Harmony..

What is it that I’m searching for? Some days even I don’t know!

I think that in the process of trying to find a way forward, I’m transitioning from worried  thinking, to curious thinking. But, I need to be careful with this transition because regardless of whether you look positively or negatively upon your future, you’re still at the mercy of losing the present and being too focused on something that has not yet arrived.

This is why yoga and meditation are such helpful tools, because they enable me to tap into the present moment, even if it is only for a few microseconds. Being present is such an important and key aspect of truly living a rich and joyful life. But being present is really hard when your brain is competing against itself with a million thoughts and questions. Add the power of creativity and imagination and you can write, act and direct a horror movie or a rom-com of your own life within your own mind.

Some days I feel really impatient with the various dimensions of myself. They contradict each other and it’s confusing for me because there are parts of me that just want to let go and focus in on what is in front of me. Where I can practice and hold creativity, present curiosity and awe for every moment that unfolds. Then there are parts of me that are eager to make things happen, not just now, but well into the future. When these parts of me come to the surface, I become consumed with planning, thinking, uncovering, interpreting, analysing and controlling.

I sometimes wonder if everyone has these inner battles with the various dimensions they have in them. Or if my upbringing and the constant back and forth movement between two radically different countries and cultures has resulted in a very confused and clashing identity being shaped. I love all the various parts of me, that much I know. There is no one side of me that I prefer to the other. But I have to say, I don’t yet know how to harmonise them in a way that brings me peace and comfort.

There is a quote by Rumi that helps me find calm when I feel torn and confused as to how to bring my various dimensions together. It goes like this:

On this path, let the HEART be your guide.

This is such a powerful quote, one full of wisdom and centre. So, as much as my mind would like to hijack every moment of my life with ideas, questions, answers, planning, testing, searching and doing, I need to create a space where my heart could just BE, so that I can sense the guidance that it is giving me. My intuition is only something that I’ve become aware over the past couple of years and though I don’t yet know how to tap into it, listen to it and trust it, I have become curious enough to want to connect with it.

Perhaps when this connection occurs, there will be more harmony amongst the various parts of me. Perhaps when I bring both my scientific enquiries to the table and mesh them with my intuitive wisdom, I can truly spread my wings and fly.

I guess time will tell, until then I need to find ways to remain patient and kind.

Love Always,

M