2 years ago at this time exactly I had recently arrived in London and was unwell and at my new home in front of the TV watching Greys Anatomy. Despite feeling sick and being in a new country with so much uncertainty ahead of me, I felt at peace and was content.
I knew I had made the right choice for me, that I was exactly where I was supposed to be. I had some friends make comments about how unfortunate it is that I’ve gone to London and am so sick that I can’t go out. Yet it didn’t bother me, because I was still in London and I had overcome so many mental and emotional barriers to get there. So, did it really matter if I was on a couch at home or out and about?
Fast forward, here I am back in Sydney and at my parents apartment that has not yet been home for them for even a year. Experiencing a global pandemic, continuing the journey of healing for my mothers cancer, unable to see friends and family and most difficult of all, being away from my partner and the man I love.
Yet I know that despite all the pain, all the sadness, grief and change that this is exactly where I am meant to be. I’m too stubborn to accept this freely, because I am not ready for yet another transformation. For yet another challenge but how naive of me to think that life would pause for me to catch up. I mean this is the closes to a pause we will ever experience, a pandemic forcing us to step back and reflect and observe our way of life. But even under this circumstance life doesn’t give you time to rest, because in doing so you would die. That is death after all, once you stop transforming be it how big or small that transformation is, your need for life is no longer required and therefore you can transition into eternal consciousness through the gateway of death.
I have so many internal battles that I need to observe right now, but I was reminded last night by a guide that’s come into my life that I need to remove myself from my mind and into my body. It has been patiently awaiting my return for so long and yet I am too caught up in my thoughts to drop into it and listen to what it has to say.
Our ego is sophisticated and it’s deceiving, it will fool you into thinking you’re free but I don’t think we can ever be free of it. Even as I write this it is hard to tell how much of it is from my creative spirit, my guiding light and how much is my ego which has masked itself with ‘enlightenment’. Doesn’t matter thought, because the truth will only become apparent to us when we are ready to see it.
As I sit here writing this, I don’t know what is to unfold next. I don’t know if I will ever get back home to the UK and to may partner, the man I love. This uncertainty is rather debilitating but then I realise that this fear is grounded in lack of trust. Trust in timing, in purpose, in god and in myself. My guide told me last night that you have to trust in the absence of knowledge, for when you find the knowledge you don’t need to trust anymore because you know.
How profound is this statement. It made me pause and realise that knowing is the issue for me. I’m too impatient to wait for the answers to arrive when they’re meant to. I don’t want to not know because I’m curious. But also, knowing allows me to build the puzzle of my life. But I need to come back to my own soul journey. There is no knowing in a journey, particularly one that has no map. But I’m forcing myself to create a map, to use someone else’s map or to guess what the map will look like.
Why do I have this need to know? Must I know everything? How dull would that be. We can’t possibly know everything, but we can experience eternal knowing and perhaps that is all we are truly seeking.
Here, in this room I am sitting on the floor writing and letting myself just Be. I see the sunlight shining into the bedroom through the tiny window. All that is revealed to me is the blue sky and nothing else. It’s a blue canvas of nothingness yet an eternal space that I can never fully touch or grasp.
Here I am now wondering how the last 2 years passed by so quickly, I was so worried about losing it and worried about it being transient that I couldn’t be present in every moment that I cherished. I had a friend telling me stop counting down the days and just enjoy what you have now. I was too afraid to do so. I was too afraid to let myself be happy and to enjoy it because I knew that one day I would have to say goodbye and so I only allowed myself to be present most of the time but not all of the time.
Oh what a naive and fearful way of being. But in essence it’s what we do in all circumstance because we are human. If we could be present in every moment then we would never experience being human.
I am here now, I will work on being present where I can but also understand that where I can’t, it’s all for a purpose to help me transform on my soul journey. It’s time for another evolution and even though I think I’m not ready, the universe doesn’t seem to agree and I have to trust that God knows’ exactly what he/she is doing so therefore, I need to practice trust by letting it be.
I’m grateful for the past 2 years and I will take what I’ve learned to be here, now.
Love Always
Miss Dreamer
Souloom™ 