Relationships are hard work. What does that mean?
I’m trying to make sense of this myself and slowly trying to unravel the mysteries of how two people come together and flow in a harmonious way. My current observation is that the hard work that is referred to, is like gardening.
I suck at gardening! I have killed all the plants I’ve ever owned – even cacti. Yes, I have killed one of the most resilient plants on earth! Ironically, not through neglect, but through over caring. I watered the crap out of the cacti and they basically drowned to death. I learned that there is such a thing as over-caring and over-loving. That you need to know what the plant needs not what you assume it needs. My experience with gardening is so bad that I eventually defined myself as someone who simply sucks at it, someone who can’t become good at it.
Very similar mentality that I used to apply to a lot of things that I wasn’t and am not good at in my life. But this is unfair and unhelpful, it’s the narrative my perfectionistic ego feeds me to deter me from trying. Because once I was fair with myself, I took a step back and reflected on all the circumstances that led to the death of these plants and realised that they always died because I had no clue what I had to do. I didn’t know how to nurture them, I just knew they need sun and water. Kind of like relationships, where we are not taught what to do, but have a general idea of what we need to do from what we have observed, read or been told. In any relationship you can have the best intentions and so many dreams, but if you’re not equipped to nurture the gardens and the seeds you are given, then it won’t flourish.
If I don’t know what to do, then I can’t judge myself for my mistakes, instead I need to channel that disappointment into motivation to learn more. About 15 months ago I was at the flower markets in London and I saw the cutest little cactus that had a small purple flower. When I saw it, I thought I’m going to give it another go and this time I won’t kill it. I bought the little cactus and sure enough after a few weeks I totally forgot about it and started neglecting it. This time I didn’t want to over do it, so I severely under did it! One day I realised I hadn’t watered her in so long so I was going to throw her away as she looked really dry, but then I noticed the smallest little bud and thought that there might be some hope with her and that maybe she was more resilient than I thought. So I started watering her and sure enough she blossomed again. I’m happy to report that she is still alive!
Though I still have very limited experience with gardening, these little experiences have made me realise that there are so many valuable lessons that can be learnt from the interaction with nature. These lessons can really help us flourish not just our gardens but our relationships. When you are gardening you have to learn about patience, you have to understand what your plants need and work to help them grow, otherwise, no matter how good your intentions are, they won’t flourish. It’s understanding that there is a skill to it and that you won’t always be able to pick the skill up without trials and errors and big mistakes. It teaches you resilience and makes you present and that is so valuable.
Another important lesson that I’ve taken away is that of self-forgiveness and letting go of self-judgement. Defining myself and my capabilities based on a couple of experiences that were not well researched is not going to help me grow and it will not help me expand. It will create limiting beliefs about my self-worth that are simply not true; another commonality with relationships! We often take the outcome of relationships to define our self-worth but we don’t know that we need skills and expertise to flourish relationships. So when they don’t blossom, we judge ourselves or our partners as ‘not enough’.
I’ve decided that I want to become more open to gardening and interacting with nature, I think it will give me a lot of insights about who I am and how I can expand on the various aspects of my life. Baby steps though, the first thing to do is to start interacting more with nature so that I can learn more about her.
Love Always,
M
Souloom™ 