Determined…

I’ve written about the challenges and difficulties that come with being in a long distance relationship during a world wide pandemic. At the moment this is one of the biggest battles in my mind, because my old tendencies and belief systems are determined to sabotage me and this relationship. But, at a conscious level I am determined to grapple with the discomfort and the learnings that are required in order to rewire my brain, change my perceptions and ultimately renew my priorities attached to my life and my relationship. There is so much unlearning that comes with this process because there is so much that I’ve learned about love and relationships that is both unhealthy and out dated.

The struggle is real for anyone in this situation, in this day and age it can be really hard to manage the discomfort long-term because so many of us have become used to moving on when things get hard. That is the result of living in a society that is developing faster than we’re evolving. In this progress we are also forgetting some key fundamental values that bring us long-term fulfilment not just short-term gratification. Certain values such as determination, commitment, perseverance, faith, hope, courage, trust, loyalty etc.

One of my colleagues was in a similar situation to me, her husband was stranded overseas because of the pandemic and they didn’t know when or where they would re-unite. Naturally it was really hard for her, because on top of the separation they too had visa problems that would impact their long-term future in Australia. They were separated for about 12 months and during this time she was told by friends that she should just leave him and move on because she needs to take care of herself. I really struggled to comprehend such a world-view! She told me she got furious and told them that people are not disposable, which is such an obvious yet forgotten way of being in the world. She’s absolutely right, people are not disposable, yet the nature of the dating world at present with the dating apps, social media and the loss of certain traditions is making it much more tempting and easier for us to flee when things get too hard.

We don’t even realise it, I know I’ve picked up on so much cultural and social beliefs that when I really sit down and examine them, I realise that I don’t actually agree with most of them and I certainly don’t want to live my life with those types of beliefs. This is why for me in my journey, there is a lot of rewiring around what commitment is, what relationships are meant to feel like and what their purpose is. I am slowly starting to break down the roles that each individual needs to play and really challenge my beliefs around what defines a successful relationship. But even that sentence is a bit narrow, because it implies that relationships need to be successful. Maybe they’re not meant to be successful, instead they’re meant to be fulfilling, inspiring or igniting? I suppose at the end of the day the adjective applied to it doesn’t have to be universal, it just has to be relevant to us and our journey.

The below is a poem that I wrote when I was struggling with a lot of thoughts and feelings that were determined to pull me away from the hard work. But like I said, I’m determined to rewire my brain and rethink my perspective. Stay determined.

Determined:

I find it peaceful here in your arms,

I know the silence won’t cause any harm,

I can’t find the way forward,

I can’t find the way back,

I don’t know what happened,

How the time passed,

Was our love story ever meant to last?

Or is it just a part of our past?

I can feel the fears inside of me,

They’re no longer chained, they’re wild and free,

I take a breath, I take a pause,

I find the light I have in my heart,

I rally up all my hope and faith,

I refuse to give into the pain,

I will find the fears, one by one,

Confronted by my tears, but I won’t run,

I will hold them down then set them free,

This time they won’t be roaming inside of me,

I’m cleansing my heart,

I’m clearing my mind,

I’m putting our dreams back on the line,

I may be wounded and I may be hurt,

But I won’t lie down in the dirt.

Love Always,

M