The crackling sound of the fire wood, the cold breeze of the snowy sky coming through the windowsills, hot chocolates and candle light, being present with you in my mind. I imagine such days that we can create, together once we are over this period of dismay.
Like so many others, I’ve been separated from my partner because of the pandemic. There is 16,983 kms between us at the moment and the hourglass is frozen, with no indication of when we will be able to reunite. When I listen to music, I try to imagine and paint memories that I would like to create in the future with him. I have to find ways to hold onto hope. Our circumstance is not just influenced by the pandemic but by various different factors, to a large degree it is out of my control so I need to find ways to help myself manage the uncertainty that we are faced with.
It’s ironic that during the time that I need him the most, there is such a big distance between us. Though we are trying our best to navigate the new found circumstance as best we can, there is nothing like being able to reach out and hold the person that you love when you feel like your world is crumbling. But I know everything happens for a reason and I think the universe has designed this experience so that I can continue to heal some wounds that have been lingering on from the past on my own. I have to learn to self-sooth and to come back to myself when I find myself in circumstances that are less than ideal. I’ve been so used to others taking care of me that it’s become hard for me to stand on my own two feet and know that I can manage the wave of emotions that are going to hit the shore and the pain that is going to be lingering until I let the light in.
I’m getting much better with this as I get older, but there are still some teething issues that I’m addressing as the days pass by. I’m angry about it, I’m frustrated and I am not happy about the difficulty of the task in front of me. But, after sitting with anger, frustration and injustice for a while you realise that they drain you and ultimately you can’t move forward and remove yourself from the discomfort because you are giving it more power than it deserves.
I have waves of fear and anxiety that wash over me, sometimes I can’t imagine how we will get out of this situation and when I will be able to reunite with him. Sometimes I even wonder if we will end up together. I then remind myself that my brain has been conditioned into catastrophising, it’s what it does to empower my ego and dominate my soul. So, I gently observe these feelings and remind myself with kindness that they’re only going to make me feel worse, therefore, they’re not welcome. Instead, I try to picture a future where I can make memories that I like. Like sitting by a fireplace, in the snowy mountains with some hot chocolate.
You have to allow yourself to hope, if you don’t, you will drown under the pressure and pain. No matter how hard it gets, try to find ways to create a future that is healing and joyful. Dare to dream, give yourself the permission to think about beautiful things and never deny yourself of joyful experiences because of your current circumstance.
Fear is deceitful, don’t believe the lies.
Pain is uncomfortable, but he’s there to give you a piece of the puzzle you need.
You, you are made out of love. Remember that.
Love Always,
M
Souloom™ 