I have realised this year that I would like to be more connected to nature, but I also recognise that I need to take baby steps because I’ve been brought up in cotton wool! So camping in nature and immersing myself into it (particularly in the Australian outback) is way too extreme of a change for me. But a more realistic step was to get a plant or two and start learning about how I can take care properly, instead of over caring for them and killing them.
I don’t know much about plants and or gardening, so, I wanted to be conscious of my thinking patterns that would criticise me throughout this experience. One of which is, that ‘I can’t start until I know absolutely everything and feel confident that I can keep them alive’. This leads to severe procrastination, so I decided that I just need to know enough at each stage of this process so that I can make quick decisions.
The other belief that I need to work on as I go through this, is that there is no shame in not being good at something and having to fail in order to learn. Failure is not a definitive reflection of your capabilities and talents, it’s merely an indicator that something needs to change in your next attempt, in order for you to get a different outcome.
Another belief that I need to work on is that you can’t get good at something without putting in the hard work, which in this case involves research, reading and asking others for help. We need to feel brave enough to ask for help, instead of feeling ashamed of what this vulnerability may reveal about us to others!
So, last week I went to the store and started looking at their indoor plant variety. Phone at hand, I Googled the ones that stood out, to find out more about their qualities and maintenance. I needed to be realistic about what my capability at the moment is, so I needed a plant that would do most of the work for me, until I was confident enough to take care of something that was more demanding of my nurture.
I chose the Zanzibar plant – it looked both beautiful and easy to maintain. But, I didn’t make the purchase last week, thinking I will do more research and confirm if this is the plant for me. Which I did and it was, so then this weekend I went to the store to make the purchase and the plant I had seen was no longer there! I totally didn’t plan for this bit, so I started looking around and ended up finding two plants that looked beautiful to me which were not on my list at all. I researched them then and there, knowing that if I wanted these plants then it’s now or never; already putting my prior learning into practice – yay!
Then I needed to figure out what else I need to purchase, so I started looking at the pots and thought to myself that I should ask the person working there what would work best. It was in this interaction, that I felt so embarrassed, ashamed and well stupid. As I asked her questions to learn more, she responded in such a condescending tone, with little enthusiasm and as though she didn’t have time for a novice like me. I realised she won’t be of much help, thanked her and walked away with a flood of critical thoughts that were encouraging me to put the plants back and walk away, with the thought of “what was I doing here anyway?” rushing through my head.
But, then another thought came into my mind which is ‘this is exactly the type of thinking you are trying to rewire and these plants are going to help you’. So, I decided to be brave in that moment and to take on board the couple of points she did make and purchase the plants with just a tray for when I water them. Anything else I would need, I would buy later as I learned more, but for now this will have to do (challenging belief #1 that I want to fight).
I was hurt by the woman’s interaction with me because I expected her to be kind and helpful and she wasn’t. But I was the one who decided to take her poor customer service skills and translate them into an attack of my self-worth. My past self would have relied on the perception of others in determining her own self-worth and self-esteem. But I’m sick and tired of being so dependent on the perception of others, it’s never ending and not fulfilling. I’m working really hard to steer this ship around and so with that, I took the first step of purchasing my plants and using them as my teachers on this journey.
I’ve got a Polka Dot plant and a Monstera Deliciosa – which is also known as the Swiss Cheese plant or the Fruit Salad Plant. These two, will be two of my teachers, my gurus and my guides into the path of letting go of my critical thinking. Through caring for them, I will learn to care for myself. I have to also be prepared for killing them and or not succeeding with their growth and nourishment. But, that should that happen, then there is a big lesson in there too.
How often are we unkind towards ourselves? How often do we perceive ourselves as incapable, because of others misguided perception of us?
The circuit has to break somewhere. I want to learn and grow. So here I am, trying.
Love Always,
M
Souloom™ 