In a couple of weeks time I will be turning 30! Firstly, I believe that age is just a number and that it’s not a linear experience, no matter how much we try to enforce it socially. Internally, I often feel like an 8 year old, a young teenager and my 55 year old self that have somehow come together in one place. For me, the age itself isn’t a factor, it’s the transition from one decade to another that is a good trigger for reflection.
I have to say, that my 20s have been rough and unpleasant in many ways. They have pushed me to the edge more than they have made me high, they have made me question myself to the core, fall short, feel inadequate, alone, depressed, rejected and all sorts of feelings in between. They have made me mourn so much loss, both metaphorically and literally. They have confronted me with so many of my fears and they have made me want to give up, made me bitter, resentful, pessimistic, lack trust and so forth. They have made me feel all sorts of uncomfortable feelings but they’ve also managed to teach me some really valuable lessons, which in hindsight I appreciate because I now realise that they’ve really just prepared me for the real world which is rich and broad in experience. Where the good and the bad are a mix and the only way you can make the most of it, is if you understand that you will never find a point in time where it will all be good – or all bad.
In saying that, my 20s’ were also an exploration, where I got to paint the canvas of my life and being, to see what colours I like and don’t like. Where I got to meet the friends that have healed me and strangers that have inspired me. I’ve got to explore different dimensions of myself and realise that there is so much more exploring to do. I’ve made great memories and indulged in experiences that though may seem ‘basic’ in a developed country, they are luxuries for most of the worlds population. I have been able to get educated, to find my path and find my home. They’ve been rough, but they’ve also been beautiful.
The other day, I had a realisation that made me giggle. As I was talking to my younger cousin, who is only 20, I realised that the reason behind my 20s feeling so hard and unpleasant wasn’t down to external circumstance alone, but mainly because no one had given me the heads up that the transition from ‘childhood’ into ‘adulthood’ is more than just passing the legal age, being given a licence to drive and the approval to drink. That getting a job, finding financial independence and being responsible for keeping yourself alive, are just the superficial components of adulting.
Adulting, is when your spectrum of life experiences widens, where you come across all the challenges, milestones, betrayals, growth and change unarmored because your parents aren’t there to shield you anymore. It is when you have to figure everything out yourself, but most importantly, it’s when you have to learn how to deal with the beliefs, narratives and ideals that you had been brought up with, in a world that is diverse, forceful and often unforgiving. It’s like a laboratory where you have to test everything you’ve been taught to find out if it’s what you want to keep or if it’s what you want to shed. There is so much trial and error, so much self-doubt and so much ‘I have no fucking clue what I’m doing’ moments, that it can be disappointing and paralysing at times.
But at the end of the decade you look back and you realise that this whole time, you were just mastering how to be an adult and that is why it was so hard. That all the self-doubt, all the worry, all the ‘the world is shit and my life sucks’ moments, were the child in you throwing a hissy fit because it didn’t know how to self-sooth, regulate her emotions, take care of all herself (body, soul and mind) and not to run away from hard and painful things. Malcolm Gladwell mentions in his book the ‘Outliers’ that it takes 10,000 hours of deliberate practice to become an expert in something. He mentions that 10,000 hours roughly equates to 10 years, because during the 10 year period we have to sleep and do other things; so we’re only part-time students of the ‘how to adult’ lectures of life. I don’t think one can ever become a true expert at life, because life is full of change and transformation and you can’t master something that is ever changing. For example, you can only become a master pianist because the rules around notes and music doesn’t change, so whilst there will always be new variations for you to learn and play, the basics are pretty much set in stone.
Life isn’t that back and white, life is full of grey areas and it requires you to get to know yourself as a human being, which is the most complex and sophisticated form of being in existence. So, our whole lives are going to require a lot of deliberate effort for us to become masters of life. But you can become an expert in adulting, through vigorous practice. I know there is still a lot about adulting that I’ve not explored in my 20s and that my 30s will involve a lot more learning about how to become a true adult. But, I also know that the major transitions have happened and hopefully I will be somewhat prepared for what is ahead as opposed to completely shocked with why everything is so hard. It’s hard, because it’s meant to be, not because I’m no good at it.
In honour of changing the chapter, I want to reflect on the top 30 lessons that I’ve learned so that I can read back on them in a few years time and both laugh at how naive I was for thinking I had grown up, but also to take pride in my younger version who has put up with so much shit to get me here. She’s been through a lot and that has to be celebrated.
- You have been lied to by the world about who you are, who you can be and what is possible. Don’t believe the lies, believe yourself – the deep rooted wisdom that has patiently been waiting for you to honour her.
- Trusting yourself is so important, there will be so many people who will make you doubt yourself, including those you trust the most, but ignore them and instead, find ways to trust yourself more.
- Boundaries are necessary! Find out what your’s are, be curious about what helps you thrive and understand what makes you sink, then create a fence around your garden so that you get to be the one who decides the conditions of what will flourish your garden.
- We all belong somewhere, if you feel like you don’t belong it’s because you haven’t found your tribe yet; they’re out there, so never stop searching
- The most powerful gift you can give yourself, is authenticity and alignment with your own inner truth. In a world where everyone is trying so hard to be something they’re not, don’t feel pressured to change who you were meant to be.
