I find myself being afraid of the good things being real. I find myself falling into mental traps that I’ve worked so hard to overcome, but there is always new scenarios that trigger them. This is a lifelong journey, there’s no point in punishing yourself for not being able to let go of the things that you’ve battled many times before. Every time they show up in a new battlefield and each time you face them with more strength, wisdom and courage.
Today I found myself in a position of fear, the fear that comes with a change; the trigger for me was changing suburbs. I am looking at a place to move into and as a result I’m looking in areas that I’ve not lived in before. I have moved countries and yet I’m afraid of changing suburbs in Sydney!
This is my mind trying to tell me that there are other underlying reasons for my fear. I think the fear of change in general is what causes me anxiety. Intellectually I am not afraid of change, I like to think that I embrace it. But my subconscious has not been wired to perceive change as positively as I do consciously. To my subconscious, it is the red flag that signals all the past pain, loss, grief and challenges that I had to overcome. This is my brain seeking my compassion, love and patience.
I can continue to fear all the things that can go wrong as a result of this change. What if this is not the best decision, what if something bad happens, what if I can’t do it? All of these are questions that will keep showing up, until the day that I can love my subconscious into letting go of the past and embracing the future.
I read recently that being optimistic isn’t just about the way we perceive the future, but also how we explain the past. I have been guilty of explaining the past in a dark and painful manner, this is because until 2017, my relationship with pain was that of fear and avoidance. I was too scared to even acknowledge it, let alone feel it. I realise now that there is no avoiding pain, there is no running from it. You can keep distracting yourself, but it will keep knocking on your door until you sign for the package it is delivering to you.
This package is different for us all and it’s different at every point in our lives. But when you open it up, you realise that there is still some use to what you find inside. My explanation of my past has been that of punishment, good things not lasting and people leaving. I’ve always associated it with what has been lost and gone, instead of what has been found and gained.
I would like to embrace this next chapter, I don’t want to be afraid of what can go wrong, the worries have never been realised – so why do I even care about what they have to say? I want to look ahead believing and hoping that I will be able to notice the beauty, the wonder, the magic. I want to look at challenges with a sense of confidence and self-trust. I would like to choose better in the future, this doesn’t mean I will not make mistakes no doubt I will, but I need to rid myself of the judgement that is attached to these mistakes. These mistakes don’t suddenly wipe me of all my worth and value, they don’t define my capabilities and potential; they simply teach me and help me grow.
We are all wired to hate on ourselves, we are so unkind to ourselves and we try to be better but more often than not we can’t even recognise the extent of pain we inflict on ourselves. This is not an issue that is unique to me, this is a social issue that we all battle in one shape or form, at some point or another.
There are so many things that can go wrong, every single second of every single day. But there are a million things that are going perfectly well. So which one will you choose to focus on?
Love Always,
M
Souloom™ 