My brain has been running a million miles an hour for the past week or so. I don’t know why, but there are plenty more tabs open than usual. There is a subtle sense of angst but I’m not sure what it’s directed towards. I’ve noticed it because I can’t seem to close down my tabs and shut down for sleep like I normally would. Then I worry about not being able to sleep and that just adds to the cycle of worries.
As I’m trying to process this, I realise that maybe this sense of angst is not actually anxiety, maybe I’m confusing excitement and enthusiasm with anxiety, because I’ve been in a threat state for a while and so I have assumed that if there is excess energy in me, if my mind is running ahead that it has to be because of anxiety. But it could just be that I’m not recognising and labelling the feelings correctly and therefore creating a sense of stress out of thin air for myself. Thanks Ego!
Usually one would be able to differentiate between the feelings, but when you’ve been in a state of trauma, threat and worry for a sustained period of time, your brain plays a lot of tricks on you. It’s forgotten that it has other options and can behave differently and so it opts for the habits it’s formed. But I think that there is a sense of excitement and enthusiasm inside of me which is being sparked from the journey of seeking clarity.
Yes I’m afraid of what will reveal itself in this path, but I’m also excited to have some form of traction, even if it’s not all going to be ideal and or what I would like it to be. Life is full of chapters, it’s full of narratives and stories we tell ourselves. For a long time, the chapter I was reading over and over again was the one where everything dreadful happens, where there is obstacle after obstacle. There is a sense of fascination with this type of chapter, because in it you recognise who the S/Hero is, you understand their strengths, values and character. But you also get bogged down by how hard everything is and you only define them as the S/hero. But every S/hero is a human underneath, with normal human day to day lives to fulfil – it’s important that we recognise their mortal aspects, because we can all be a S/hero at different parts of our lives. They’re not braver, stronger or anything more than your average Jo/Jane Do, they’re just us in the face of our fears, pain and fights.
I would like to read the next chapter of my life, but to do that I need to be deliberate about turning the page. Some days this act will be easier than others, other days, it will be the most difficult thing I will have to do because it will mean letting go of so much, being courageous and trusting that god and the universe will love me back. Realising your own worth, understanding that you deserve good things is something that you need to whole heartedly believe. It’s the one belief that you need to protect from doubt, from fear and from guilt. I’m not there yet, though I consciously try to convince myself that I deserve good and happiness and recognise that to be true, I have far too many underlying subconscious wiring that has created narratives that bring me down in moments where I need to lift myself up.
It’s ok, I am going to persevere on this journey and find out how I can let go of that which no longer serves me, so that I can accept that which will help me grow.
You too can let go of all that no longer serves you, it’s not going to be an overnight journey but it will be one that will make you proud and help you arrive at joy.
Love Always,
M
Souloom™ 