their boundaries are.

Also, it took me awhile to really understand what love is and to unlearn so many things that I had learned about it growing up watching it in movies and reading it in books. Being the poetic person that I am, I got drawn to the love that I saw on the screen, in cartoons and read in stories because my creative side was being engaged. But I confused that with what real love is and I now understand that it’s important to define this in your own space and as an individual because it can vary for people, particularly across cultures. In addition, I’ve come to learn that love is not sufficient for a long lasting relationship and that being in a long term relationship takes effortless effort; by that I mean, you have to work on it every day but you take joy in working on it and it helps you grow into a better space spiritually, emotionally and psychologically.

There are many more lessons that I’ve learned about what love is and what relationships are meant to be like from the really poor experiences I’ve had but I will write about that another time. In this blog, I want to focus on the unlearning that I have to undertake as a result of the toxic relationships I’ve had in the past. You see, my current partner and I have both been in the war-zones of relationships and have had our own share of abuse, trauma and bad experiences. So we both have a better understanding of what we don’t want and how we don’t want to show up.

This relationship is the first healthy relationship I’ve had in my life but that doesn’t mean it’s been easy. In fact, it has been a lot of work and very difficult challenges but what makes it healthy is that we don’t get aggressive, we don’t get abusive and we maintain the respect that is needed for each other. We still disagree, we still disappoint and upset each other and we definitely have moments where we aren’t sure about whether or not we are compatible but the reality of every healthy relationship is that it will never be perfect. It just needs to be right and it needs to be good for you in the sense that it brings you joy growth.

My current relationship has held a mirror up for me to see all the behaviours I’ve picked up over the years that are both unhealthy and out dated which I want to shed. It has given me the space to explore who I want to be and how I want to grow. I’ve come to realise that a good relationship is about truly believing that the person across from you is worth your time, energy and efforts because they are the type of person you respect, trust and value. Expecting them to make you happy, heal you or to somehow fix you will only leave you disappointed and frustrated – which in turn will turn the relationship into a toxic environment. An analogy that I like to think of is that a flower blooms because it gets water, sun and earth but the blooming process is within the control of the flower. We are all the flowers and a healthy relationship is the sun, earth and the water that facilitates that process.

The below poem has been inspired by my relationships and the journey I am on in this space. It has helped me heal a little bit more in this space and I’m really proud of it so I hope that it resonates with anyone that may read it too.

Before I share it, I want to say to anyone that is in a toxic relationship, remember that love is meant to be joyful and beautiful and if you’re not in a space of joy and if you’re not being respected and treated with honour then it’s probably time to love yourself more than the one sitting across from you and find a healthier space where you can be cherished for the person you are. The hardest part is taking the first step, but afterwards you will be forever grateful to yourself for walking away from those who burn you. If you need help leaving the relationship, then seek it. There is no shame in needing help and there is no shame in going your separate from way from someone that no longer brings love and light into your life.

Shed:

I need to shed every thought that makes me doubt if this is right or wrong

Every expectation that is measuring the standard of our love

I need to shed the this and that which I need to do

The eyeliner, the mask, the clothes that I wear for you

I need to shed the thought that I’m not enough

This constant itch that tells me I need to fight for us

I need to shed the feelings of worry and “what if”

The parts of me that have been taught that a man always wins

I need to shed the stories I’ve been told, about what you need, who you are and what I hold

I need to shed the fear that I will be hurt, like it’s a given that this won’t work

I need to shed all the narratives and conditioning of the world I’m in,

Until then I won’t see him for him

He is not the one that said I’m not good enough,

He is not the one who made me fight for love,

He never treated me poorly or unfair

He never said anything unkind or which implied compare

He too has stepped into the space of risk

Bearing his heart in his hands for me to kiss

He too has his own doubts and fears

Does she love me or will our end be near?

He like I knows the pain of loss,

When someone you love turns you to dust,

But he is not here to play the game

He just wants someone to call his name

With kindness, love and loyalty,

Someone that will treat him like royalty

A man and a woman both face equal risk

In the vulnerable space of being whisked

I need to shed the idea that I’m the victim,

As though I have no will or wisdom,

I need to shed these childish views,

They no longer serve me in this dual

So I shed all the pain and the fear

As I look at him and say thank you for saving me my dear

 

Love Always,

Miss Dreamer