These days I find myself rather rattled. It creeps in on me when I find myself battling with the intentions I have vs the behaviours that I display. It’s a constant battle which frustrates me as I can’t seem to put into action all that I’m trying to do. Then this of course results in self-criticism because I put myself down for not being a certain way in the world, not necessarily from the perspective of others but more so from aligning my internal way of being with my external behaviours. My mind is distracted, there is a lot of subtle pressure that also creeps in, the desire to want to do things correctly prevents me from taking action and therefore, I avoid it all together.
Procrastination becomes this vicious cycle that is harder and harder to break. I don’t recall being like this when I was younger so I am struggling to understand what has resulted in this new found way of being in the world. Is it the anxiety and trauma that is still healing? Am I just going through the transitions that come with ageing? Is it my hormones and or lifestyle? Or maybe it’s just deeply rooted beliefs that are heavily impacting me?
Who knows what the cause is, all I know is the frustration that I feel and the emotional cycle I go through from “yay I can’t wait to get X done” to “I can’t do X, I don’t feel up to it and don’t have the energy to focus on it”. As I sit here writing this, I realise that I need to still my mind and pay attention to what it is that will help me calm down. Maybe all of this is anxiety is manifesting itself because I’m attaching my self-worth to my capabilities. But our capabilities don’t define us, they are just a part of us.
Times like this, clarity becomes harder and harder to attain and perhaps that’s what is creating the anxiety because I feel deeply uncertain.
Breath.
Inhale.
Exhale.
When you find yourself rattled, you can give into it and find yourself diving into the depths of discomfort and a cycle of self criticism, or you can take one step towards stilling your mind, then another step towards centring yourself and a final step towards being kind to yourself. For me, this involves meditation, practicing yoga and then staying in a space of gratitude where I can be kind to myself.
Be present enough with yourself to recognise that when you feel like you are losing your grip, you can still find ways to prevent yourself from falling. Find out what gives you that grounding and peace of mind so that you can tap into it for SOS situations. Most importantly, be kind to yourself, the moment you’re not is the moment you make things much harder for yourself.
Love Always,
M
Souloom™ 