What does it mean to care for others? I started really reflecting on this question this morning and I realised I don’t really know what the healthy response to that question would be. All my life I’ve been an over-carer, I’ve dropped all my own needs and wants so that I can care for friends and family. There is a sense of fulfilment that comes with that, until, there isn’t. One day you realise that you have over-extended yourself and it’s still not enough. It doesn’t make relationships stronger, it doesn’t make you feel any more loved, it doesn’t guarantee life long commitments or friendships, it doesn’t even leave you feeling fuller because somewhere in the process you completely emptied your own cup. So, there is such a thing as over-caring and over-doing. Which is why boundaries are so important.
Even if I’m not overtly caring for someone, I carry their worries for them as though they are my own. This takes energy and cognitive capacity away from all the various ways that I could take care of me. I need to remind myself that we’re all adults and we all have our own sacred journey’s that we need to pursue. That as part of these journey’s we’re not always required to jump in and save the day, rather, we are only required to remind others that they’re not alone.
I have a great capacity to love and care for those around me but I have learned over the past 3-4 years that if you don’t extend the same level of love and care towards yourself, you will ultimately become selfLESS, which for me is no goal or badge of honour. I want to be selfFULL and in the pursuit of this I have had to set some boundaries that has resulted in some friends and family being either disappointed or withdrawing. Perhaps I haven’t figured out the balance just yet, but I can’t live the rest of my life feeling drained. I want to feel full and nourished more often than I feel empty and depleted.
So, when I started reflecting on the question of what it means to care for others, I realised that I need to let go of the insecurity that my loved ones only love me because I give to them. I have this worry that by prioritising myself, I will lose the rich relationships that I’ve invested in around me. But I think this ultimately comes down to a self-worth question, where I can’t accept that I’m loved not because of what I do and give, but because of who I am. Sometimes it can be hard to accept that we are all loveable as we are, in our pure and raw forms. It’s probably because we either don’t love ourselves or we don’t give ourselves permission to love ourselves. When you can feel the love for those around you so much more than you feel the love towards yourself, it can be hard to remember that you too are worthy of the same level of affection.
Ironically, when I’m caring for those around me, the first thing I want to help them achieve is the self-love that they deserve. It’s as though I’ve made it my mission to help others attain this self-affection so that I too would have the permission to prioritise my own self-love. Self-love isn’t a fad by the way, it’s a life philosophy that needs to be understood deeply. It’s not just about taking care of our physical self, but also about valuing ourself in every circumstance. It’s about not doubting your self-worth and trusting that you are deserving of good things. It’s about not selling yourself short, speaking critically towards yourself, being unkind in your judgements about how you are or aren’t. It’s all about understanding that all of you is enough as it is and that no matter what others say or do, you are not defined by the external. It’s about looking at yourself in the mirror and being grateful for all of you, it’s about not feeling guilty or ashamed for not meeting others expectations of you, it’s about being your authentic self because you know that you are worthy just as you are.
I will always care for my friends and family, but I’m going to try and practice letting go of over-caring by paying more attention to how much time and energy I invest into their lives instead of my own. I’m going to remind myself that those who love me, will not disappear if I take time to tend to my own needs. That whomever comes and goes out of my life does so with purpose, love and valuable lessons. I no longer think that caring for others requires us to empty our own cup, instead, I think it’s about inviting others to the table so we can each drink from our own full cups and applaud each other for how hard we’ve worked to get ourselves there.
Love Always,
M
Souloom™ 