- Validation doesn’t work, it’s a temporary solution for a very deep rooted issue around self-acceptance and self-trust. Just cause it feels good, doesn’t mean it heals you.
- Perfectionism is going to force it’s way into your being, it will always put you off trying out new things and limit what you do because it’s not there to build you up, it’s there to put you down. Fuck perfectionism, take comfort in knowing that no amount of failures will destroy you as much as your obsession with perfectionism will; so you may as well try.
- You don’t have to be friends with everyone, you don’t have to let everyone into your sacred space and energy field. Guard your energy and don’t rent out your thoughts and beliefs to those who are not aligned.
- Expectation is the root of all suffering, it’s subconscious and it is something you will have to continuously challenge until the day you die. Don’t ever reduce the value of others because they don’t meet your expectations.
- All the love, peace, joy and bliss you need is deep within your soul and centre, you can tap into it through practice but be warned that the shiny things in the world will also distract you. Find a balance between the world and in your spirit. It doesn’t have to be either or.
- Be fluid enough to change and adapt to whatever life throws at you, the illusion that you can maintain any type of consistency in life is going to cause you pain if you don’t understand that you need to be like water not like oil.
- Don’t judge others and especially yourself, the less you judge yourself the less you judge others too. We are human, we’re prone to mistakes and doing weird unexplainable and sometimes stupid things, no judgement just observations.
- Life is complex, you’re complex, be human is complex. Just be open to all sorts of learning, re-learning and unlearning. Don’t draw conclusions, you’re not a scientist you’re a seeker.
- Taking care of others and neglecting yourself is not honourable, being a martyr is not the trade you need to make in order to be loved. Taking care of yourself is always the number one priority, anyone who makes you feel ashamed or guilty about taking care of yourself, doesn’t yet know that it’s not sustainable to always take care of others.
- Being sensitive and feeling deeply is not a flaw or a downfall, it’s a mother-fucking gift. Don’t be afraid of it, don’t be ashamed of it, don’t try to hide it. Embrace it, it’s where you can source your kindness from.
- Do what brings you inner joy, not what pleases others and or what has been forced upon you.
- Be patient with yourself as you navigate through the storms, waves, tornados, hurricanes, rainfalls, droughts, hail, fire, avalanches and the tsunamis’ of life. The sun never goes away, these are all just part of the natural orders of things, trust that you will get through them because you have all the tools you need in your inner wisdom.
- Let go, let go, let go, let go, let go, let go, let go. Control, is an illusion, a cage that you’re in, which you’re not even aware of. Let go.
- Nothing is permanent, which sometimes sucks. But remembering that ‘this too shall pass’, whether during the good, the bad and the in between is a good way of being present for life.
- Trust yourself and your intuition, everyone will have opinions and advice around what you ‘should’ or ‘shouldn’t’ do. There is no such thing as should in life, you will realise this the more you shed your expectations.
- Hard moments of our lives, are still the moments of OUR lives. As hard as it is, sitting through the pain and the uncomfortable feelings, will ultimately lead you to healing. Cry those tears, express those feelings. It’s a process, so let it happen.
- Don’t explain or justify yourself to anyone, including yourself! Justification is a form of permission seeking, you’re an adult and you don’t have to seek permission for your life.
- Forgive yourself for the mistakes and for letting yourself go through hard lessons that could have been avoided based on your new found wisdom and knowledge. It’s easy to judge yourself now that you’ve grown through the experience. At the time, you did the best that you could, so always say thank you to your younger self for trying her best.
- Being kind is the single most important attribute anyone can have, shed all else, be kind to yourself, to others and to every living and breathing creature. Kindness, is where god lives. It’s where you have come from.
- Relationships serve as our mirrors in life, not as transactions. They’re there to hold up a mirror and reflect back to us, the parts of us that need more attention and love from US, not others.
- Meditate, that shit does work. Forget about mastering it just do it, even if it’s flawed, even if you think it doesn’t work – IT DOES, eventually.
- Learn to say sorry when you’re in the wrong. Also, forgive others for being human – even if they’ve not yet learned to say ‘I’m sorry’.
- Hold space for others, you can’t take anyone else’s pain away and you can’t solve their problems for them. It’s not about fixing, it’s about harbouring. Hold space by being there, even if you don’t know what to do, or what to say, just be there. Don’t run, don’t fix, don’t hide. Just be there.
- ‘Healing is not linear’ – like most things in life, I suppose that’s what keeps it interesting. You’re not doing anything wrong, you’re just going through the complex motions of life. Allow yourself to heal every time.
- ‘Everything you want is on the other side of fear’ – fear is the ultimate robber of all things beautiful. It will make you believe that you don’t deserve more, that you’re unsafe, that you’re unloved, that you can’t be happy, that you can’t have more, that you’re not worth it etc. Fear, is not the same as pain. Pain is healing, fear is deceiving. See beyond the fog of fear that clouds your judgement and go back to trusting yourself.
More To Be Observed (TBO) – there is no secret to adulting and life, each one of us has a unique journey. I hope that you are present for yours and that you find healing and love on your path. Be kind to yourself.
Love Always,
M
Souloom™ 