What do you want?

What do you want?

That is a question that I seem to struggle with a lot, I start answering it but every time I do, a sense of doubt creeps in because I can’t determine how much of what I want is from within and how much is from external motivations. I was watching a movie recently where the question was posed “how could you ask for what you want, if you don’t even know what it is?”.

That stuck with me as I examined my own life and realised that I’ve rarely been able to articulate what I want. How can I be more deliberate with my life, if I can’t even clearly define what it is I want? Perhaps that’s where the missing link is, maybe when I procrastinate on progressing with certain decisions I’m not procrastinating because I feel overwhelmed or scared, but because deep down I’m not connected to the direction I’m pursuing.

I’ve been told what to be and do by those around me, whether it be family, friends, teachers and or society. So it’s no surprise that I don’t have the skills I need to determine my own direction in life. I think most women have their paths defined for them by others and we don’t really realise that we don’t drive ourselves towards our authentic desires, wants and goals. We’re happy enough with the clear defined path ahead of us, so we don’t find the need to reset everything for ourselves. I’m sure that men also have this issue, but men have more paths laid out for them so they have more choice as well.

Since I don’t really know what I want, maybe I need to determine what I don’t want so that I can use deduction to arrive at the point of clarity. Ironically, in this very moment as I’m writing this blog Eve Karydas’s song Complicated comes up on Spotify. I like looking out for signs from the universe, it helps me feel aware.

So what now? Give into the disappointment of how I’ve wasted so much time living for others instead of myself? I am very much so tempted into punishing myself for past mistakes, but I don’t want to be that person anymore. I am going to practice self- forgiveness and accept the reality in front of me now and choose differently. I choose to explore my own wants and needs, so that I can confidently respond to the question ‘what do you want’.

I anticipate that the answer will change as I evolve, but I need a clear response to that question at any one point in my life. I have an inkling of what it may be, but I am scared to accept it because it involves everything that I have resisted for so long. Changing your mind is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign of growth; but in order to grow I need to let go of my stubborn ways!

Here is to finding out what I want. I hope you take the time to explore your authentic desires too and that you have a clear response to what you want; if so, don’t be afraid to ask for it.

Love Always,

M