How do I know me and what do I know about myself? I’ve come to establish a general understanding of what I like and don’t like, who I am and who I’m not. But where did all this get shaped? When you realise that so much of who you are is based on what you have been exposed to and where you come from, you realise that so much of you is formed on the design of other people’s being. Whatever our parents were like, our culture taught, our backgrounds and environments exposed us to, is what has shaped us into the people that we are today. There is the argument of nature vs. nurture of course and I am over simplifying the process as a whole. But, if I was born into a different family in the same culture I would be different, if I was born into a different culture same family I would be different, if I went to a different school or made different friends I would again be different to who I have become today; to a large degree.
So, then the question for me is how much of what I have observed and absorbed has served me and how much of it has shaped me into a person that I wouldn’t willingly choose to be? I think this is where the balance between the mind, body and soul can help guide you in life. Because if you have learned a belief that ultimately makes you anxious, then perhaps that is your body’s sophisticated way of guiding you towards re-evaluating your beliefs so that you can seek better alignment with who you were born to be, without the influence of the outside world.
I was trying to interpret my understanding behind a few words today, such as pleasure, intimacy, love, fitness, nature etc. and it suddenly dawned on me, that there is a lot about my identity that I don’t know because I’ve always held an outside in perspective to my existence. That is, being from a collective culture my view of myself is based on that of the external world, the feedback it gives me and the role I play in it. But actually, I don’t know that much about myself because I’ve also been really sheltered from diversity and discomfort. I tried listing the things that I enjoy and it was a difficult exercise because I really had to think about what it is that I enjoy myself, because they simply bring me joy and not because it’s what my family enjoys, what I’m used to, what I’ve always done with friends etc.
I realised that there is a lot that I’ve not explored and or been exposed to and therefore, I don’t really know the answer to that question in full depth. I only know it based on past limited experiences and not as a result of my curiosity driving me. For example, when I moved to the UK a couple of years ago I did so without being aware of how important freedom and independence were to me as values. I learned that I enjoyed being in charge of my time and how I spent it. That I enjoyed having the choice of doing what I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it, how I wanted to do it and who I wanted to do it with. It gave me a sense of freedom that I’ve not really experienced living with and around my family.
In lockdown I’ve learned that I enjoy creativity and allowing my sensitive side to come out to the surface more than I realised. Despite recognising this discovery I still don’t know how I can manifest it more so that I can immerse myself in things that I enjoy the most. I want to explore the various facets of me so that I can determine who I am by design and not by chance and circumstance.
I have a gut feelings that the things I personally enjoy are very different to what I perceive myself to enjoy. That there are a lot of things out there that I haven’t yet tried, heard about and or even considered, but that perhaps would bring satisfaction for me.
I want to be more curious, more sensitive and more deliberate about getting to know myself and how I show up in the world. Like always, I want to shed what I’ve learned so that I can learn things in a way that bring me more joy and peace, instead of fear and worry.
We all have a choice to review our own beliefs, thoughts and feelings. We all have the ability to be the person that helps lift us out of where we are into a place that we would like to be. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it.
Who are you, really?
Love Always,
M
Souloom™ 