Everything in any way beautiful has its beauty of itself, inherent and self-sufficient; praise is no part of it. At any rate, praise does not make anything better or worse. This applies even to the popular conception of beauty, as in material things or works of art. So does the truly beautiful need anything beyond itself? No more than law, no more than truth, no more than kindness or integrity. Which of these things derives its beauty from praise, or withers under criticism? Does an emerald lose its quality if it is not praised? And what of gold, ivory, purple, a lyre, a dagger, a flower, a bush? – Marcus Aurelius
Read this quote a few times, so that it can sink in. Regain your power for you are beautiful, capable and successful even if you have never been praised or worse, if you have been told otherwise.
We have created a culture whereby we measure ourselves constantly, not only against ourselves but also against each other. What’s worse is that often the scale we use to make these measures are borrowed from the worldview of those around us. The expectations that have been set for us or the paths that have been paved for us to follow. But this is flawed and it ultimately results in individual destruction of hope, self compassion, self love and self worth. Somewhere a long the way, we start to believe that our self-worth is defined by the praise we’re given. It’s easy to see how praise can be both addictive and encouraging, particularly if your love language is that of words. But, reality is that somewhere along the line we picked up the wrong measure for self-worth and gave our power away to those around us.
Praise is the recognition we’ve become addicted to because often we have been told that we can’t praise ourselves or celebrate our own wins. Have you noticed that when given a compliment most people find it difficult to say thank you? Or worse, have you noticed that when people feel insecure they try to put others down? This all comes down to the belief that others are there to validate us through their praise.
This quote really helped me come back to my centre and re-examine my own beliefs which I had digested as the truths of life. Despite knowing better and always encouraging my friends and loved ones to see their own self worth and be proud of who they are, I’ve struggled to apply the same value to myself unless I’ve been praised. I seem to have confused praise with evidence of beauty. Praise is not the right measure for any type of physical, intellectual or creative value. If you hold praise as the measuring stick, then you’re prone to believing lies in the absence of praise. When you’re told that you are ugly long enough, you to believe it – particularly if you don’t fit into the social convention of beauty. When people constantly poison you with their abuse, you struggle to recognise their illness and start questioning your own self worth. Particularly when you’re growing up and trying to navigate through the world.
What we need to understand is that our internal voice is the only one that can make or break us. The control we give to others is something that we can regain through daily practice. When you go through enough trauma in your life, you start to realise that you’ve never had control over anything external to you. It’s all but an illusion that makes you feel comfortable, but the reality is that the only thing that you can truly control is your internal dialogue. This dialogue needs to be full of kindness, one that helps cultivate your inner beauty and bring out the light in you. I now realise, that the only praise and validation that will make me feel better is that of my own. The culture we have cultivated has brainwashed us to think otherwise. But it’s not the truth, please believe me when I say that we can all start rejecting this idea that we need to be validated and praised by others.
Don’t confuse a compliment with being praised, being praised means that we are waiting for others to celebrate us and help us feel better about ourselves but compliments are passing comments that are a gesture of appreciation and kindness by those around us.
It’s also not just about our physical appearance, though these days it feels like any corner we turn we find ourselves faced with so many unrealistic physical pressures that distract us from building our characters and own self-worth. I used to struggle with my self-worth at work because I wasn’t getting enough praise for my contributions. I was recognised for my high performance, but I wasn’t getting the praise that would make me feel like less of an imposter in my role. In fact, people made remarks that made me question my capabilities and value add. But I now recognise that I was the one that gave my power away, because I didn’t use to believe my own capabilities. I used to think that the remarks others used to make had more value than my own internal views of myself.
There is a fine line between constructive feedback and that of insecure feedback. Often times, even those who appear to be doing better than us in a work environment may feel insecure about themselves for whatever reason. So, intentionally or unintentionally, they tend to make remarks that helps lift them up and puts others down. But after having an incredible leader to guide me, I now recognise that the corporate world comes with some certain characteristics that can draw out insecurities in others. Don’t give into it, don’t let the environment define your self-worth or your capabilities. If you ever find yourself in a place where you’re not being celebrated, then you need to find a place where you will be. Because trust me when I say, it’s not you, it’s the company environment and culture you’re in.
Not all praise has to be bad, I guess it comes down to the balance we have within us around our self-worth and the worldview. Praise can come and go and if you’re strong in your beliefs then it shouldn’t cause damage. But if you find that you are reliant on it, then consider how you can change your inner voice so it’s kinder to you.
If I reflect back on my life so far, I can see that it could have been kinder and less traumatic – but I suppose those are also the experiences that have allowed me to shed so many untruths that are ultimately toxic. For that, I’m grateful and so I would like to think that by sharing my stories and experiences those who may feel the same can regain their empowerment and their freedom on their soul journey.
Take a moment to reflect on whether or not you are hungry for the praise from a partner, parents, siblings, boss, colleagues, friends or even strangers. If you are, then ask yourself is this praise going to bring you long term growth and joy or is it going to give you short lived satisfaction. If it is short term, then put your hand on you heart and whisper to your precious self that you are enough, that you have done really well and that you, yourself, recognise the beauty, the gift and the capability that you encompass. If others don’t give you the praise, it doesn’t diminish from the value. Take your power back, change your narrative to be self loving.
Love Always,
Miss Dreamer
Souloom™ 