I’m angry, a lot of anger that I didn’t know I have bottled up inside. But anger is always a secondary emotion that masks the underlying feeling that is truly bothering us. There are a few things that are driving my anger but the one thing that comes to the surface is the suppression of my own views and feelings for the sake of others around me. I have been so afraid of being judged, rejected, isolated that I would rather abandon myself and who I am, in order to keep everyone else happy. When they inevitably do judge me, instead of recognising that I need to make U-turn in order to protect myself, I give others the benefit of doubt, the lee way with how they treat me, being understanding of their circumstance because I can see the drivers and motivations behind it and understand their psychology.
But being empathetic towards others doesn’t have to mean that you turn your back on yourself and on what matters to you. Hiding yourself in order to fit in and or to make sense to others, is going against your authentic calling and that only results in unhappiness. We are not obliged to please our families, our colleagues, friends and partners. We are not obliged to please anyone, because the point is not about pleasing. Respecting others, being kind and compassionate towards them and creating a safe harbour for them is not the same as forgoing your own wants, needs and values. For so long I haven’t even realised that every time I try to avoid the disappointment that others may feel or the judgement that they may cast, I’ve chipped away at my own heart and joy.
I sense that we all do it to some degree, but when you have been brought up in a culture where the good of the collective outweighs your own, you learn that you don’t have a place in this world unless others are happy with you and the collective is doing well. You start to associate values such as self-care with selfishness, but these two are not the same because the intention that underlies them is very different.
I’m angry because I’m starting to lose patience around when others will start to extend the same care, attention and thought into the relationships that I’ve maintained. Particularly around the effort I thought I was making with the opportunities that I’ve given my family to understand that I’m not the same as them and that I’m my own person. Accepting the dynamic of our relationships is the only way that I can set myself free from the expectations that they place on me, ones that I know I will never meet and ones which they’re probably not even aware of.
My sister and I have vastly different priorities in our lives, we have similar set of values at our core, but the broader values that we lead our lives with are completely different. There is always missed opportunities between us because there is always unrealistic expectations around what one should do, say or be. Deep down there is a love that is unconditional, timeless and that will ultimately conquer all. But on the day to day, our relationship causes more distress and disappointment than joy, but that’s because I can’t seem to accept that I can’t be who she wants me to be. That I will not define myself based on her perception of me and that I can be confident in who I am, what I believe and how I lead my life even if I don’t get the credit and or acknowledgement I’d like from her or others.
I think the problem is that you start realising that the idols you created in your head as child about your family are not realistic, because at the end of the day they too are humans with flaws. Holding onto the idols that you’ve created and worshipping them is going to cause you harm because you won’t see them for their strengths, only for their weaknesses when they don’t show up the way you need. It’s a cycle and everyone goes through it, I’m also flawed and leave the same impression on those around me. Being able to recognise that no one is neither guilty or guilt free will help you understand the complexity that comes with relationships.
Love is not conditional, you have to recognise that the pain you feel from the heartbreaks and the distance, doesn’t define the quality of a person and or the beauty they have in them, it just means that you keep missing each other and unless something fundamentally changes, you will forever miss the opportunity to align with each other’s light.
There is grief in this, because it’s a two way street and requires effort and awareness from both sides. Some things are the way that they are and that’s ok. You can either get crushed by the weight they have or you can build up the muscles you need to lift them with confidence and clarity.
Beyond the veil of anger are narratives, beliefs and perspectives that I’ve learned throughout my life that are no longer serving me, therefore, causing me grief, disappointment, resentment and isolation. We have a choice, a choice to design our own narratives and I have made this choice a few years back so every time I become aware of a new narrative that is bogging me down, I know I have to pull my sleeves up and do the hard work in rewriting them.
We can either project our insecurities onto others behaviours and go round and round in circles with the pain that this causes, or we can take a step back and recognise that our insecurities need love which we may need to supply from within our own hearts. It is not others job to help us heal, they can be a safe harbour for us to rest in, but at the end of the day we have all the love and light we need to heal ourselves.
I’m glad that I got to see the anger because it drew attention to how important it is to never turn your back on yourself. Over the past couple of weeks I’ve prioritised others expectations over my own and as a result, I’ve felt lost and hollow. But I can see that I need to build a stronger bridge for myself, so whenever I can’t cross over to meet others on their side, I don’t fall to the depths of the valley below me. Instead, I can continue walking on the bridge until I find the safe harbour to rest in and then find the will to keep on going.
Love Always,
M
Souloom™ 