Today is a hard day, for no reason in particular other than it is just harder than it was yesterday. This is the ebb and flow of life, consistency is not a given and in fact would be a bore. But reacting to what is, is also not going to serve us with anything positive. Today is harder, can be a fact and not a forever conclusion that somehow needs to be overanalysed, over-felt and over-experienced. So, today I will be kinder, softer and gentler with myself, today I will be a better host for whatever feeling that needs to arise.
I will be conscious that I may be agitated easily and will likely project my frustrations outwards to my loved ones; but I will put in all efforts to stay observant instead of influenced. I may succeed or I may not, it doesn’t really matter. Just recognising where my baseline is today, is already a sign of tenderness that I need.
Today I miss my partner, I miss my home and I miss having my healthy family. I miss myself too, the part of me that wasn’t always trying so hard to find balance, the version of me that was oblivious about what the future held. But that’s because I’m tired today and I’m feeling the heaviness of it all. I am used to let my feelings overwhelm me on days like this, but this time I’m going to try and focus on my breath when I feel like I want to flee. I’m going to try and practice gratitude when I feel like dwelling in the question of why me?
Missing someone is hard, being stranded away from your home feels exhausting, seeing your family members fight for their lives is the heaviest of all. But this too shall pass, it always does, these moments they come and go, these experiences are all part of the journey and they are what they are. In the jungle gym of life, sometimes we feel like playing and other times we want to sit and rest, there needs to be no judgement in either form, just presence.
I also need to release a self-judgement of mine, I was writing another blog right before this one, then I realised that I was writing from the head and not the heart. I recognise it based on my tone, when it becomes preachy it is not being driven by my creative flow, rather by righteous ego that is masked behind a veil of humbleness. I have an inherent desire to serve, I want to help others where I can and how I can. But I have to remind myself that you can only serve those who are seeking it, I know this from first hand experience where others have tried to serve me and I’ve not been open to healing, so I didn’t care for what they had to offer. I don’t want to preach, that is not the type of gift I want to leave in the world. I simply want to write because it’s healing. It is the manifestation of all my creativity and flow. It is the gift that was given to me and the one that I wish to share for anyone that comes across it and feels drawn to it. If you’re reading this on a heavy and hard day of your own, I hope that you’re being gentle and kind with yourself.
I know things can be difficult and sometimes just plain shit, but nothing is ever permanent. Never has a single breath been more precious than what it is right now. With thousands of people around the world struggling for a breath of air, any time we can take one without the help of a ventilator, is a gift and a moment of gratitude that we have been blessed with, think about the countless number of breaths you take throughout the day, see how many moments of bliss you have been gifted? In the middle of the shit-storm, there is a tiny little refuge, take it, take that breath and feel the value it has. A reminder that this is all that matters and as we inhale and exhale, I hope we remember those who need help with their next breath and send them a prayer, a hope and wish that it becomes easier for them, one again.
Today is a hard day, but hard days are still good days, it is another day. Welcome to this life of being human, welcome to being. As Rainer Maria Rilke said:
Go to the Limits of Your Longing, let everything happen to you: beauty and terror. Just keep going. No feeling is final.
Love Always,
Miss Dreamer
Souloom™ 