The last week and half has been hard, I’ve had to get a really large and infected cyst removed from my back. Yes in the grand scheme of medical issues it’s not a huge deal, but it did involve a lot of pain and provoked a lot of emotions on a daily basis as the treatment is around 2 weeks. With all the medical challenges my family has been through my whole life, I’ve become a little sensitive towards health, nothing overly clinical, rather just aware of how fragile we really are and how precious every healthy moment is because it can be gone in a blink of an eye.
I had to go through the procedure alone as my partner is in the UK and every day I’ve had to go to the medical centre and put myself through pain and distress, alone. The toll is big because it just highlights how hard it is to be far from my partner. But at the same time, it has given me the opportunity to take care of myself despite how frightening, stressful and painful it can be. Throughout the process I’ve come to meet various nurses, one of which has given me such peace of mind as she’s been careful, thoughtful and kind throughout it all. The highlight of my days have become going into to find that she’s the one that will be taking care of me.
I can’t even get myself to think about all the ill people in the world, whether due to covid or something else. When you realise the suffering that is taking place it’s absolutely heart breaking. I don’t know how nurses and doctors do their jobs but I have so much admiration and respect for them.
But this post isn’t about health, nor about the frontline staff. It’s about the challenges we face, no matter how small or big, that can shake our boat and make us feel overwhelmed with various types of emotions. For me, it’s a sense of impatience, confusion, loss and worry because now that I’m unable to participate in the habits and routines I’d created for my mental well being, I am very quickly declining into a space of distress and despair. It’s upsetting because I had made such huge progress, but I recognise now how much I am reliant on my self-care routine. Not being able to exercise or do yoga has had a knock on effect with my sleep which then has impacted my motivation to do meditation and just because I’m a perfectionist, it’s hindered my writing as well. I’ve found myself seeking distraction with Tv shows of which I’ve binge watched a few in the past couple of weeks.
But I have to find the will to lift myself up and try and take baby steps as much as I can before the decline becomes harder and harder to undo. It probably doesn’t help that Christmas is around the corner and I know that I’m away from the only person I want to spend it with. On top of that, I constantly seem to disappoint my sister and upset my family when I don’t show up the way that they would expect or need me to.
It’s hard trying to please your family and it also feels cruel. I don’t know if it’s a feeling that you have as the youngest or if we all feel this way but don’t verbalise it. But it’s hard putting the needs of others first so that you don’t have to deal with the guilt, disappointment and withdrawal that comes from those you care most about. No one seems to meet anyone’s expectations, I don’t meet their’s and they don’t meet mine. When you stand outside and look in, it’s so simple. But once you’re in the tangled knots of a complex dynamic, pulling out and not destroying the whole thing is rather impossible.
We all have challenges with our families to various degrees, we all have our own way of being in the world and what gives us the most amount of joy and peace. Letting go of expectations is a hard act but one that is necessary in order to enjoy your life. I’m feeling the pressure of the disappointment that I will most likely cause and how upset my sister will be.
Everyday we are going through ups and downs of choices and the impact they have on those around us. I hope that every day the only person that we don’t let down is ourselves. The only person that is with you 24/7, 365 days a year from the moment you’re born to the moment you die. Let’s stop disappointing her / him and start recognising that true joy and peace is achieved when you are free from living the expectations of others and instead spread your own wings to pursue your own path.
Be brave to love yourself wholeheartedly.
Love Always,
M
Souloom™ 