I always thought I needed others to take care of me, that when life got hard I would need someone to pick me up and give me the strength I needed to go on. But when I look back on the trajectory of my life, I realise that the person who always lifted me up and got me through was actually me. This isn’t discounting my dear friends and family who tried their best at any time. Instead, this is just realising that I had the dynamic wrong in these interactions. I saw them as the source of my survival and myself as the one that needed them to get through, but actually, it was me who was able to digest all the hardships and conquer them, they were just the guides on the path.
Somewhere down the track, I got hurt through the disappointment I felt when those that I needed the most weren’t able to give me what I needed. So I started withdrawing from the external and discovering the internal resources. This has been a really painful journey, but it was the one that helped me realise my own courage, power, strength and perseverance. It did also make me get far too guarded, to the point that seeking help became harder because I just didn’t want to be disappointed anymore. Recently though, I recognise that it’s the perspective I used to adopt as a younger version of myself that was causing the pain. I was expecting others to help remove the pain, I was reliant on them for the soothing. But now, I realise that I don’t need others, rather I want them to support me. Though the difference is subtle, it is the difference between empowerment and helplessness. I know now, that I’ve been the person that has been there for me always, no matter what. That when I’ve been alone with myself and my shadow, it was me who directed me off the ground and into the light. I’ve been fortunate enough to have had support on the way, but I’ve also had many relationship dynamics change. I feel like perhaps this is part of the process of growing up!
I love my friends, I’ve been able to find special individuals who may not always know what I need exactly, but still show up the best they can and I admire and respect them for that. They’ve been my teachers, my healers, my cheerleaders and my truth-tellers. When you realise that you have all that you need within you, you can enjoy the relationships you form with others in a more pure and unconditional way. Suddenly, disappointment and pain are removed from you vocabulary and instead, gratitude and acceptance start shaping your story. You realise that we all have a best friend in ourselves that’s dying to make friends with us, but we’re too scared of facing the painful truths that first need to be healed to reach her/him.
The hardest part of this journey is with family. Our families are where most of our needs are meant to be met, particularly as children. But, this may not always be the case for everyone. So what do you do when you feel that your needs haven’t been met? That’s a question that I’m still exploring. I’ve come far enough to understand that my family are made up of humans too, humans who are flawed in their perfection, that are kind but who have caused hurt that was unintentional. Our families are a harder dynamic to manage, but they’re the ones that deserve our love and mercy the most. The ones that have brought us here and have influenced us and the way we are in the world. So, in a way facing that dynamic is facing yourself in the most raw and unfiltered way possible.
This is a journey that needs more experience, I’m still exploring it. In the meantime, I’m going to dive in deeper, to find the love and compassion that I know I have within me so that I can accept that and all its unintended consequences and start letting go of the ways it has come to define my present.
Find yourself, love yourself.
Love Always,
M
Souloom™ 