A couple of days ago, I had this overwhelming feeling of losing touch with who I am. I felt a bit lost and confused, as though I didn’t know who I am and what I want. Feeling like you’re having an identity crisis is a really uncomfortable and unpleasant experience. It can shake you up completely, I’ve been down this path before when I was transitioning from teenage hood to adulthood. It took me years to discover who I was before but today when I was reflecting on this sense of confusion, I remembered that I’ve travelled down this path before and that I actually have a lot of skills and experience around this topic.
It got me thinking, why would I suddenly feel this way? It’s in this moment that I recognised that my loss of identity is a beautiful gift, as it is the outcome of all the progress I have made over the past few months, rewiring my beliefs, my behaviours, my perspective and the narratives that I apply to things. I’ve shed enough skin and enough ‘past’ to now feel new again. Of course, when you feel new you also feel vulnerable and slightly lost. But this isn’t a bad thing because you have the opportunity to discover the next version that you are evolving into. There is still a lot of work that needs to be done with shedding old beliefs, that job is not yet done. But now time is needed and so too is further scenarios for me to be tested in.
This self-evolution isn’t something that is new to me as I’ve been writing about it for awhile. But this time around it has taken a different tone to itself, one that makes me feel empowered and I think that has to do with all the experiences I’ve already had as well as the wisdom that comes with it. This time, I will try and maintain my awareness around the uncomfortable feelings and instead of judging them, observe them so that I can learn what they are showing me about myself. I am no longer afraid of changing into a different version of myself, because I don’t see it as a loss anymore. I see it as an opportunity to get to know the very complex, diverse parts of me that will flourish at different life stages. These changes are subtle and probably not noticeable to those around me, but to me they will change the way I experience my life.
When I refer to evolving into the next version of yourself, I’m not talking about superficial changes and or even drastic changes. I’m referring to the changes that are inevitable because you now know more, you have done more and have lived more so you are going to show up in a new way. I am referring to the changes that we all experience as our priorities change, as we experience new insights and as we go through this life journey getting to meet ourselves, over and over again.
I am going to work really hard on celebrating myself, even the parts that are not that shiny. Because we really don’t know how much time we have on this planet and if there is anything that the pandemic has shown us, we really can’t predict the future. So why not love yourself for who you are, as you are, whilst you still can? I don’t want to sit around for others to tell me how proud they are, how well I’ve done or that I finally belong. I don’t want to wait for the external recognition and celebration, because it may never come. But that doesn’t mean celebrating myself is any less valuable, if anything it is probably the end game as my past experiences have shown me that no matter how much validation you get from others, you’re always left craving for more.
I would like this next version of me to trust herself more than those around her, to know that she already knows what she wants and what she doesn’t want. Who she wants to be and doesn’t want to be, where she wants to go, what she wants to do and whom she wants to spend her precious time with. I need to shed this thought that those I love know what is best for me; they’re not walking in my shoes and they’re not feeling the details of the life that I’m living. This is true for all of us, yet we sometimes feel the urge to over love everyone we care for in order to ‘protect them’.
I know this next version will no doubt go through so many new and hard obstacles, that may sometimes feel impossible. But looking back, I have already been through so much trauma and I think what is important to remember is that our perspective plays a significant role in terms of how we respond to traumatic events. There needs to be a balance between feeling what we need to feel, accepting the circumstance for what they are and then looking forward to a future that is still beautiful and bright.
There is so much richness to life, so much trial and error. There is so much yet to be experienced and to be understood. Oh what a journey it is.
Love Always,
M
Souloom™ 