As we continue to live through this pandemic, so many of us are still working through the impact it has had on our lives and how we navigate our way forward. In my instance, it’s put a big stop pause on the future with my partner and also where I settle down long-term. The lack of uncertainty brings with it so much anxiety and wasted narratives that serve no purpose other than to pre-occupy my mind. But this is the reality of the world right now, any false sense of certainty we had before the pandemic has been stripped and now we need to learn to accept and adjust to the reality that there is less in our control than we would have initially liked to believe.
As I think through the ups and downs of a long distance relationship and the complex challenges that are there in our relationship regardless of where we are in the world, I start to panic about whether or not I can go down a path where I know I will be faced with so much challenge, stress and loss of control. Here it is again, me trying to seek some level of ‘certainty’ about the future. But I don’t have the crystal ball that my mind keeps referencing and so, any future I envision with this level of certainty can’t be trusted!
This is a constant back and forth battle that I go through in my mind, between what I want, don’t want, who I am and who I want to be. How I define relationships, love and what I envision for my life and the life I want to create with my partner. This back and forth and indecision is causing me a lot more challenge then just accepting the circumstance and owning the decision of moving forward. I’m asking all the wrong questions when I have my mini panic moments. It’s not about whether or not I want to be with him, it’s about how can I go about supporting him and us through the obstacles we face. I’ve found the person I want to share my life with, so, then it becomes about learning to commit to this relationship and focus on what I need to learn, unlearn and do to make it flourish.
Commitment makes me feel really uneasy – I’ve always had a fear of commitment mainly because I equate commitment to losing independence and freedom of choice. But this morning, as I was thinking about commitment, I realised that it’s not actually about what you give and or what you lose, it’s about how you want to show up in a relationship that you are devoting your love, time and energy towards. I started wondering what does it really mean to be committed and I realised that it means that you won’t quit on the person and or the relationship, just because it’s hard and or because it makes you feel fearful. To clarify, I don’t mean the type of fear one faces in a toxic relationship, that type of fear is legitimate and one that is trying to protect you. The type of fear I’m referring to is the fear of the unknown, the fear of change, the fear of challenge and the fear of obstacles that I find exhausting. The fear of having to let go of what I wanted, in order to make room for what is in front of me. That type of fear is what makes me want to ‘abort’ mission so easily, because I don’t like sharing that control in my life. I don’t like being a passenger in the ride of my life, I like to be the driver; in full control and with all the power. That way, I know we will get to our destination in a timely fashion and within the circumstance that would make me feel most comfortable.
High control much? Yes! As I start thinking about commitment from a lens of not quitting, I realise that I’m already a lot more committed than I give myself credit for. I’m not a quitter, I’ve never been a quitter and find it really hard to let go and or stop, even when it’s in my own best interest. It dawned on me in that moment that I’m more committed than I realised and that my fear of this word was based on what was associated with it socially and how I’ve come to perceive it in the context of a long-term relationship.
When you find the right person in life, you can learn to share the drivers seat. You can’t both drive at the same time, but you know that if you find yourself in a situation where you’re tired and or just want a change, you can hand the wheel over to your partner and trust that they will take you to the destination in a safe manner. Sure, it may not be the same route, the same speed or sometimes even in the same car, but they will be there driving you as you learn to rest and focus on the view around you.
Ah, what a ride I’ve been missing!
Love Always,
M
Souloom™ 