I went in search of peace and found that my thoughts are the ones holding me back from getting there. The amount of subtle yet critical thoughts that go through my head only become apparent to me during my morning yoga practice. This is the only time where I leave my mind and try to connect with my body. I’ve realised that my body has been neglected for so long, it’s been criticised, rejected, hurt, dismissed, disrespected, taken advantage of and punished. For years I’ve had to fight the cruel words, the nasty remarks and the disrespectful comments and acts. I’m proud of my resistance but I’m also sorry that I couldn’t have been wiser. But this thought that somehow I let myself down before, is false and is part of the problem. I only know better now as a result of all the lessons that I’ve learned. My younger self fought tooth and nail not to lose herself to the pressure of the world outside. To remain true to herself as much as she possibly knew how. Yes she’s got many battle scars, but she has survived!
I don’t really live in my body, I only notice it when there is some form of pain or when I’m doing yoga. My mind, is where I live and my mind is full of toxic thoughts that it has inhaled from years of exposure to other unhealthy minds. But I want to connect and learn about my body, the sophisticated shell that we all have a unique version of for ourselves. I want to tap into it, listen to its wisdom and trust it. I also really want to learn how to love it unconditionally. This morning during the yoga practice I had so many critical thoughts come to the surface, about how after 3 months of yoga I’m still struggling with some really basic poses. That I still feel really unfit and so I can’t help but put myself down for not doing better. These thoughts, are not inherently mine, but nevertheless these are the thoughts that have found their way into my mind and are trying to make a home there.
I refuse to be this unkind to myself, I’m never this unkind to anyone else so why should I be this way towards me? I stayed on the mat and just tried my best and kept going with the practice. I let go of expectation and by the end of it I made an effort to congratulate myself for trying. For not quitting despite the negative thoughts that were pushing me to do so. Afterwards, when I was making breakfast, I felt so sad that my poor body has to endure this bullying constantly – by myself! So, I stopped and thanked it and said I love you, I hear your pain – the memories that are stored in you from all the trauma and all the hurt from over the years, but when they surface, I want to love them not judge them.
As I whisper the words I love you to myself, there is a part of me that feels comforted and another part that feels like a liar. But we have to start somewhere and right now, saying these words is better than not saying them at all. Repetition is powerful, it really does help you alter your mind and perspective. That’s what rewiring the brain is all about, creating the new neural pathways that enable you to break free from old habits and behaviours.
Nothing will change, if something doesn’t, even faking it is a better starting point than surrendering to status quo. I know one day, eventually, when I whisper those words to myself, I will feel them whole heartedly with every single cell in my body. Until that day, I’m going to practice extending kindness towards myself and pay attention to the parts of me that deserve more.
What can you do to love yourself more?
Love Always,
M
Souloom™ 