What motivates you?
What are you devoted to?
Are you living a balanced and values aligned life?
What matters more, validation or self-acceptance?
Some of the questions that are going through my head at the moment as I find myself being unkind and unforgiving towards myself for a small conflict that occurred at work yesterday. It is so minute and small that it’s not even worth mentioning, yet the impact of it on me has been rather large and obsessive. I don’t like it when I do something that I knew ‘better’ about. When the “should” mentality kicks in, it can be unforgiving and brutal.
In this instance, it was me rushing through a presentation that I ‘should’ have been more deliberate about. I know how to influence people, I know that everyone is different and I know that you need to put yourself in others’s shoes in order to appreciate their perception of the world. Yet, I rushed through it completely forgetting that in order to have the greatest impact, I would need to reframe my message in a way that would land well with them and not someone like me.
The biggest factor I didn’t consider is the generational gap between myself and the individual, the style of working and how greatly it differs. I know that I didn’t do anything ‘fundamentally’ wrong, but I also know better.
So here I am punishing myself for not showing up with my strength and instead, leaving an impression that I was not intending. The frustration in me has translated into unforgiving and unkind self-worth views about my capabilities. These are old wounds that are fighting for fuel to stay alive. I will not entertain them, even if it means talking about them over and over again until they’re so exposed that they have no power.
I am not interested in seeking validation from others anymore, I am on the path of learning to build my own self-acceptance and to establish a strong sense of self worth. This is where patience is needed to help me navigate such experiences with a sense of ease instead of a sense of punishment.
How would I respond to a friend if this happened to them? I would say, don’t worry about it it’s done and dusted plus now you’ve learned about the boundaries the individual has for receiving feedback. You have also learned that you need to apply patience and not rush through things that get you excited. Not everyone will be on the same journey as you so you need to slow down and take them with you.
I’ve become so accustomed to pleasing people and ensuring they’re ‘happy’ with me, that I can’t even have a small conflict without going into a big rabbit hole of self-criticism!
Breathe.
I suppose there is one benefit to this experience, that is understanding how much there is that I need to love harder, so that it can heal better. I need to go focus on the forgiveness and kindness I need to extend to the little child in me who is hurting; the part of me that has been holding onto unresolved pain that keeps coming to the surface every time I face a ‘mistake’ that results in others being upset with me.
I need to go take care of her.
Be kind to yourselves, always.
M
Souloom™ 