I feel crippled by procrastination, in my mind I’m busy doing so many things that I aspire to learn, become and do. Yet, I find myself unmotivated and engaging in habits that are taking me further and further away from the goals I would like to set, but don’t, because I know I won’t work towards them. I used to judge myself harshly the past few years for this cycle, I used to wonder how I could have so much ambition and yet so little drive. I also used to wonder what the f*^k happened, because I was really driven when I was younger, suddenly one day, procrastination became my best friend. But, it wasn’t until one of my sessions with my therapist that I realised that one of the symptoms of anxiety is procrastination, that the lack of clarity I have about what it is I want to pursue is because of a trauma brain that is healing; that the way that my body has been feeling are symptoms of a brain that is trying to get me to slow down and care for it.
Realising what is holding me back empowered me, because now I don’t judge myself as harshly. I am able to recognise the judgements and balance them out with a kind narrative instead. I understand that this is part of the process of healing and that one day my ambition and drive will balance out again. Until then, I need to push myself through the barriers as best that I can. For example, I know that today I’m feeling really unmotivated and therefore am not productive. But, I am emotionally charged meaning I can be my most creative and therefore, I can use this energy to replan my focus towards activities and tasks that need my creativity and not my decision making.
What’s more, I have additional tabs open in my head with mums treatment today, the pending outcome of job applications and the most influential of all, the time of my cycle where my hormones are sponsoring most of my emotions and behaviours. These are all factors that matter, these are all important considerations that tell a part of the story. So, I have a choice of either ignoring them and pretending that these shouldn’t weigh me down or recognising them for the weight they do have and pivoting my own expectations so that I don’t have to be so harsh on myself.
It’s hard when you have two competing parts within you holding you back and yet pushing you forward. It’s energy consuming and it’s difficult to navigate because your body and mind aren’t aligned. So I need to understand how I can get them to play together during times like this.
Pause. Breath.
Let go of all the pressure that comes with the challenges that are on your way and just find your way around the maze. You don’t have to find the centre immediately to make the experience worthwhile, so just keep going. That’s what I’m reminding myself.
Procrastination isn’t a sign of laziness, it’s a sign of your mind and body needing your attention because they’re misaligned. They’re not able to cooperate and so you need to intervene in a kind way. Perhaps it’s meditation, perhaps it’s a nap, perhaps it’s breaking down the tasks into very small chunks. Prayer, music, dance, walk, whatever you need to get yourself to let go of judgements and to put one foot in front of another knowing that you are killing it everyday, even if the efforts aren’t consistent, they’re not wasted.
Loving yourself requires you to recognise where and how you may need to shift your approach so that you can get through the challenges that are masking themselves in front of you each day. Reset your expectations so that you don’t feel the urge to punish yourself when you don’t meet the ones that are currently not achievable. Never forget that you got this.
Love Always,
M
Souloom™ 