This morning I feel unsettled and I don’t even know why. I sense tension in my body and worries in my mind; which are both natural due to my current circumstance and also pointless because I have no control over the circumstance.
Trying to rewire your brain and learn new thinking patterns is very difficult and it’s a long journey that requires endurance of the soul and heart. It’s so much easier to give into your habitual thoughts, your unhealthy responses and to just react the way you have been wired thus far. But often, what we have come to know as ourselves, isn’t really us. It is the result of the exposure, experience and interaction of our lives. It has been influenced by our environment and we have had little deliberate choice around it.
Our parents, our siblings, friends, teachers and all that we consume through movies, books and media has had more of an influence on who we have become, what we believe and how we feel, then our own hearts and minds. When did we decide to become the person that we are today? Some of us may have been more aware than others and may have had more clarity around their self-design. I have come to realise that who I thought I was, I am not. I was moulded into a version of myself that was very passive in its own self-design. I have formed so many perceptions, realities and narratives that are based on what I had thought to be true and right; but never questioned their source and intent. As I expose myself to different ways of thinking, living and being, I realise that who I have become doesn’t resonate with me as much as who I would choose to be.
But of course, it’s not as simple as becoming aware of the version you want to become and then transforming into it. No, it requires very deliberate thought, work and effort to evolve yourself. Some days, I can’t be f*^ked, because I just want to chill. Other days, I know the discomfort will be worth it because I am becoming more and more authentic, joyful and at peace.
I wish I could tell you that there is some formula to it all, that it is straightforward and clear. But, for me personally there is a lot of reiteration and a lot of back and forth. Perhaps others go through this too, or perhaps it’s unique to my psychology and way of being in the world. Either way, it doesn’t matter, we each have our own journey and our focus needs to be on our journey alone.
Today, I feel unsettled, disappointed and frustrated about how all the effort I’ve put in isn’t shining through; but really today is a test day. It’s the day that I can decide to be cruel or to be compassionate with my thoughts. I can either judge myself and be critical about how I’m not doing good enough, or I can embrace my worried heart, nurture my distressed brain and whisper ‘you’ve got this’.
I guess each day we have the choice, the more we choose love and compassion, the easier it will be – eventually.
Love Always,
M
Souloom™ 