I think I need to go back home to the UK, what do you think? I think I would be better off here, what do you think? I don’t think I want to do corporate anymore, what do you think? I think I handled that situation well, what do you think? I think this is hard and it’s ok for me to rest, what do you think?
I have a really bad tendency on asking my loved ones to weigh in on my situation and decisions, even though deep down I often don’t agree with what they have to say because rarely if ever does anyone manage to give me a response that is the best solution for ME. So then why on earth do I do this to myself? I realise now, it’s because in an indirect way I am still seeking permission from those around me about how to think, do and be in life! OH MY GOD!! I am furious at myself for this way of thinking because frankly I know better than to go through life pleasing other people. BUT….pause…deep breath in… being kind to yourself is recognising your own reaction to your own downfalls. If I can’t even give myself permission to operate this way without getting furious, then it is unrealistic of me to expect that I can give myself permission to think and be without the input of others!
Let’s take a step back, what has led to this way of thinking and being? It could be the collective culture that I’ve been brought up in, it could be because I’m a female and as females we’ve only recently been given permission to think and operate independently from those around us, it could be because I’m the youngest so decisions have always been made for me, it could be because my family has a critical communication style – even though their intentions are never to question me, it could be that I have never seen those around me make independent decisions for themselves so I’ve never realised that I can do the same, it could be any range of factors. But this is where I find myself, in the space of seeking permission from those around me even though I almost always have the answer and end up doing what I had decided to do internally!
I’ve had friends in the past make comments like ‘why do you ask for my opinion if you’re going to do what you’re going to do any way? You have already made your mind up’, my response would be ‘because I’m testing my thinking’ but I think I now realise that I’m not testing my thinking, most the time I’m putting myself through a sick cycle of seeking approval from others but also at the same time inherently I am too stubborn and too independent by nature to allow others to make decisions for me. It’s weird but it’s how I am.
We all have parts of ourselves that we have been trained into becoming and parts of ourselves that we were always meant to be. There is always an inner battle between these two versions of ourselves, but we don’t always observe this battle as a cry for growth and transformation. Instead, it manifests itself in various ways such as lack of confidence, frustration, stubbornness, stress, worry, sadness etc. When we don’t know who we truly are and try to be who we have been designed to be, it can be hard to find joy and peace within us. This design isn’t always something that was deliberately manufactured to harm us, though be it that societal stereotypes have been created to limit us into a mould that will benefit our social constructs. But ultimately, our family, friends and partners aren’t trying to harm us by setting expectations upon us, they’re trying to comfort themselves through expecting healing through us. But this cycle doesn’t help anyone heal their wounds or nurture their being. It just ends up turning into a vicious cycle of people pleasing, disappointment and unmet expectations.
Being in self-isolation because of CV19 has made me realise that I have so many unhelpful thoughts throughout the day, I also respond to these thoughts and feelings in unhelpful ways. Then I feel lower and more defeated because this cycle seems more like a web that is too complex to redesign and reconfigure. But maybe the decisions we have to make don’t have to be conclusive, maybe it’s not about changing completely rather than observing fully. Maybe it’s about recognising the patterns we have and then just sitting in this space until you can figure out how to untangle the next piece?
Like right now, all I need to focus on is that I don’t have to seek permission from anyone so therefore, maybe I need to take small steps towards trusting my own decision making process and then informing those around me what those decisions are. Gosh, even typing this is making me feel all uncomfortable and anxious! But that’s a good thing, staying in that space will ultimately lead to my healing and I know this from past experiences.
I have the tendency to unpack myself a lot and this may not be the way others choose to live their lives and that is completely ok. But this unpacking for me is the journey I was meant to take as part of my own personal life. On this journey, I have come across others who are a few steps ahead and I use their stories, lessons and reminders as guidelines and tools to help me navigate all of this. One thing that we all have come to realise is that this unpacking doesn’t have a final destination, it’s not about reaching an end point and then patting yourself on the back for getting there; it’s about recognising that everyday you have to unpack again and sometimes you’re unpacking things you had unpacked years ago or even yesterday, but that today it needs some more nurturing, observation and healing. This journey can only be fulfilling if you’re willing to observe and experience it instead of control and change it. For me, recognising that I seek permission from others won’t completely change me, this insight or light bulb moment will probably only allow me to take baby steps in future interactions, decisions and intersections of my life. But realising it is the key part and so now begins the journey of sitting with it, testing it, understanding it and maybe one day being free from it, if that’s what’s meant to happen.
Inhale freedom, exhale letting go.
We don’t need to seek permission from anyone, the less we seek permission the more space we create for allowing ourselves to trust ourselves. We know the answers to our questions, we have an intuition deep within us that is knocking on our consciousness waiting to be heard. Give yourself the permission to make decisions for yourself, give yourself the permission to trust yourself even if you make mistakes or ‘fail’. Give yourself the permission to narrate and create your life the way you want it to be and trust that whatever you design is holy and that it doesn’t have to be perfect to be right. Heal yourself from the perception that those around you have to validate you and give you the tick of approval, because no matter who they are, they are not you!
We need to give ourselves the permission to BE and also extend this same permission to others. No doubt we each play a role in someone else’s life whereby we are validating their decisions and permitting them to BE, or perhaps not permitting them to be as we set expectations upon them, criticise them or judge them for their decisions. Let’s give ourselves and others the permission to be authentic and true to ourselves and in doing so let’s understand that we all have our own unique journey that needs to be honoured, not validated.
I hope you give yourself permission to feel and be whatever you need to today.
Love Always
Miss Dreamer
Souloom™ 